For whatever reason, football analysts more than any other subset of media folk love to state the obvious. Whether the obvious statement is due to the analyst's perceived lack of intelligence of the viewing audience or due to said announcer's actual intelligence level remains to be seen. Week 3 provided us with two examples of an obvious description, courtesy of Fox's Matt Vasgersian and NBC's John Madden (obvious JSF statement: you're not surprised Madden was responsible.)

For Vasgersian, his play-by-play of Julian Peterson's sack, forced fumble and fumble recovery led to his announcement that Peterson just completed the trifecta. That in and of itself was fine; but then Vasgersian felt compelled to explain what he meant by the trifecta. The TV replay surely couldn't explain it through moving pictures, and we had never watched a football game prior to Sunday, so his description of Peterson's trifecta followed a smooth, step-by-step explanation.

A few hours later at Lambeau Field, John Madden analyzed Adam Jones' forced fumble and fumble recovery off Ryan Grant as a "two-for", 'Ya know, because he forced the fumble and he recovered the fumble.'

Last and never least, Chris Berman narrated highlights of the Vikings' Antoine Winfield sacking Jake Delhomme, forcing and recovering a fumble, and running it in for a touchdown. It was football's version of the 3-point play.

And there we were, watching from the couch engulfed with knowledge. Feeling stronger with our every breath that we too could put this complex lesson into practice. With nothing left to do, we picked up the remote, turned off the television and walked out of the room.

We mastered the Berman trifecta.

John Madden to write and direct screenplay for porno starring Jason Witten

Ask your fellow football fan what player John Madden man-loves the most and odds are you'll get the standard F***e answer. After watching Sunday night's game from Lambeau Field, we - and John Madden - have something to say about that. That being the Cowboys tight end.

Yes, after sitting through one quarter of the second half, we came to the unanimous conclusion that if given the chance, Madden would direct, distribute and write an adult video featuring Jason Witten.

The evidence:

"You know he's special."

The type of special player and special person that kindles that special kind of romance.

"That's when I knew he was my guy."

A big, athletic football player running without a helmet on can sweep anyone off their feet, John.

"He does everything that a tight end has ever done."

He shakes his end and has that cute little twinkle in his eye while twisting, doesn't he?

"If I had to choose, I'd take Jason Witten and say 'you come with me and we'll go play. You name the game."

Any game? Any game at all.

"This guy does it all from every position."

Interesting.

Warning: St. Louis Homer Rant Forthcoming (skip down about 800 words if you choose to avoid)

It seems like every year, we are forced to set aside a little chunk of the Media Circus around this time to mock a ridiculous argument for someone other than Albert Pujols to win the National League MVP.  Three years ago, it was Harold Reynolds’ ill-informed diatribe about Andruw Jones.  Two years ago, it was Michael Wilbon and his misconceptions about of clutch hitting prowess of Carlos Beltran.

After a hiatus in 2007, we’re back in action again thanks to Fox Sports’ Mark Kriegel and his ridiculous suggestion that Manny Ramirez – he of two months in the National League – deserves to be the NL MVP.  Take it away, Mark…

No one has done as much for a single team this season as Manny Ramirez has done for Los Angeles.

Let’s try this again… “No one has done as much for a single team in the last two months of this season as Manny Ramirez has done for Los Angeles.”   Better.

Not only has he transformed the Dodgers, he's changed the balance of power in the National League.

Indeed he has.  Now instead of the Diamondbacks, it will be the Dodgers assuming the role of worst team in the NL to make the playoffs.

Conventional wisdom says the league's most valuable player is Albert Pujols, who is hitting .354 with 34 homers and 104 RBIs. The MVP ballot's first two criteria are, first, "actual value of a player to his team" and second, "number of games played." To be sure, then, a first-place vote for Pujols is not a ballot miscast. But the Cardinals are a fourth-place team in the Central Division.

And if the Dodgers were in the Central Division?  They’d be…a fourth place team.  Even with Manny.

