Poo Holes! Poo Holes! Poo Holes!

If you are going to the 2009 Major League Baseball All-Star game next Tuesday, as well as planning on catching the HGH Fest Home Run Derby the night before, you'll probably hear those chants quite often.

Indeed, Albert is arguably the best player going.

But the reality is that most of you can't afford $2,000 for a ticket, so you'll be sitting in a bar, drinking a few dozen ice cold Imbevweisers, and screaming at a television set that won't be listening to a word you are saying.

Alas, the fine men and women of the American Mustache Institute (AMI) offer hope -- hope that may allow you to actually set foot in Busch Stadium DURING the game.

But first, let's pose this question: What do Pujols, Chase Utley, Hanley Ramirez, David Wright, Carlos Beltran, Ryan Braun, Raul Ibanez, Yadier Molina, Joe Mauer, Mark Teixeira, Dustin Pedroia, Derek Jeter, Evan Longoria, Jason Bay, Ichiro Suzuki, and Josh Hamilton all have in common?

If you said no mustaches, you not only now have herpes through the magic of online tools, but you were right - barelipped city baby. And you know what? There's something deeply wrong with that....the mustache part at least.

Baseball is a man's game -- men with thick, rich, delicious, nutritious mustaches. Go back to Mike Schmidt, Gossage, Hojo, Fingers, Kirk Gibson, Dave Stewart, Jack Morris, the Hawk, Wade Boggs, Ozzie Guillen, the Penguin, and more.

And while Bud Selig sits on his hands and let's the baseball mustache die like the Chinese Panda, AMI is bringing the 'stache back to this year's MLB All-Star classic by staging the All-Star 'Stache Dash.

What is it? It's a digital clue hunt set for All-Star weekend that will deliver two free tickets for Tuesday's game to some lucky loser cruising the streets of St. Louis.  And let's also not forget the significance of where the game is being played, as St. Louis is home to the world's largest mustache -- the Gateway Arch.

So how does it all work? Very simple:  sign up to follow the 2009 All-Star ‘Stache Dash on Facebook and Twitter, and as you are stumbling drunkenly through town, look for mustached baseball cards from the 1980s.

Then, when you are not cruising the web for porn, be sure to pay attention to daily updates to the Facebook and Twitter pages on your mobile phones.

Come Monday night, you could win two tickets to see the bare-faced mortals slug it out to determine home field advantage for the 2009 World Series (which is the dumbest thing ever - thank you again Mr. Selig).

Carry on.