God bless sports photographers.  We don’t say that enough.  God bless the men and women who go out and sit through hours of sporting events in the hopes that they can land that one great shot that will wind up in newspapers, magazines, online, etc.  And if they’re really solid, websites around the globe will steal them and put them on their sites without so much as a word of thanks.

Why all the love for photographers?  Because they’ve been able to capture the game in a way we couldn’t imagine otherwise. 

One area that demonstrates that as much as any other is the pitching mound in a Major League baseball game.   What’s going on in a guy’s mind as he hurls a ball at freakishly high speeds?  Thanks to the cameramen and their giant zoom lenses we can finally put a name to those faces…

The “Can we please get some acoustic guitar over the PA system?” Face
Some pitchers may see the traditional “charge” jingle as a means of getting the crowd into the game.  Serious musicians like Bronson use it as way to conjure up pure anger and focus it towards the platter.  God forsaken organ music. The guy playing doesn't even know what art is. Might as well break out a freaking kazoo next inning.

The “Oh, man I totally sharted on that one” Face
Happens to the best of us.  You exert yourself just a shade too much and suddenly you’re really hoping you’re not due up to bat the next inning because you need to make a quick stop off in the equipment room.

The “Oh, man I totally sharted on that one and now I think I can smell it a little” Face

A close relative of the above noted face, demonstrated to perfection here by Roy Oswalt.

The “Yeah, I know I look like the fat kid that was on your Little League team, the jokes aren’t funny anymore” Face
Am I the only one who thinks that Tom Gorzelanny could pass for a beefy cleanup hitter in any standard Little League game?  I’m betting he just found some leftover Snickers on that lower lip. 

The “Damn I wish I had a Snickers” Face
If Tom Gorzelanny was munching on some rogue caramel on his lip in the pictue above, then consider Bartolo Colon and Ray King jealous. When these two slobs are pitching, you’ll see this face on…well pretty much every pitch.  After all, when is the last time these two didn't want a candy bar?

The “I only throw mid 80’s so I have to scream to look intimidating” Face
You want to intimidate?  Forget chin music, all you have to do is howl like a monkey while throwing. 

The “Beaker” Face
As up and down as he is, Jason Marquis is typically throwing BB’s when he’s got the Beaker Face rocking.

The “Gyro-Face”

No one knows how he does it or even if he's doing it at all.  Is it Japanese myth or the key to Dice-K's success? The Gyro Face remains a mystery.

The “God I wish my boyfriend was here to see me” Face
Typically seen on Andy Pettitte for the first few months of the season...then Roger comes back and all is well again.

The “Did you guys hear something snap?” Face
Best demonstrated on two guys who have heard straining and snapping of damn near every ligament and/or tendon in their respective right arms, this face usually makes an appearance right around April or May right before the regularly scheduled “Rotator Cuff & Tommy John Surgery Extravaganza” held at Wrigley each summer. 

The “What the hell did you say about my hair?” Face
While I can’t speak from personal experience, it’s my estimation that, when a 6’11 man who can throw a ball close to 100 mph is standing in front of you, it’s in everyone’s best interests not to mock his hair. Even when it’s as bad as Randy Johnson’s was. 

The “I’m just closing my eyes and praying that when I’m done throwing this pitch, I haven’t swallowed my chew” Face
Perfected by Padres ace Jake Peavy, this variety is for the hardcore chewers.  We’re not talking about the guy who sucks on a couple of Bandits in between innings.  We’re talking about the guy whose scraping the bottom of the Kodiak can because he’s got some spare lip room.  It’s hard to control when you’re firing fastball after fastball, so if you have to eat a pinch or two, then oh well.  There’s more in the dugout.

The “Dude, please.  You and I both know I can punch you out anytime I want” Face
Basically this is the face that every fan in America wishes was on their team.

JSF Weekly is written by Josh Bacott.  He's just glad that no one has a high powered camera around when he's typing a particularly difficult paragraph.  E-mail him at josh@joesportsfan.com