File Photos: What Were They Thinking? The John Mozeliak Edition


File photos. You know, the pictures that news organizations flash up on the screen during a story, so you know who they’re talking about. Sometimes they’re used during audio-only interviews, as in the following case, where Cardinals GM John Mozeliak was talking about the continued progress of starting pitcher Adam Wainwright.

An interesting pose, Mozeliak seems so at peace, almost euphoric. Not the kind of look you’d expect from a guy with such a visible, high-pressure job.

Modern science tells us that the average human brain can have up to 60,000 thoughts per day. That’s nearly 42 thoughts per minute! Makes you wonder, what was on Mozeliak’s mind at the time of this photo?

For that, we turn to Joe Sports Fan’s team of behavioral psychologists to come up with some theories (with our infinite budget, we’ve got a team of everything on retainer here.)

After studying Mozeliak’s facial expression and other non-verbal cues present in the photo, our team has been able to reconstruct the thoughts they believe were going through Mo’s conscience around the time this photo was taken, starting with:

Okay, our retainer appears to be money well spent. It makes sense that Wainwright would be fresh on his mind. Mozeliak has to be thrilled to finally have his ace back from Tommy John surgery and looking like his old self.

Well, it certainly matches up with the expression on his face. Who doesn’t smile like that when thinking of a dewy meadow filled with cute puppies? After all that time together, seems like some of Tony La Russa’s love (lust?) for animals rubbed off on Mozeliak.

To be fair, a lot of people have had the new Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell at the forefront of their minds lately. Blame a relentless, unyielding media campaign. Coincidentally, Mo’s look was determined to be of pre-Taco Bell origin (i.e. not nearly pained enough.)

Who knew Mozeliak was such a fast food junkie? His svelte figure certainly hides it well. Move over, Morgan Spurlock. Is a “Super Size Mo” movie in the works?

In reality, what St. Louisan hasn’t been enamored with the reigning World Series MVP? For a while there, you couldn’t leave your nuclear fallout shelter without seeing his face plastered everywhere, most recently in GQ Magazine where Freese received a makeover, an article that Mozeliak apparently read and retained.

We have to admit, this last thought came as somewhat of a surprise:

Seems the Cardinals GM has somewhat of a dark side. But not to worry, our team of behavioral psychologists reports this as being fairly normal. Everyone has these types of thoughts, typically they’re held in check by societal norms and/or some sort of code of personal ethics.

Still, Chris Carpenter aside, let’s hope the Cardinals can stay healthy for Mozeliak this year. Expectations sky high, his superstar gone, breaking in a rookie manager…you never know what pressure can do to a guy.


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