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Sources Reveal List of Proposed Cardinals Care Broadcast Auction Items

Tuesday night the Cardinals, Fox Sports Midwest, and KMOX put together a broadcast auction to benefit Cardinals Care, where viewers/listeners could call in and bid on a variety of fan experiences.

Most of the auction items involved spending time with a current or former Cardinal in some fashion, like shadowing Jim Edmonds to get a feel for what it’s like to be an ex-ballplayer trying to get a feel for what it’s like to be a broadcaster, or playing catch on the field with an injured Michael Wacha*.

The full list of experiences was quite impressive. Which gets us wondering, what other ideas were considered? Oh, to be a fly on the wall during those brainstorm sessions with Cardinal brass. Undoubtedly, a host of ideas were floated but not chosen for one reason or another.

Well, wonder no more, because once again, we turned to our extensive network of JSF insider industry sources. They haven’t had much to do lately, so together they flexed their well-rested investigative muscles and uncovered a list of proposed auction items that didn’t make the cut. Here are just a few notables from that list:

THE SCOTT SPIEZIO FRIEND EXPERIENCE

An exclusive experience with former Cardinal (and Illini) great Scott Spiezio for the whole family

  • Scott Spiezio arrives at your home sometime between midnight and 5 a.m. on a mutually agreeable date
  • Spiezio, under the influence of alcohol and narcotics, crashes his BMW into a tree in your front yard
  • Spiezio, filled with rage, breaks down your front door and kicks your ass in front of your wife and children
  • Up to six (6) of your children receive fake red soul patches and arm tattoos of his girlfriend, as applied by an intoxicated Spiezio
  • Members of Spiezio’s band “Sandfrog” arrive later and crash in your basement for a period of seven (7) to ten (10) days, giving periodic impromptu concerts

THE CHRIS DUNCAN LEFT FIELD EXPERIENCE

An exclusive experience for one (1) person

  • Pregame drinking contest with former player/current radio personality Chris Duncan in a private room on the Broadcast level
  • Attendee receives one (1) autographed over-sized novelty foam baseball glove and a pair of women’s pumps
  • Attendee spends one (1) hour shagging fly balls during pregame batting practice while wearing aforementioned novelty glove and women’s pumps
  • Two (2) Field Box Tickets
  • Attendee is escorted out of the stadium following the seventh inning for defensive purposes

NIGHT OUT WITH JOE BUCK AND FERNANDO TATIS EXPERIENCE

An exclusive experience for two (2) people

  • Overpriced, mediocre dinner at any of the two (2) area Buck’s locations, J. Buck’s in Clayton or Joe Buck’s downtown, with Joe Buck and Fernando Tatis
  • Two (2) Field Box Tickets
  • Private postgame party with Mr. Buck and Mr. Tatis for attendees and up to twelve (12) guests in the Florida Room at Just Johns in The Grove
  • Mutually agreeable date

ESTEBAN YAN BATTING PRACTICE EXPERIENCE

An exclusive experience for four (4) people

  • Take batting practice against former Cardinals pitching piñata Esteban Yan and experience the thrill of hitting a home run in the big leagues
  • Each participant is limited to ten (10) home runs in total, or approximately fifteen (15) pitches
  • All four (4) attendees receive a personally autographed baseball from Mr. Yan during post-batting practice meet and greet session
  • All four (4) attendees receive heavy-duty towels to wipe off Mr. Yan’s sweat resulting from aforementioned meet and greet
  • Also includes four (4) pairs of galoshes

THE KEVIN SLATEN & JACK CLARK BROADCAST EXPERIENCE

An exclusive experience for two (2) people

  • Winners are given three (3) hours of prime afternoon drive airtime on the local religious, community, or pirate radio station of their choice, during which they can say pretty much whatever the hell they want about anybody
  • Following the broadcast, each participant receives one (1) authentic defamation demand letter threatening legal action, autographed by Terry Crouppen of the St. Louis-based Brown & Crouppen Law Firm
  • One (1) late-night phone call from InsideSTL president Tim McKernan, informing each participant the show has been cancelled
  • Infinity (∞) chances to be a radio show host at another St. Louis sports station
  • One (1) replica of the amendments to the U.S. Constitution on parchment, suitable for framing

* In the event Mr. Wacha is unable to play catch, he will still be present for the experience, but Randy Choate will play catch in his place, as he really needs the work. Additionally, the attendee will be allowed to make eye contact with Mr. Wacha no more than five times throughout the entire duration of the experience.

