Latest Attraction Unveiled at Busch Stadium

10
Apr
2012

Cardinal fans fortunate enough to score a ticket to the Home Opener in St. Louis may notice something new outside Busch Stadium upon their arrival.

Sorry, it’s not a vacant Ballpark Village.  That’s not “new”.  Nor is it a guy playing the saxophone that doesn’t make you want to stab both your ears with an icepick until you’re deaf.

Rather, a new statue has been unveiled on the sidewalks surrounding Busch Stadium, to go along with the existing statues of all-time Cardinal greats.

Yes…Musial, Hornsby, Slaughter, Brock, and now…Noodle.

At first glance, we thought it was a tribute to former Cardinal Mark Mulder’s left arm. Or perhaps it was constructed in honor of Tony La Russa’s sense of humor, which at times resembled that of a wet noodle. Or maybe it was in deference to Mark McGwire. After all, it is freakishly oversized and made from synthetic materials. Turns out, it’s not an interpretive sculpture. It’s really just a giant piece of elbow macaroni made out of fiberglass.

The statue’s name is even less creative:  Big Noodle.  But it can still be considered a piece of authentic American art in the sense that it was created as part of a cheap marketing campaign unleashed on the general public by a giant, heartless multi-conglomerate (Kraft Foods, Inc.) for the sole purpose of increasing sales of a highly processed, cheese-flavored foodstuff. Or have you not heard of Cheeseasaurus Rex?

Unlike Rex though, this thing isn’t even one-of-a-kind. More and more Big Noodles have been popping up all over the country. In fact, another one currently stands outside Wrigley Field in Chicago that’s topped with bacon and emits the scent of fried pork every 10 to 15 minutes on game days – which probably goes well with the smell of urine emanating from the bathrooms under the bleachers.

It’s currently unknown whether or not the St. Louis version of Big Noodle emits its own unique scent, but dear God, if it does, please just don’t let it be Provel.

And as much as common sense would seem to indicate otherwise, passers-by are reminded not to attempt to mount Big Noodle.

Likewise, smokers should not treat Big Noodle as one huge communal ashtray, and South County Hoosiers are encouraged not to drag Big Noodle to Paddy O’s and attempt to use it as a giant beer bong following walk-off home runs.

Personally, I still like the idea of calling it “Big Mac” as opposed to Big Noodle, but I have a feeling a certain redheaded clown and his team of highly-paid lawyers might have something to say about that.

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