Now, Ramirez's "actual value" far exceeds "number of games played." The Dodgers were 54-54 the day he arrived, but seemed worse off than that…Then came Manny, who made everybody forget that vast fortunes had been spent on (Andruw) Jones and Jason Schmidt. The Dodgers were hitting .256 that day. According to Stats Inc., they've been hitting .285 ever since. As of Friday morning, they are 80-73, in sole possession of first place, and a lock for the playoffs.

As of Tuesday they were 81-75, meaning that since Manny was acquired, they have gone 27-21, a decent stretch, but they aren’t exactly leaving a trail of scorched earth behind them as they climb the standings.

As for the prospective MVP himself, he's batting .400 with 44 RBIs in as many games. He has six game-winning hits. His slugging percentage is .738. His on-base percentage is .485. Even when he has a bad day, as he did Thursday, he walks a couple of times.

Ramirez was acquired on 7/31.  Since that glorious day in which the sky opened and God sent his dreadlocked baseball savant to LA, Manny’s stats look like this:

.399/493/.751 16 HR, 49 RBI, 33 BB, 33 Runs 173 AB

Meanwhile, the guy who has been carrying the Cardinals for the better part of the decade was doing his all to drag a marginally talented team into the thick of the Wild Card race.  His line from 7/31 on:

.337/.429/.669 13 HR, 41 RBI, 27 BB, 29 runs 169 AB

Slight advantage goes to Manny across the board.  Not surprising since he’s been white hot since he forced his way out of Boston by essentially being a dickhead.  But here’s how they both fared before the trade:

Pujols - .355/.464/.615 21 HR, 65 RBI, 70 BB, 86 Runs
Manny – he played in the freaking American League

Basically what we’re saying is – why would you vote for a player whose been hot for two months, when his counterpart has been hot the entire season?    Unless he was working Joe Torre’s bunch like a ventriloquist from 3,000 miles away for the first four months, it’s only possible for Manny to have had an impact on 33% of the games played by the Dodgers this season.  Pujols has played in 91% of the Cardinals games.

As of Tuesday, the two teams had records separated by one game.

Albert Pujols is not the reason the Cardinals are going to miss the postseason.  Albert Pujols is the reason the Cardinals ever had a chance at the postseason to begin with.  He is the MVP…again.

Finally, there's this: Dodger home attendance has gone from an average of 44,577 to 48,494, a 9 percent increase since Ramirez arrived.

Well, Mark, you should have led off your argument with this stat.  Had we known that the goal was to motivate Los Angelesians to come to the ole’ ballpark we would have conceded right away.

At least we aren’t alone in our contention that Pujols deserves the award.  From Jonah Keri of ESPN.com…

Pujols leads the majors in a slew of categories, from slugging average and OPS to more advanced stats like Value Over Replacement Player and Runs Created. He's one of the best baserunners and defenders in the league at his position. There is no good statistical argument that could possibly favor any other player in the league as more valuable this season.

Cyber fist bump, Jonah.
Steve Tasker is like Rick Reilly with a microphone

CBS analyst Steve Tasker sat alongside Gus Johnson Sunday in Atlanta for the Falcons and Chiefs game. During Michael Turner's touchdown barrage, he proved he might be a fan of the WorldWide Leader's top producer of similies.

Michael Turner is ...

"... like a bowling ball with spikes."

"... like a bowling ball going down a set of steps."

"... all elbows and all knees."

"You'll belly-laugh"

Okay, so the last one wasn't a literary device at all, but the terms "belly-laugh" to describe the experience of watching "Worst Week" makes us laugh. All told, we enjoyed our Steve Tasker/Gus Johnson experience. If we get stuck watching another crappy game on CBS, they'll make it bearable.

Bob Carpenter Memorial Snappy Line

Gus Johnson knows a good snapper.  He's got the intensity, the wit and he's got the volume level to sell it.  God does he have the volume.   And being a TV guy, he shares Bob's passion for taking a visual and making sure the listener will never forget it.  When Ozzie Smith made a diving catch back in the 80's, you better believe the old Carpster was there with a "Yellowbrick Road" snapper.  When Gus Johnson saw Falcons wide receiver Roddy White do a backflip in the endzone after a TD catch, he was taking advantage...

"They're flipping out over (Matt Ryan), in Atlanta."

If only Ozzie would have done backflips.