Email: grubb@joesportsfan.com
Twitter: @grubbhub

Tim Duncan And His Hot Girlfriend Take On Charles Barkley For Charity

Charles Barkley says a lot of stuff. Some of it makes sense, some of it not-so-much. Some of my favorite Barkley quotes include:

  • “I can be bought. If they paid me enough, I’d work for the Klan.”
  • “If you go out with a girl and they say she has a great personality, she’s ugly. If they tell you a guy works hard, he can’t play a lick. Same thing.”Screen Shot 2014-05-22 at 12.35.58 PM
  • Asked if he had ever been in the governor’s office in Montgomery, Barkley said no. “They don’t let many black people in the governor’s mansion in Alabama,” he said, “unless they’re cleaning.”
  • And after an Olympic Dream Team victory over Angola, in which they won 116-48, he got into a scrap with a member of Angola’s team towards the end of the game, afterwards he said, ”Somebody hits me, I’m going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn’t eaten in a couple weeks. I thought he was going to pull a spear on me.”

Recently he referred to the “big ol’ women” in San Antonio, adding the city is where “Victoria is definitely a secret,” and being a “gold mine for weight-watchers.” In classic form, he refused to apologize as well. So after crapping on lady San Antonians, the rather chesticular girlfriend of robot Spurs star Tim Duncan’s — Vanessa Macias — decided to make a statement about it and showed up to a home game wearing a t-shirt reading “Barkley Don’t Know.” Apparently now Duncan and Macias decided to up the ante for charity vs. Barkley and are trying to raise $5,000 in “Barkley Don’t Know” t-shirts through TFund with all proceeds will go to Make-a-Wish South & Central Texas. So if you care to support a good cause and tell Barkley that the ladies of San Antonio are fine lookers, you’re welcome to visit TFund and help a sista out.

Rams’ Michael Sam Changing America’s Tune On Discrimination

As a person of Mustached American descent, I have lived a lifetime under a veil of scorn and disdain that continues to target the rugged good looks and laser cocksmanship that typifies the Mustached American experience. mens_vneck_tshirt

Indeed, even today in what is purportedly a more enlightened America, being a minority is in now way easy.

Enter the St. Louis Rams little-known seventh round draft pick out of Missouri. You may be familiar with him. He was the Southeastern Conference’s Co-Defensive Player of the Year.  His name is Michael Sam.

Oh, and as an aside, a little-known fact about Sam besides having a first name for both his first and last name: He is gay.

No, not happy “gay” like the silent film stars of the silver screen in the roaring ’20s. He’s gay “gay.”

Yes, God forbid. A man who likes other men!

Of course, a variety of reactions rolled in after Sam was drafted and seen kissing his boyfriend on camera as the two celebrated one man’s life dream of being drafted into the National Football League. While most were supportive, some could be heard moaning in the rafters. Notably, a foolish strong safety for the Miami Dolphins, Don Jones, scoffed via Twitter after the pick was made and has since been fined and suspended by his employer. Then former Super Bowl champion Derrick Ward was kind enough to tweet, ”I’m sorry but that Michael Sam is no bueno for doing that on national tv….Man U got little kids lookin at the draft. I can’t believe ESPN even allowed that to happen.”

This just in: “no bueno” is not proper Spanish.

Fortunately, however, unlike the way the bigoted clean-shaven masses treated the Mustached American community in the 1980s — publicly shaming our people and forcing us to defecate in Port A Pottys marked “Mustache” — for the most part Sam is being broadly embraced, with the only concern now being that his attention will be too divided to effectively focus on football.

To wit, CafePress is selling apparel reading “Sam I Am. I Am A Ram;” his NFL jerseys are second in sales amongst rookies to only the ass-clown Johnny Manziel; and Opera Winfrey’s worthless television network has even announced they will produce a reality television show about Sam’s hopeful journey into the league.

Is America changing? Will this nation continue to embrace those who have faced discrimination in the past? If Michael Sam is any indication, we can only assume the answer is a resounding “yes” and that American culture is changing its tune of discrimination.

Redskins Marketers One-Up Rams With Saucy Cheerleaders #SELFIE

The St. Louis Rams have been very generous this offseason by offering $100,000 to any fan who could correctly guess the entirety of the team’s 2014 schedule. A tip of the hat indeed to Rams Chief Marketing Officer Brian Killingsworth for the promotion, as well as for his impressive biceps and tight buttocks.

