They’re everywhere. 

When they’re not invading the foundation of our home, they’re infesting the coats of our dogs and transmitting disease.  They’re increasing the outbreak of syphilis, herpes, and various forms of STDs throughout the globe. 

NBA player Shawn Livingston dislocated his kneecap the other day, and we think they were partly to blame.  Think it’s a coincidence the Dow dropped 416 points yesterday?

Think again. 

The problem is so widespread that $126 million pitchers are dressing in drag and career .250 hitters are being implicated with steroid use.  Not only that, but professional football players are murdering their dogs, NBA players are starving them, and Anna Nicole Smith still hasn’t been buried yet.

And for what?  So that the scum of the earth - having never set foot inside a locker room, yet achieving the title of self-proclaimed “expert” – can entertain their minions with mindless drivel?  They don’t smell like a crusty, sweaty elevator, they aren’t overweight, and they don’t talk to athletes, and yet, they believe themselves to be experts?

Sam Smith, for one, is fed up with it. 

He, along with thousands of other seasoned journalists is tired of the revolution, because the world is a horrible place with these cretins in our presence.  And because more will likely be spawned, tomorrow is bound to be worse.  What is this plague we speak of? One disgusting word – Bloggers.  Those fat naked guys who sit in their parent’s basements and type stuff on computers for other people to read at their leisure.  Sickos. 

We ask that you join the fight against the axis of evil known as the Blog.  If a respected, reputable journalist like Jay Marriotti thinks bloggers are bad, then by God, these bloggers need to be eradicated from the face of the earth.

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth
"Tough Nuts to Crack"- ESPN.com Headline

We normally stray from dot com headlines, but we’re still wondering how that phrase has anything to do with Ohio State basketball.
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"Let me tell you something about the thug element.  Thugs don't let people mess with their money.  So evidently these guys really are not thugs because if you're a thug, you don't let people mess with your money." – Stephen A. Smith on Pac Man Jones and his Posse

An excerpt from Smith’s upcoming book, “Chicken Soup for the Thug’s Soul”.
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"The bottom line is this: there's no excuse for it and it is inexcusable and I'm tired of making excuses for all of these athletes." – Stephen A. Smith

You know what else he’s tired of?  Excuses.  And the excuses for people who excuse people after hearing their excuses!
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”Send those borrowed shoes to the Pro Football Hall of Fame, because a legend was born Sunday in Indianapolis.” – John Clayton on Calvin Johnson

We’re wondering if watching a 265 lb wide receiver run a 4.3 40 would have been any less impressive if he would have been wearing his own shoes.  Chalk us up for a “who gives a shit whose shoes he was wearing, that was impressive any way you slice it”. 
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“Obviously (Mike Shanahan) is very interested in Jeff Garcia.  He loves Jeff Garcia.  The Denver Broncos have not talked to Jeff Garcia… but also Jeff Garcia wants to start and Mike Shanahan told me they can’t pay what Jeff Garcia wants.” – Mark Schlereth

It’s almost as if Schlereth was pretending he was Jeff Garcia speaking in the third person.  And that’s 5 ‘Jeff Garcia’s’ in 41 words if you’re keeping score at home.
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”Don’t read or listen to anything we say.”- Sean Salisbury

Salisbury’s message to prospective combine participants extends beyond the NFL to all sports fans.
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“Watch the way (Ohio State centerGreg Oden) blocks shots -- just like Bill Russell and Walton, he doesn't block shots as much as he deflects them and keeps them in play (so they'll lead to a potential fast break). It's the single best thing about his game, an innate skill that can't be learned.” – Bill Simmons

You’re telling us that college kids can’t learn why it might be smarter to keep a blocked ball in play rather than emphatically launch it into the stands?  God, these D-1 athletes are more of a lost cause than we thought. 
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"St. Louis won it all without an ace. It's rising to the occasion and having enough guys to do it." – Jason Schmidt, AP Story

Word of advice to Jason Schmidt – next time you dig in against the Cardinals when Chris Carpenter is on the mound, don’t get too comfortable. 

