Cardinals Summon Supernatural Help for 2012 Playoff Push


After tapping into some natural forces that helped propel them to an all-time improbable postseason run a season ago – most notably the Rally Squirrel and Torty Craig – it’s apparent many Cardinals think they need a little extra boost to duplicate that magical effort this year, leading some to turn to the supernatural for assistance this time around.

For evidence of this, we need look no further than the Cardinals locker room.

Take as our first example, starting pitcher Jake Westbrook, who has adorned his locker with a bright blue tail feather. Clearly, this is an offering to Anzu the Raven God from World of Warcraft. To look at him, you wouldn’t think Westbrook was the multiplayer online role-playing game type. Besides, everybody knows you need a claw to summon Anzu, not feathers. Duh.

Closer Jason Motte on the other hand, has turned to a medieval garden gnome, hoping its special powers will somehow aid the Cardinals down the stretch, or at least get them a better deal on hotels during road trips.

Gnomes are said to be seven times stronger than a man, can run at speeds of 35 miles per hour, and have better sight than a hawk. Unfortunately, they cannot hit a curveball, so the results of summoning gnome powers is invariably mixed.

Rookie Matt Carpenter got his hands on a copy of the Book of the Dead from Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (otherwise known as Necronomicon ex Mortis) and presumably recites a few passages before each game.

So far it’s mostly backfired, releasing and evil force that periodically possesses the body of manager Mike Matheny; an evil force that, while unholy and terrifying, understandably knows very little about the game of baseball.

Starting pitcher Adam Wainwright is going the more traditional route, enlisting the aid of Jesus Christ, as evidenced by the cross in his locker that, so as to avoid any potential confusion, has the name “Jesus” emblazoned on the front.

Based on Wainwright’s last several starts, this might be the best choice of the bunch. Unfortunately, Wainwright will undoubtedly run into other professional athletes enlisting the help of the Jesus, as this sort of thing is fairly commonplace. In which case, the team that ultimately wins the World Series may come down to which millionaire athlete Jesus favors more.

Who knows, maybe Wainwright has a fail-safe, like praying for a rodent to run on the field during a critical, late-season at bat.


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