It’s a typical Saturday morning in early July.  You stumble out of bed around 10:30, load up a bowl of Trix and crash in front of the TV to catch up on the happenings from the world of sports.  

What better place to go than Sportscenter, after all it’s the flagship of the Worldwide Leader in Sports, right?  And there sits Josh Elliott behind the desk busy conducting an interview with the person who is certain to quench the thirst of rabid sports fans….Ruth Hilton.  

The Ruth Hilton.  Yeah, the Deputy Editor of OK! Magazine (as if you didn’t know).  

And what were they talking about?  Only what was on the mind of every sports fan in the country - the oh-so romantic nuptials of Eva Longoria and Tony Parker, of course.  And why shouldn’t they have interviewed the editor of a cheesy, teenage girl gossip rag?  It wasn’t as if there was a full docket of MLB games the night before or anything like that…wait never mind.  

So what kind of intriguing questions was Elliott able to come up with?…

“The couple has rented a 17th century castle outside of Paris for the reception.  What can we expect there?”

Our guess is that you can expect free drinks, lots of photographers and a French version of the Electric Slide.  And you know what else you can expect?  You can expect the sports blogging community to rip you mercilessly.  And you deserve it.  

For all the crap that people rip on ESPN for – and the list is long and includes Chris Berman – we still held out hope that the once credible sports information program would know not to dedicate significant time to a celebrity wedding at a castle in France.  

You tried ESPN Hollywood. There is a reason it failed.

And no matter what you may want to tell yourself, that reason wasn’t because of AC Slater.

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth
"What does it mean to be "NOW"?  On the field accomplishments, off the field buzz.  To be "NOW", you simply have to have it all." - Jay Harris, ESPN

This NOW business on ESPN sucks worse than Karl Ravech’s toupee.
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"(Milton Bradley) has to be happy because he was on his way to Kansas City - not that Kansas City is a bad place." - Joe Morgan on Milton Bradley signing with the Padres.

Two things: one, it’s safe to say Morgan was trying to imply playing for KC is a bad place for baseball (you can’t argue that).  Two, regardless of where he’s playing, there is no way Milton Bradley is ever happy.
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"Larry Lucchino and Kevin Towers believe it's a lot easier to build a winning team in a pitcher's ballpark - Seattle being a good example, San Francisco another example." - Peter Gammons

This argument loses some fuel since neither the Mariners or Giants have reached the playoffs since 2003.

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"Confidence is 99% of this game.  If you feel like you're going to get a hit, most of the time you have a good chance." – Joe Morgan

By this logic, even the best hitters only "feel" hits 35% of the time and talent is not necessary to play baseball.

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“David Ortiz is about as clutch as anybody in the game.” – Joe Buck

No one is discounting Ortiz’s clutch hits during big time moments, we just wanted to point out that his career .295 average with runners in scoring position trails A-Rod (.304), Jeter (.313), Vlad Guerrero (.325), and Magglio Ordonez (.330).
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“I think he'll develop the power that Rollins currently displays while being a faster and more exciting player. He's the most exciting player in the big leagues today.” – Steve Phillips when asked if he would take Jimmy Rollins or Jose Reyes.

We all know the rules – you can’t mention Jose Reyes without claiming he’s the most exciting player in the game.  Just keeping you on your toes, Steve.  
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“Jose Reyes shows that rocket he’s got hanging on the right side of his body.” – Joe Buck

Don’t forget that it’s the most exciting rocket in baseball. 

Report: Eric Karros Still Wearing Helmet in Retirement

And...

Media Rant – What Happened to the All Star Game?
All things considered, we like sports.  We really do.  Though it may seem we don’t at times, we enjoy a compelling game as much as any other fan (it’s why we started the site, after all).  But why is it that we can’t enjoy the All Star Game anymore?  

Is it because we’re no longer kids?  Because we look back much more fondly on Bo Jackson leading off the 1989 All Star game with a home run or Bonds and Griffey battling for the home run title at Camden Yards than anything that has happened this decade.  

To be fair to this year’s telecast, the Willie Mays tribute and his pre-recorded interview with Derek Jeter and Ken Griffey, Jr was enjoyable (we also loved that Mays left in a pink Cadillac, much like the Honky Tonk Man at WrestleMania VI).

Those positives aside, we had trouble finding interest in last night’s game.  We couldn’t even enjoy Ichiro’s inside the park homer because the previous two minutes were focused on a kayaking Eric Byrnes yelling after his swimming dog Bruin who failed to fetch a baseball Byrnes threw.

So we put our frustrations into action and came up with 10 reasons the All Star Game is becoming unbearable to watch (in no particular order).

Chris Berman
It’s been documented time and again, but Chris Berman is thriving in his quest to ruin our sports viewing experience.  We couldn’t watch but 3 minutes of the home run derby on Monday Night.  During that short period, Boomer rattled off 3 different geographical locations where the ball was heading, including “Alcatraz”. 