Media Rant of the Week – They Still Haven’t Learned
Rest assured, progress has been made. 

Typically around this time of year, fans strolling through the library of baseball preview articles are subjected to the ultimate in sports optimism – a Chicago Cubs preview that predicts big things based on the assumption that Mark Prior and Kerry Wood will be healthy.  

Every year, at least a few pie-in-the-sky media members ignore years of history and fall victim to a trap that most reasonable Cubs fans learned to avoid long ago – counting on Prior and Wood. 

Last year it was Hall of Famer Tony Gwynn crafting a made-for-The Media Circus argument for the Cubs to win the National League based largely on his assumption that the once formidable duo would regain their long lost slots amongst the elite pitchers in the league.  As was evident by their league worst 66-96 record, things didn’t work quite the way Tony thought they would.

But like we said, progress has been made. 

As we’ve all heard by now, the Cubs made several splashes in the offseason bringing to the surface a new type of optimism – the kind that doesn’t rely on injury prone starters who get injured falling out hot tubs.  In the Cubs previews we’ve read this spring, most writers have come to terms with the fact that Wood and Prior are never to be counted on for anything other than a few stints on the DL, mentioning them only as potential icing on the Cubbie cake. 

Most writers. 

As former Giants and Cubs pitcher turned msnbc.com baseball analyst Mike Krukow demonstrated recently, sometimes old habits die hard:

“But if this season he can stay healthy, we could see the Prior of old. And it's this simple: if the 26-year-old right-hander can give the Cubs 200 innings, they could pull off a stunner and win the National League Central.”

Sounds easy enough. If the Cubs can count on him to log 53% more innings than he’s averaged throughout his five-year career, then things are golden.  How about this – if another oft injured Cubs player, Cliff Floyd should happen to increase his career HR and RBI average by 53% then he’s looking at 37 bombs and 136 RBI this season.  This team might win 110 games at this rate.

“I also wouldn't be surprised if Wood blossomed in the closer's role.”

Neither would we, just because he’s never recorded a save in his eight-year career is no reason to think he won’t put up 30 or 40 this season. 

“The Cubs have talent, and as long as they have health, Piniella could look like a genius, and Chicago --providing Prior and Wood stay healthy -- could make a serious run at going from worst to first in a division that smacks of parity.”

While most of the fans and the media have come to terms with the Prior and Wood saga, there’s just something about them that seems to inspire the confidence of former California-based Major League players.

We’re eagerly awaiting next spring when msnbc.com hires Chili Davis to write an article on two kid pitchers in Chi-town who are poised to break out of their funk.  

Sean Salisbury is Angry at You
It may be the dead of the NFL off-season, but that hasn’t stopped the WorldWide Leader from casting their football offspring in starring roles on network programming.  The lack of vacation and constant work has made even the angriest of the angry come to a boiling point. 

Sean, what’s on your mind about the Bears failing to resign Lovie Smith to an extension?

”First of all, the Chicago Bears management needs to wake up, and quit being so tight!  I got a major, major issue with that!  If you rob Peter, you’re gonna have to pay Paul!!!"

During the season, he’s angry at the audience and now he’s calling out entire organizations.  He really needs a vacation.  And for the record, shouldn’t a man with a history of penis photography avoid synonyms such as 'Peter' when it’s not referencing the specific name of a player or coach?

Bob Carpenter Memorial Snappy Line
While struggling through snappy withdrawal the last few weeks, Mr. C has been notably down in the dumps.  Maybe snappy lines weren’t as hip and cool as he had thought. 

Then while surfing the web for jean shorts, Carpenter stumbled upon this glorious headline on an NBCsports.com video clip:

“Mark’s Back to Prior Shape”

He looked down to his thumbs, which were subconsciously pointed northward.  All was snappy in the world again. 

The Media Circus is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.  They swear this stuff is real.  E-mail them at info@joesportsfan.com


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