However, the St. Louis football club’s marketing fervor has now been eclipsed by the Washington Redskins in a fit of sexual dynamism that has made us stand and applaud in the JoeSportsFan tower in beautiful downtown Farmington.

Awhile back you may have seen the ridiculous “SELFIE” video by The Chainsmokers, which in essence was a parody with super hot chicks and d-bags taking selfies. That was all well and good, but now the Washington Redskins cheerleaders — or @1stLadiesOfFB as they are known on Twitter — are spoofing #SELFIE and we can’t help but enjoy this one just as much. Once again, super hot chicks again, and ridiculous – purposefully.

JSF Top 7: Things We Learned From the Winter Olympics

So, the Winter Olympics are over, but what did we really learn now that all the hoopla and hullabaloo have finally died down? Thankfully, only seven things. Exactly seven. No more, no less. Which is good because it fits really well into our current format. Presenting JSF’s Top 7: Things We Learned From the Winter Olympics.

1. Sochi: It’s Not That Cold

Apparently, being a subtropical beach holiday destination does not preclude you from hosting the Winter Olympics. Get your sales pitch ready, Myrtle Beach, you could be next.

Temperatures in the 50’s? I expected the cold, bleak Russian winter to be a little colder and a little bleaker than this. That Billy Joel’s full of shit, man.

2. The Opening Ceremonies Just Keep Getting Weirder

Seriously, what the hell was that?  It was like Killer Klowns From Outer Space meets Alice In Wonderland meets Hunger Games meets Super Mario Bros. meets Dark Side of the Moon at the Staerkel Planetarium.  I’m good on nightmare fuel for a while. Thanks, Putin.

3. When in Sochi, Don’t Wash Your Face

A lesson Bob Costas learned the hard way:

costas-pinkeye

Too bad his good friend Tony La Russa didn’t warn him. The former White Sox A’s Cardinals Major League Baseball manager knows the dangers of the Sochi room service hot towel treatment all too well.

tlr-sochi-towel-treatment
4. T.J. Oshie…More Like…T.J. Sochi! Am I Right?? Who’s With Me?

Although I’m not nearly clever enough to come up with that nickname, this guy is. Nevertheless, I do love repeating it ad naseam. Never mind that the U.S. men’s hockey team came up short in its quest for a medal. They beat the Russians in an all-time classic, making Oshie St. Louis’ greatest thing since sliced provel pizza pitchman David Freese.

A St. Louis professional athlete hasn’t received this kind of mass attention since Freese crushed a pitch from Mark Lowe into tomorrow night. Sure, Oshie can handle all the interviews and media requests, he can even ride an eagle. But the real question is, can he sing the “Square Beyond Compare” jingle?

tj-oshie-special

5. Payback Is A Bitch

After listening to the Russians whine about the disallowed goal that helped the Americans get to the shootout that catapulted Oshie to global stardom, I could only think of one thing: “Waaaah, too freaking bad. Why don’t you go invade the Ukraine or something?”

Oh, right. Well, the Ukraine is weak.

Remember how the U.S. men’s basketball team was screwed in 1972, giving the Russians the gold? Me neither! But I’m pretty sure I watched a 30 for 30 or Outside the Lines or whatever on it, which means that damn Chris Connelly probably made me cry.

6. The Russian National Anthem And the Anthem Played During the Closing Credits of “Red Heat” are the Same Song

Who knew? See for yourself.

Begging the question, with so much on the line in terms of national pride, reports of terror threats, and last minute hotel renovations, how did the Soviets – I mean Russians – deal with all the tension and stress of hosting the Winter Olympics?

7. Besides Hockey, Other Dumb Sports Were Played That You Know Damn Good and Well You Would Never Otherwise Watch In a Million, Billion Years

These include various forms of Group Sledding, Ice Shuffleboard, Skiing, and my personal favorite, Skiing While Shooting Things. Also, MTV’s X Games has a signficant presence, which is good for NBC and that highly sought after 15-24 demographic. Cha-ching.

Tatis Twitter Art Gallery Unveils Latest Masterpiece

About a year ago, we introduced you to the Fernando Tatis Twitter Experience. Although it has been around for a while now, the former Cardinal recently unveiled his latest work of art, and despite his immeasurable talents, not everyone is aware of this burgeoning young artist. So this seemed like a good time to revisit the subject, just in case you’re not following him.

tatis-business-casual

Like any great work of art, the piece, which Fernando calls “Business Casual,” could be interpreted any number of ways. The literalists among us might point out that the subject, Tim Tebow, is currently not playing professional football, and in fact has signed on to become an analyst on ESPN’s new SEC Channel, which will obviously require him to wear a suit. And perhaps, when he’s relaxing around the house, Tebow still wears his No. 15 Denver Broncos jersey. There are certainly plenty of those left in circulation.

