"I just got off the phone with Joe Mustache, and he said he didn't call Tony Romo this past week." - Peter King

Bob Garcia accuses Jon Gruden of homophobia

Jeff Garcia's dad ripped into Jon Gruden earlier in the week as a result of Gruden's reliance on Brian Griese this season. Even though Gruden is bonafide offensive genius, I think Bob Garcia might be on to something. Son Jeff has four touchdowns, two interceptions and has completed 70% of his passes. Griese has the same number of touchdowns (in 33 more attempts), six interceptions and a 57 completion percentage.

So what would possess Gruden to turn to Brian Griese with a healthy Jeff Garcia later this season? I really don't know, but I do think we can look to Gruden's facial expressions for answers. He's always baffled and confused while watching Griese, almost as if Brian dropped his pads and played with his pants around his ankles. With Garcia under center, Gruden grimaces and appears to be in pain, as if center Jeff Faine's pants are around his ankles. I don't know, whatever is less painful for the coach, I guess.

Tony Romo calls Brett Favre to tell him he shouldn't have thrown those interceptions

Some pundits were calling it a rematch of "Heidy Bowl", but I say that's akin to calling the Giants 29-17 win over the 49ers a rematch of the 2002 Wild Card and a rematch of the 1990 NFC Championship. Some of those pundits are toolboxes, I decree. Big, rusty toolboxes in need of a solid JSF beating.

Anyway, JaMarcus Russell out-dueled the Messianic slinger of fun, throwing a touchdown and passing for 203 yards. His counterpart was a mediocre 21/38 for 197 yards with two interceptions. For the season, he's thrown eight interceptions in 6 games proving he might need a scaled back Mike McCarthy style playbook. And it might be hard to believe, but Aaron Rodgers has half as many interceptions with one extra game under his belt. Maybe the devil Ted Thompson was on to something when he made that blasphemous decision.

I do know that Jay Glazer's insider info about Brett Favre giving the Green Bay playbook away to the Detroit Lions prior to their Week 2 meeting is utter crap. Even bigger crap is the media's lack of coverage of the nonsense. Brett, you truly are a bigger, more selfish whore than I ever imagined. I hope you go out a loser, ya big dork. Now call Tony Romo and tell him I called you a dork, and then call ESPN to tell them you called Tony.

Any other quarterback pulls the crap Favre pulls and they're vilified. But he's just out there being Brett. If the NFL can prove the claim, he should be fined at the very least by Principal Goodell. Edit: Charles Woodson DOES NOT APPROVE.

Phil Dawson receives pick-me-up cup-squeeze after tying field goal miss




Announcer voice: "When you're down in the dumps and you need a pick-me-up that works fast and effective ... YOU BETTER GET ZASTUDIL!!"

Roy Williams tallies zero catches vs. Texans

Two weeks ago, the Texans and Rams were 0-4 but now both find themselves with two wins. Oddly enough, both clubs scored touchdowns on their first three possessions yesterday, and both beat a team with a lingering Roy Williams odor. I checked though, and Willams didn't show up for the game in Houston. After the Texans' 1st quarter whooping, the Lions revealed to the world that they are in fact starving kittens who were just put in the microwave by the neighborhood prankster (don't act like you didn't have that guy in your subdivision).

In the 1st Quarter this season, the Lions ... ...

-- have been outscored 54-0

-- have been outgained 775-128

-- have given up 44 1st downs to their 8

-- are 1/15 on 3rd down while their opponents are 12/19 on 3rd down

Ladies and gentlemen, if that doesn't scream poor coaching and poor preparation, I don't know what does. The only thing that could be worse is for Rod Marinelli to take the sidelines nude while eating a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger from Wendy's.

Errant Derek Anderson throw lands in Green Bay



Fact of the week that might only appeal to this guy

The Colts were flagged for 12 penalties in Green Bay, the most ever for a Tony Dungy-coached team. All told, there were 155 penalties called Sunday, good for an average of 12 per game -- or roughly one Raiders half.

Brodie Croyle schedules next injury for September '09

The Titans have won nine straight regular season games (WILL THEY GO UNDEFEATED!? WILL THEY? MERCURY MORRIS WILL BE BY LATER IN THE COLUMN TO GIVE HIS THOUGHTS ON PERFECTION.) and rushed for 332 yards against the Chiefs. It was the second time this year Kansas City has given up 300+ yards on the ground - the Raiders in Week 2 achieved similar statistics. Needless to say, they rank dead last against the rush, giving up 207 yards per game. Sunday also marked the second time the Chiefs had three different players attempt a pass in one game.

