This past weekend, SHOWTIME (caps necessary) reran an “Elite XC” MMA broadcast which originally aired in February.  We don’t fancy ourselves as huge MMA fans, but we’ll watch whenever we stumble onto it. 

We found this particular MMA battle to be quite entertaining, but not because the fight was good (Frank Shamrock kicked the crap out of someone).  We enjoyed our MMA viewing because of the unlikely trio of play-by-play man Mauro Ranallo and analysts Jay Glazer and Bill Goldberg. 

Ranallo filled the broadcast with cheesy line after cheesy line, and he earned his just due in the Bob Carpenter Memorial Snappy Line section at the bottom of this column.  His cohorts didn’t exactly offer up snappy lines, nor did they offer up anything relevant at all.  It was really confusing to watch knowing that Fox’s go-to-guy for football information was describing the action.  And Bill Goldberg?  He was, at one time, the hottest thing in professional wrestling, which gives the MMA [sarcasm] ample loads of credibility [/sarcasm]. 

While trying to comprehend what was being said between Ranallo, Goldberg and Glazer, we were halted when both were shown on camera.  Just like a good tag team from the old days of the WWF, Goldberg and Glazer vow to seek and destroy.  What would happen if  the Bushwhackers saw them together in a dark alley?

 

They'd get their asses kicked for sure - and then Goldberg would beat up his partner for talking on his cell phone about the Redskins' compensatory draft pick.

At some point, MMA officials realized NFL insiders and ex-professional wrestlers with huge domes make great MMA color analysts, so we’re not going to be surprised the least bit if John Clayton and the Iron Shiek call UFC 85.

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth
"Maybe I’m the only one who believes this, but wasn’t Cliff Floyd another miss? He just signed a 1-year deal for $3 million, plus another $2 million in incentives, to play for Tampa Bay. He is a righthanded power hitter, something the Cards lack in the outfield. His injury history is significant and the Cards obviously couldn’t offer him DH work, but still." - Jeff Gordon, STL Today

Cliff Floyd is left handed.
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“Daniel, who led Missouri to a 9-2 season and finished fourth in the Heisman Trophy voting, has filed paperwork with an NFL committee that evaluates where college underclassmen might be selected should they leave early for the draft, the Dallas Morning News reported Monday.” – ESPN.com News Services

Mizzou finished 11-2.
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"You can mark down Sunday December 16th, 2007, that Fox Sports morphed into Access Hollywood." - Joe Buck

Joe, come on; we all know Fox Sports and ESPN morphed into Access Hollywood some time in the late '90s. 
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"If Kurt Warner holds on to that football and not turn that ball over, the Arizona Cardinals could continue to keep flowing."- Keyshawn Johnson

Other than that no-shit analysis, there really isn’t anything wrong with that statement.  We just wanted an excuse to post a picture of Keyshawn’s scarf.


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"I still say the Steelers are overrated as a team.  They're inconsistent at stopping the run.  They're inconsistent at running the ball." -Emmitt Smith

To say the Steelers are overrated is fine, but to base that assumption on inconsistency at stopping the run is stupid.  Coming into Week 15 (when Smith said it), the Steelers had given up 944 rushing yards, good for second in the league behind the Vikings.  Even after getting gashed by Jacksonville Sunday afternoon, Pittsburgh ranks 3rd overall against the run.
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"One thing that all quarterbacks will tell you, it's kind of like golf.  You know, where you don't want to overthrow it, you know, because you're throwing with wind but you want a tight spiral but you want a normal rotation, you want a normal throwing motion.  Like I said, it's like golf: you're hitting into the wind, you tend to over-swing and so quarterbacks have to tend not to overthrow when they're playing in windy weather." - John Madden on passing in windy conditions

If all quarterbacks told us that, Madden would be a million dollar entrepreneur.  Wait...
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“Congratulations to Jon Gruden, who gets wet; his Buccaneers clinch the NFC South title.”- Linda Cohn
“(Nick Barnett) likes the back door.” - Darryl Johnston

You know what?  Screw it.  We want to post another picture of Keyshawn Johnson's scarf.