A more conceptual interpretation might be that the work is a reflection of the artist’s own innermost thoughts and desires. Perhaps the subject is Fernando himself. To the laymen’s eye, the giant cheeseburger heads might denote a heavy influence on the artist by Mayor McCheese. The more experienced Tatis art connoisseur realizes this is yet another expression of his fondness for Wendy’s.

To avoid any confusion, now might be a good time to point out a few things you should know in order to fully appreciate Fernando’s work.

1) Tim Tebow is a constant source of inspiration. Despite the fact that he’s basically been out of football for two years, the former college star continues to stir Fernando’s creative juices.

tatis-tebow-time

During the Broncos 24-17 divisional playoff win over the San Diego Chargers on Jan. 12, Tatis posted this piece just prior to the fourth quarter, seemingly forgetting that “Tebow Time” is no longer a thing.

A few weeks later, with the Broncos down big at the half in the Super Bowl, Fernando had some unconventional advice for Denver head coach John Fox, expressed via this piece of “found art.”

tatis-play-tebow

No such advice was given to his old team during the World Series. Instead, Fernando played it pretty straight.

2) Fernando the artist has a deep-seated affinity for Wendy’s. A characteristic underscored by an unwavering reverence for its founder, the late Dave Thomas, who is the featured drummer in the imaginary band, The Fernando Four.

3) Fernando’s work projects a certain kind of child-like innocence, not dissimilar to that of a Norman Rockwell painting. For parents of young children, it’s important to resist the urge to print it out and stick it on your fridge. Case in point, this piece inspired by the exceedingly harsh winter:

tatis-besafe-in-snow

4) Every once in a while Fernando will step out of his comfort zone of Wendy’s, Tim Tebow, and zoo animals, and dabble in abstract expressionism.

Now, some say the Fernando Tatis Twitter account is fake. But you know, they say the same thing about Jerry Springer and pro wrestling. I ask you, does it really matter? The important thing is that we like watching fat, ignorant rubes pull on each other’s hair in front of a screaming crowd.

If you’d really like a window into Fernando’s mind, he actually offers it up in one of his more famous works.

As a side note, this one has to be is my personal favorite. Leave it to an artist to recognize true beauty.

Stan Kroenke Has HUGE Tracts of Land

No, really.  Kroenke purchased a huge tract of land in L.A. last month (actually a 60-acre parking lot, but yeah).  The NFL wants a team back in Los Angeles.  Kroenke and the Rams want a new stadium, and the lease at the Edward Jones Dome in St. Louis expires after the 2014 season.  Hmmm…

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MLB approves padded hats to make pitchers look silly

In an effort to protect pitchers from line drives to the noggin, MLB has approved the use of specially designed padded hats.  Naturally, use of this high tech protective gear is optional.  So is aesthetic value.  Although “padded hats” may bring to mind images of foam Little League trucker-style hats, fear not good people.  These hats will be much worse.

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ESPN’s Kenny Mayne Takes Up Super Bowl Saturday Fight

Since 2006, I have argued that the Super Bowl should be moved to SATURDAY.  And whether you want the Monday afterward made into a national holiday, which will never happen, or to move the game to Saturday – it just makes sense to move the game from Sunday.

But let’s cut to the chase about why: It’s an argument for alcoholism as on the day that’s essentially become an American national holiday, we drink, eat, we drink more, we digest venison chili, and the next day we really suck at work and just want to recover and talk about what a letdown the game was.

Now ESPN’s Kenny Mayne has jumped into the discussion and taken up the mantle at MoveTheBigGame.com.

“I’ve been reporting on sports for what feels like 56 years and I can say without question that the Super Bowl is every bit as big as the Grey Cup – don’t ever question me,” said Mayne, while wearing a pair of pants. “But having the big game on Sunday is about as relevant as something not relevant. It’s time to move the Super Bowl to Saturday and I’m doing it with the help of CafePress because they care about America because they’re the most Americanized American place on the Internet machine pretty much, well, ever.”

Visit MoveTheBigGame.com and you can find a very funny video (below) of Mayne beating the streets of New York to make his argument, along with a point-by-point outline and links back to CafePress.com merchandise supporting the movement.  Check it out: