Rather than providing readers a traditional, outdated, AP-style recap of a World Series game that everyone watched, we offer up a look back at not only the game, but the fringe elements that make professional sports as enjoyably absurd as its become.
50-word Game Recap
For those who may have awoken from a coma this morning, are unfamiliar with the thousands of ways you can follow a baseball game or just don’t subscribe to Tony Softli’s unmatched Twitter updates, here’s your Game 1 recap in 50 words or less:
LaRussa made some good moves. Chris Carpenter nearly got face-spiked in the 1st inning but was still good enough to shut down the Rangers offense. Berkman and Craig did damage with opposite field hits and the bullpen doesn’t have Trever Miller, Ryan Franklin or Miguel Batista anymore. Cardinals win 3-2.
The puns were actually fairly tame after Game 1. The national media is apparently saving their bullets for when this series gets a little further along. Why waste them in Game 1? It’s like a manager pitching his ace…wait, nevermind.
Upon further inspection it seems to be a rehashing of a commonly used phrase to praise LaRussa’s managerial moves, but given their pun-laden history, at first glance we thought Fox Sports may have just tossed out a snappy line about Tony LaRussa unleashing a hellacious post-game funk in the locker room stalls.
The headline pun can be a double-edged sword, Fox. Use it wisely.
A New “Rally” Animal?
Screw the rally squirrel, we think Tony LaRussa may have his own good luck charm tucked away in his office that he was paying tribute to during the pre-game introductions. And he did so in a manner that we can truly appreciate…with his new hair style:
Maybe Tony LaRussa publicly ditched a look he’s maintained for 30 years as a show of solidarity to ARF’s newest project. We really don’t know, but we’re not shy about speculating.
Just don’t be surprised if you see rally mohawk shirts being peddled around the stadium tonight.
Tim McCarver’s Watching Baseball For Dummies Line of the Night
Without fail, at some point during a World Series game, Tim McCarver will stun you with his simplicity when he begins babbling about certain plays that he thinks need far more explanation that you can take. Granted there may be some token non-baseball fans tuning in just for the spectacle of the World Series, but McCarver treats the broadcast as if he’s standing in front of a kindergarten class reading an introductory guide to the sport of baseball. (Maybe Fredbird is in the booth acting it out as he talks)
Last night the line that seemed so befitting of his style was a quick note about the phenomenon clearly familiar to only hard core fans:
“For those of you who don’t know what ‘pitching around someone’ means…”
And that was obviously followed by a lengthy explanation that spanned all four balls thrown to Nick Punto. Perhaps we’re a bit unforgiving considering we’ve watched baseball our entire lives, but we have to believe that even fringe fans understand what intentionally throwing four pitches out of the strike zone may entail. Even if that wasn’t the case, McCarver could have concluded his class with a quick in-class assignment:
“…then watch this at bat and you’ll see it.”
Too easy for a true analyst.
Fox 2011 Technological Breakthrough
In 2004, they introduced the completely bizarre “crotch cam” that was buried in the dirt two feet in front of home plate. Their research showed that viewers wanted close up shots of the hitter’s inner thighs during an at-bat. It was dumb and they retired it soon after.
In 2006, they broke out a more successful advancement when they included Fox Trax to give a more precise view of how frequently an ump blows a call. It became a staple in baseball broadcasts on Fox and elsewhere, a true enhancement to the viewing experience. Albeit one that was, for some reason, was not included in last night’s broadcast.
This year, they’ve introduced a piece of machinery that gives viewers a glimpse of what a World Series game may look like if you were actually a Predator thanks to the “Fox Hot Spot”.
We can’t wait until a player takes a page from Arnold’s book, and decides to randomly cover himself in mud so the infrared camera struggles to pick up the heat signals when a foul ball drills them in the ankle.
Jersey of the Night
While milling around Busch Stadium as people stood in mile long lines to get inside courtesy of the first lady,
we had our cameras out documenting the always amusing array of jerseys that made an appearance. Our favorite?
If you’re blowing money on a #99 jersey, there’s no reason to ignore the joke that we estimate 65% of Cardinals fans broke out at some point or another during Soooooo Taguchi’s career in St. Louis.
What We’re Looking Forward to Tonight
Confirmation that Nelson Cruz’s perfectly manicured eyebrows are actually enhanced with Farkas eye black. Has to be.