Things are bleak in Herm Edwards camp. Just when you think things can't get any worse, they do. As evidence of this unfortunate phenomenon, Lendale White scored on an 80 yard touchdown Sunday. Seriously, how does a group of 11 finely conditioned athletes let Lendale White outrun them for 80 yards? If you had 11 Brian Urlacher Fatheads, 11 guys in wheel chairs or put a nursing home team out on the field, I'm willing to be any of the three groups would stop him short of the goal line.

Frerotte pulls off improbable Tarvaris Jackson impersonation

On a day when starting Bears cornerbacks Charles Tillman and Nathan Vasher, and nickleback Danieal Manning didn't see the field, Gus Frerotte managed to throw four interceptions. His special teammates gave up two touchdowns, taking Minnesota's grand season total to 5 special teams touchdowns given up.

I know it might seem like Frerotte isn't helping Minnesota's chances too much, but his wicked 72.5 passer rating is seven points higher than Tarvaris Jackson's. If Brad Childress really wants to prove to his players that Frerotte is the guy to lead them to their media-created Super Bowl, I suggest starting John David Booty for a couple games. Once Booty throws a couple picks, Childress can go back to Frerotte with clear evidence that Frerotte's the man; if he has the highest passer rating, it has to be true.

Eddie Royal fan shows support at Steelers/Bengals contest



Shockey, Winslow turn tight end into diva position

After five catches for 50 yards in his return to the lineup, Jeremy Shockey ripped the Saints for bringing him back from injury too soon and for mis-diagnosing him. In an unexpected twist, Shockey received a phone call from someone offering injury advice -- only this came from the most unusual of sources. That's right. When in doubt, blame the team doctors for something. Anything. And blame them while I'm waiting.

Shockey's fellow tight end Kellen Winslow is pissed at the Browns front office. He says team GM Phil Savage failed to make one phone call to him while in the hospital with a staph infection. Oohhh (*puppy dog face*).

Winslow went so far as to say "Sometimes I don't even feel a part of this team," even though teammates, his position coach and Romeo Crennel all paid Winslow attention and called to see how he was doing. Winslow continued, "I feel I've done a lot for this team, played through a lot of pain and given it my all. I just thought there'd be a little more how are you doing?' by him."

Yes, you sure have done a lot, Kellen. Like, you broke your right leg two games into your career and blew out your ACL the following year in a motorcycle accident. You've done so much for the club. You really need to be commended. Purple Heart, perhaps?

In defense of Winslow, his staph infection marks the 7th such infection in four years at Browns headquarters. In other words, Cleveland has seven more staph infections then playoff wins in that time. They're leading the league in something, though, and that's what counts.

Philip debuts Rivers Dance



Little slow on the rhythmic footwork, there.

Jerry's Kids starting to unravel at the seams

Jerry Jones caught some of Tony Romo's passes early in the weekend, and believed he was good enough to play Sunday. Even so, Romo remained on the sideline while Brad Johnson showed the mobility of a Slurpy Machine (first thing that popped into my head). Steven Jackson earned retribution (in his head, anyway) by burning the team that passed him in the draft for 3 scores and 160 yards. Oddly enough, Steven has yet to realize 22 other teams passed over him in the draft. Perhaps he should consider that next time he plays one of those clubs.

As for Dallas, Roy Williams had a severe flashback to his days in Detroit. Actually, no, it was worse than that:

"This is my fifth year and this is my first time to not catch a ball. It's frustrating because I want to help this team win."

Wow. Congratulations to Wade Phillips for accomplishing something Rod Marinell, Steve Mariucci, Mike Martz and Matt Millen could never accomplish. Congrats to Wade for ... as he might say, ... ... ... whatever ...

"I either didn't get them ready enough to play, although we did score on the first drive, or whatever, but uh, this is the worst game this team has played since I've been here."

It's not even funny how close Roy Williams, Wade Phillips and the Cowboys were to scoring 40 points yesterday.

The Monday Football Column is written by Patrick Imig. He think Wade Phillips was daydreaming about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches Sunday afternoon. Email him at patrick@joesportsfan.com.