Taco Bell Swing for a Million
Would it be asking too much to completely ax this exhibition or at least move it to the Home Run Derby telecast?  Oh, and could you at least find a guy who doesn’t make a fool of himself.  If he’s going to suck at hitting, at least get him liquored up beforehand to see how he reacts.

Chris Rose
He seems like a genuine guy, but we can’t enjoy the antics of a guy who has or has had frosted tips, is “boys” with Rob Dibble, and hosts all the Fox Sports B-List shows, including the ridiculous All Star Red Carpet Special.  Hey Chris, nobody gives a shit that your “red carpet” is the largest red carpet in the world.

Note: there is much more in depth crap on the Red Carpet Special in today's Daily Memo, and it involves sea lions, cable cars, and Chris Rose.  Of course, we're not joking.

Who's NOW?
Sorry… no idea how that got in there.

Over Saturation
Red Carpet special, On Deck Special, Pre-game show involving Taco Bell guy, Kevin Kennedy, Eric Karros and Karros' constant questioning of himself (ex: “Why do I say that?”  “What do I mean by that?”).  The first pitch didn’t occur until 5:54 Pacific Time.  The main Fox telecast began at 5:00.  

The structure of the home run derby
Memo to ESPN, the HR Derby has never ended in two hours, so plan your timeslots accordingly.  To Major League Baseball, we ask that you shorten the damn contest.  Berman by his lonesome is bad enough - fatigued hitters and a restless crowd make the whole experience worse.

Dane Cook
We’re already tired of it and it’s not even August.

John Mellencamp
The guy might be a bigger media whore than Favre, Clemens, Schilling and Berman combined.  He and his commercials only show up for the big events now, but even in limited exposure, they annoy the piss out of us.

Corporate Synergy
In response to the Homer Simpson cameo during pre-game ceremonies, we ask that, in the future, Fox refrains from “sending it out to Homer” for his insight.  Instead, somebody just come clean and say, “WE SERIOUSLY COULD CARE LESS ABOUT YOUR LEVEL OF ENJOYMENT FOR THIS GAME.  IT’S NOT A PRIORITY WHEN THERE IS MONEY TO BE MADE.” 

We were actually surprised a Foxbot didn’t perform the National Anthem.

This Time it Counts
In theory, it seems like a good idea.  In practice, it’s a miserable failure.  When the pregame comments from both managers stress how this is “for the fans” and is “something you’ll always remember”, it’s kind of a hint to MLB offices that maybe switching this game from an exhibition wasn’t such a great idea.

Oddly enough, in its non-exhibition state, the game has been overshadowed by a circus-like atmosphere. 
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You know, after re-reading this list, we’re beginning to think merely sitting through 3 hours with Tim McCarver isn’t such a bad thing.

Well, maybe not.

Breaking News: Authorities Re-Search Bill Maas’ Car
In case you missed it, Fox’s #8 color analyst Bill Maas has been removed from all future FOX NFL telecasts after being arrested on possession of dope, coke, ecstasy and an illegal firearm (did he raid Pac Man’s medicine cabinet - tee-hee).    
 
There was one other item authorities discovered, however, which the mainstream outlets failed to report and it’s just as dangerous as the others.  Thankfully Joe Mustache and his staff of investigative journalists got to the bottom of it and discovered authorities also charged Maas for reckless possession of… negative sideburns.

Don’t ever underestimate the severity of legal punishment for a set of negburns.  [Update: The Big Lead has the Bill Maas mugshot.  Sadly, you can't view the negburns or lack thereof.] 

Bob Carpenter Memorial Snappy Line
For the Bobber, it was only fitting that he stumbled on to two quality quotations using fire analogies for today’s Carpenter Memorial.  After all, the past seven days, Bobby has celebrated the 4th of July with FIREworks (*he loved that line*).  
 
First, Bob turned to leftovers from Bill Plaschke, who boldly predicted that Kobyashi would destroy the soon-to-be champion Joey Chestnut and win the hot dog eating championship: 

"Chestnut is going to be roasted on an open fire."

Not only was it snappy, but it involved some alternative holiday lingo on the 4th of July (it didn’t matter that Plaschke was wrong).  Bobby’s weekend wasn’t complete until he watched highlights of Astros rookie Hunter Pence run around the bases.  Intrigued, he looked to Baseball Tonight captain Karl Ravech for some analysis…

"His Pence are on fire again!"

All things considered, it was a banner 4th of July week in the snappy family.  Not only is the Bobber a fan of Christmas Carol analogies, he’s also a closet supporter of the Bloodhound Gang.  Two thumbs up from Robert C.

The Media Circus is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.  They swear this stuff is real.  Email them at info@joesportsfan.com