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“You can take the safe route, one that is non-combative and not aggressive.  But in today's environment, I'm not sure we have the luxury to do that. And the Fox (network) brand allows us a little more latitude. There's a certain sense of edginess and aggressiveness.” Fox 2 St. Louis General Manager Kingsley Smith

Translation: “We have Foxbots, da**it!”
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"Did I do it to hit more home runs or get an edge? No. I did it to get back on the field.” – Fernando Vina, on HGH drug use

That makes it okay then, Fernando.
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“He’s everybody’s cousin.  We all love (Brett Favre).”– Chris Berman

FAVRE!

How the AP uses the title and opening sentence in their stories
How the AP used the title and opening sentence in its story



Surgeon Tells Vitale his Throat Lesions are P-T-P’ers
Like everyone else in this crazy society of sports fans, we long for the day when Dick Vitale shuts his yapper.  We don’t, however, hope it comes at the expense of the recent news that Dickey V has lesions on his throat.  He’s expected to make a full recovery and be back court-side some time in February. 

“During the past month and a half, I have had a very difficult time with discomfort in my throat. Personally, I want to apologize to all of the fans and all of the beautiful people at ESPN who have been fantastic to me during my 29 years working at the network… I am so proud to have started at ESPN back in 1979.  Now more than ever, I have seen how special the people at ESPN are…  Once again, happy holidays to each and every one of you. Thanks so much for your tremendous support during my tenure with ESPN. This is already a dynamite hoop season and I cannot wait for March Madness.”

When he said beautiful people, do you think he was talking about Bill Parcells or the Schwab?  At any rate, we hope Dick Vitale has a speedy recovery.  College basketball wouldn’t be the same if he wasn’t around (read: it wouldn’t have a balding, loud caricature of an announcer).   

St. Louis Post-Dispatch Demoted to County Circulation
As much as we try to appease the masses all across the country by focusing on universal topics, we can’t let our amazement at our hometown newspaper slide any longer.  First it was the Post referring to Missouri Tigers quarterback Chase Daniel as Chase McDaniel and then #2 West Virginia morphed into Virginia. 

Following the basketball Tigers’ victory over North Carolina A&T Monday night, the sports department was under the impression that Mike Anderson’s club had just toppled Tyler Hansbrough. 

If there was ever a minor league system for newspapers across America, we’re pretty sure the Post-Dispatch would be a recurring member.  (hat tip to SportsbyBrooks) 

Bob Carpenter Memorial Snappy Line
Since he’ll be home for the holidays next week, the Bobber was looking to end 2007 with a double dose of snappiness in today’s Circus.  Fortunately for him, Mauro Ranallo and Joe Buck came through and knocked a couple out of the park.  If you fancy yourself a connoisseur of snappy lines and aren’t familiar with Ranallo, you’re truly missing out.  He calls the action of various MMA competitions as if he’s reciting poetry.  When that happens, you get lines similar to this:

"It makes sense that the guy nicknamed the Ghost is getting some boos."

The Bobber really enjoyed that one.  It was carefully crafted, safe for work and good for the kids, but he needs more.  Thankfully, Joe Buck wasn’t about to leave Bobby hanging… not when Jessica Simpson was a star in the Cowboys/Eagles contest:

"That is Jessica (Simpson’s) music singing "Boy", and boy, this has been a struggle for the Dallas offense."

Even if he doesn’t get Eric Clapton’s autobiography for Christmas (#1 on the Carpenter wish list), the Bobber can end 2007 on a high note, knowing that he done well.  Two thumps up and a glass of eggnog for the team of Buck and Ranallo from Robert C --- the nonalcoholic variety, of course.

The Media Circus is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.  They’re betting the Bobber will be wearing an old Christmas cardigan over the holidays.  Email them at info@joesportsfan.com

Note:Next week, we’ll have the 2007 Media Circus Craptacular, celebrating the crappiest in sports media of the past 51 weeks.  Temper your excitement, Mustachioids.