Last week’s Top 7 explored the best moments in sports movie history.  For every “good” list, there has to be a “bad” list, and that’s what we’ll take care of this week.  This one was easier to compile because plenty of sports movies have absolutely horrific endings, some of them partially ruining an otherwise decent movie.  It’s kind of like Michael Jackson’s career—hit after hit after hit until around 1993, when he began dying his skin, marrying people for publicity, and word came out that he was a pedophile, while ceasing to make decent songs.  His death has to be one of the top five that could make the biggest news possible, don’t you think?  Bonus Top 7 Michael Jackson songs: Billie Jean, Rock With You, The Way You Make Me Feel, Man in the Mirror, P.Y.T., Smooth Criminal, Thriller.

7. Major League II

Much like Home Alone 2, you shouldn’t mess with perfection.  Major League II almost ruins the first one a bit, completely changing every almost every character while giving us the downer that the previous year’s Indians were swept in the first round of the playoffs.  The ending featured basically the exact same storyline as the top of the 9th in the first one, as Rick Vaughn strikes out Jack Parkman.  The only differences are that he fouls the second pitch to the screen and it’s hard to care about the characters anymore, plus the Indians are no longer underdogs and are frankly a bit annoying.



6. Rookie of the Year

This particular entry doesn’t even refer to Henry Rowengartner getting Mets players out with little league trick plays, or the final floater pitch that his mom Mary recommends.  It refers to the final image, where Henry flashes his World Series championship ring.  So let’s make sure we get this straight—a 10-year old who can no longer throw over 100 because his arm ligament is back to normal, plus the #2 starter whose arm blew out in the final game of the regular season, go on and lead their team to a playoff series win AND a World Series win.  Makes complete and total sense. Note: we couldn't find the end scene. Tough to swallow.




5. Remember the Titans

I almost threw Rudy in this space simply because it was a meaningless sack in a game that was already decided, but something seemed a bit evil about that, especially since it actually happened and Rudy being carried off the field could be considered the actual ending.  Instead, Remember the Titans comes in!  It’s a decent and entertaining movie, but the final play—an 80-yard reverse to win the game—is beyond horrific.  When you throw in that in the real “Remember the Titans” state championship game that they won in an ungodly shutout blowout, it makes it even worse.  Of course, it’s made by the same guy who thought that Ben Affleck blowing up a Texas-sized asteroid with a single nuclear weapon a few feet deep was believable, so whatever.



4. The Sandlot

Good God was this ending uncomfortably bad.  As I said last week, I think that this is one of the most underrated sports movies that there is, but only if you stop it before the final scene.  In it, you see Smalls, now the announcer for the Dodgers, calling Benny The Jet’s steal of home.  He makes a huge deal of it even though it seemingly doesn’t win the game, nor is it a big game.  On top of that, Smalls has a Sandlot picture in the announcing booth, announces like he’s in his first day of broadcasting school, and, worst of all, gets a thumbs-up from Benny afterwards.  We are talking Full House-level bad here.  Speaking of which…



3. Full House

Longtime Top 7 readers will know that Full House gets tons of leeway as far as being included in topics that aren’t necessarily their category, so in this case, it counts as a movie.  If you were lucky, you caught this particular episode twice on re-runs in the past week (as I did, as I am recovering from ACL reconstruction following a November incident at my rehearsal dinner when I tore it in a dance contest finals against a 12-year old girl).  Uncle Jesse joins Danny and Joey in a celebrity charity basketball game refereed by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, which you can’t make up.  Kareem coaches Jesse into finding out about his “sweet spot” where he can never miss, even though he shoots like LeBron James Jr.  The basketball playing, the crowd reactions, and the final play are enough to make you cringe.  Good luck getting through it without turning away or changing the channel out of “embarrassed to be watching” syndrome.

2. Fever Pitch

For Cardinal fans, it’s painful to watch the ending as it forces us to re-live the best Cardinal team of the last 25 years after they completely crapped the bed in the 2004 World Series.  For Red Sox fans, it reminds them that one of the first images that they had after the most emotional moment of their sports lives was Jimmy Fallon hugging Drew Barrymore on the field.  Brutal all the way around.  “Summer Catch” was originally in this spot, but it’s so horrible that it can’t even be counted (a guy leaves mid-game to be with a girl).



1. The Scout

Just an abomination.  Brendan Fraser supposedly throws 110 mph, gets helicoptered into his first start, then throws 81 pitches, all strikes, for a perfect game.  To top off the most insulting ending ever, Ozzie Smith is the final batter, and they try to say that he has had a power surge recently, which not only would have never happened in six trillion years, but he would have also been hitting 9th.  What an absolute pile of dung.