Earlier on in the week, we took a look at each NFC team and their outlook for 2006 in terms that we thought everyone could relate.  We compared them all to good, old-
fashioned American Beers.  

Since there are only so many jokes that you can produce about beer (and considering we already did an obligatory Zima joke), we’ve moved onto to more traditional analysis of the AFC.  Not only a more traditional form of analysis, but one that goes hand in hand with not only football, but beer, referees, and Carson Palmer’s knee. 

We’re talking, of course, about comparing AFC teams to Muppets -- which includes all your favorite Muppets, Muppet Babies, and Sesame Street characters (they’re all a part of the Muppet family, okay.  Don’t ask questions.)

AFC East
1.) New England Patriots – Kermit the Frog
Not only was Kermit successful, but he was consistent.  Sure other Muppets may have been louder or funnier, but Kermit remained steady throughout.  He was the glue to the Muppets squad.  And that’s where the Patriots come in.  Whether they win ugly, get lucky, or fail to give marquis players their just compensation, they remain at the top of the AFC.  And both Kermit and the Pats have gone mainstream; with multiple appearances on television and radio.  What we’re trying to say is, the Pats will take the AFC East again.

2.) Miami Dolphins – Rowlf the Dog
Rowlf was a likeable mutt who was multi-talented.  He never quite eclipsed the status of Kermit the Frog, but had he been given a supporting cast to back his piano playing habit, there’s no telling what he could have accomplished.  (And according to various news outlets, Rowlf has been the recipient of numerous lap dances from Nanny, so he’s not that much different from Daunte Culpepper.)  Try as they might, the Dolphins will attempt to take the AFC East this year, but don’t look for it to happen just yet.  They certainly have the looks of a complete team, but it may take another year for Culpepper and friends to make a serious Super Bowl push. 

3.) New York Jets – Fozzie Bear
Fozzie Bear remained a popular Muppet even though he was never a main character and had no attributes of a star.  He had the knack for telling horribly lame jokes that resulted in boos and tomatoes being heaved at his head.  Likewise, the Jets are a popular team (at least on ESPN), even though they’ve never been a consistent threat to go to the Super Bowl.  And much like Fozzie Bear, the Jets front office told a joke that made nobody laugh this off-season, when it hired Eric Mangini as head coach.  You know, Eric Mangini, the guy who coordinated the 26th best defense in the league, after just one year of experience -- that’s just not funny.

It wouldn’t be a shock if Jets fans were pelting Mangini with tomatoes by week 4.    

4.) Buffalo Bills – Animal
Animal’s niche was taking whatever was in front of him and devouring it, sort of like a Muppet version of Tony Siragusa, if you will.  His knack for eating whatever he could get his paws on and barely mumbling the English language left him in the background of the Muppet limelight.  And how does that relate to the Bills, asks you?  Basically, assume the Bills are Animal and the pool of leftover, scrubby quarterbacks is a table full of food.  They’ll take whatever they can get – all while barely being able to run the ball leaving them in the back of the AFC pack.  Right now, JP Losman and Kelly Holcomb are battling it out for the rights to be called starter.  Whoever should be so lucky will earn the right to throw incomplete passes in the direction of Peerless Price and Lee Evans.  

AFC North
1.) Cincinnati Bengals – Count von Count
If there was one Muppet who was a shoe-in to be a criminal, it would most likely be the Count.  As Dave Chappelle once noted, the Count seemed more like a pimp than a number-obsessed Dracula.  But whether the Count played by the rules is irrelevant; the man became one of the most entertaining characters in Muppet land.  And whether for good or bad reasons, the Bengals have become one of the most entertaining teams to follow.  They’ve turned their piss poor reputation to that of a serious contender thanks to a ton of offensive talent, a turnover-hungry defense (savvy!), and Chad Johnson guaranteeing he’ll take a dump in the locker room every Sunday.  

And Marvin Lewis may need to “Count” all the criminals on his team.  (OHHH, SNAPPY LINE!  Here, here for the snappy line.) 

2.) Pittsburgh Steelers – Big Bird
Regardless of plot or storyline, Big Bird was always centered in the heart of the action.  Whether by name or appearance, nobody will ever have trouble remembering big yellow hermaphrodite.  Historically (and recently), the Steelers have made sure they won’t be forgotten.  Look for that trend to continue this season, but don’t expect a playoff birth.  Big Ben (almost like Big Bird!) has Cedrick Wilson as his number two receiver and, the Steelers have the toughest schedule in football.  If they finish above 9-7, it’ll be impressive.

For the record, the previous use of the nickname “Big Ben” will be the last time you see it in this column, and Bill Cowher has a chin that makes him look like Sgt. Slaughter – sans the Iraqi sympathy.

3.) Cleveland Browns – Snuffleupagus
The Browns and Steelers have a history together.  The Steelers have attained all the glory, while the Browns have cemented their legacy as arguably the best loser of all time (or worst, depending on how you look at it).  Similarly, Snuffleupagus has always been pathetic loser.  The poor bastard never came close to surpassing Big Bird.  God, what a complete loser he is.

Not to mention, Romeo Crennel looks a lot like Snuffleupagus.

4.) Baltimore Ravens – Grover
I never understood why Grover got as much airtime as he did.  There was never anything about him that warranted it.  Just because he never used contractions while speaking, we were supposed to be impressed with his “genius”.  If you ask us, his “distinctive” manner of speaking kind of made him sound like a blue, furry Hannibal Lector instead of an adorable monster.  

Regardless, in the NFL the Baltimore Ravens seem to be most like Grover.  Not because Brian Billick thinks he’s a genius, but because every year, the media toys with the notion that the Ravens will be a Super Bowl Contender – even when it’s not warranted.  Two years ago, it was the addition of Jim Fassel as an offensive consultant.  Last year, it was the promotion of Fassel to offensive coordinator coinciding with Kyle Boller’s “breakout year” (seriously, we’re not making that up).  This season, it’s Steve McNair as starting quarterback. 

Grover an adorable furry little genius monster?  The Ravens a Super Bowl contender?  We’re not buying either. 

AFC South
1.) Indianapolis Colts – Miss Piggy
In her quest to become a star, Miss Piggy ultimately failed.  She never became the movie star she wanted to be – it eluded her every year.  She also played second fiddle to Kermit the Frog, chasing after him, while giving nothing more than a slap here or there.  The Colts are the Miss Piggy to the Patriots’ Kermit.  They’ve been chasing the Pats for AFC supremacy for five years, and ultimately, have failed (granted they both failed last year, but still).  Peyton Manning has had numerous chances to “win the big one” and he’s failed.  What it means is that we don’t see the Colts doing much damage in the playoffs. 

Well, that and Peyton Manning has a Miss Piggy like nose.

2.) Jacksonville Jaguars – Cookie Monster
For whatever reason, we just have these images of the Cookie Monster kicking ass on the defensive side of the ball.  Despite his inability to communicate with people in a clear manner, Cookie Monster is one of the most popular Muppets of all time – he made “C is For Cookie” a household song.  And despite their inability to throw and run consistently, the Jaguars have made themselves an AFC threat for the second year in a row.  There’s no reason to believe the Jacksonville defense will fall off from last season, so we’re expecting another playoff birth – or close to it, even without Greg Jones.

One thing’s for certain: if the 2006 season produces a “J is for Jaguar” song, you’ll know Jacksonville exceeded expectations (and that Chris Berman will be having an orgasm).

3.) Houston Texans – Elmo
This one is simple: the Texans drafting of Mario Williams made everyone in the world laugh.  In similar fashion, Tickle Me Elmo laughed his hiney off; and little kids everywhere laughed along with him, while Mommy and Daddy contemplated dismembering the pinkish red creature and drowning him/her/it in a boiling vat of Crisco.  

You can pre-place your orders for Tickle-Me-Charley-Casserlie at NFL Shop and amazon.com.

4.) Tennessee Titans – Guy Smiley
Guy Smiley would have looked way cooler with Jeff Fisher’s mustache.   He also would have been a much better quarterback than Billy Volek or Kerry Collins.

Next…

AFC West
1.) Denver Broncos – Bert
One half of the most famous Muppet duo, Bert was far superior to his counterpart.  He was more intelligent, better spoken, and even when the most knowledgeable fans thought Ernie would break past Bert, it never happened.  The Broncos and Chiefs are bitter rivals.  The Broncos have always been the superior, going to five Super Bowls the past 20 years, and winning two of them.  The Chiefs – zero.   Look for the Broncos to make another playoff push, in spite of Jake Plummer.

2.) Kansas City Chiefs - Ernie
Larry Johnson finally gets to begin a full season as the undisputed starter.  Some say it’ll be enough to get the Chiefs past the Broncos in the AFC West, but I beg to differ.  Until Kansas City proves otherwise, their defense will once again be sub-par.  The game last year against the Giants was one of the worst displays of tackling since the last time the Chiefs tackled poorly (the week prior, I presume).  At least Ernie looks like he has some Indian in him – he’s certainly more of a chief than Bert is a Bronco.  And until the Broncos and Chiefs share team apartments together, we can wager that both team sexual orientations are that of a heterosexual. 

Bert and Ernie on the other hand…. well, that’s still up for debate, and has been for years.

3.) San Diego Chargers – Gonzo
Nobody ever figured out exactly who or what Gonzo was.  Was he an alien, a monster, or a robot?  And what of Ladainian Tomlinson?  He’s a football player, he wants to play football.  But is he human?  Was that last question asked by John Madden, or Mark Schlereth?  Don’t you think gonzo is an apt definition for Marty Schottenheimer’s postseason play calling?  Thoughts?  Anyone? 

Basically what we’re saying is, we got nothing here.
 
4.) Oakland Raiders – Oscar the Grouch
Oscar the Grouch is one of the more recognizable Muppets, even though he never contributed anything other than a negative attitude.  In NFL terms, Al Davis could certainly draw comparisons to a grouch; but more prudent to this discussion, the team he owns is one of the more recognizable in NFL history, despite the fact they contribute nothing but penalties (or something).  Even though the Raiders haven’t won a Super Bowl in 22 years, they remain synonymous with the sport.  And since losing to the Bucs at Super Bowl XXXVII, the Raiders have been absolute garbage.  Expect another year living in a trash can, which is presumably where they found Jeff George.

JSF Weekly is NORMALLY written by Josh Bacott.  This week, pat imig wrote the column and he has a message for you: if you didn't like these columns, blame Josh.  E-mail him at jsf@joesportsfan.com