What are the five worst Cardinals jerseys that you can wear?
We’ve observed a cornucopia of offensive jerseys in our history of fan hunting.
Undoubtedly, at the top of the crudeness hierarchy are the creative hybrids; HOOKER, HO, PUJOLS #69 and the LA RUSSA #.093 jerseys come to mind. You know, the ones that make you feel like you need to take a shower by just sitting in the same section.
Nevertheless, there exists some legit, genuinely-obscure jerseys in Cardinals Nation. After all, St. Louisans enjoy falling in love with random players for no apparent reason at all. But not all randomness is good randomness. Amidst the Bo Hart and Tito Landrum jerseys are some real black stains in Cardinals Nation.
Here are the top five most-offensive real personalized jerseys that fans can wear:
5.) JD Drew
Frankly, there’s not much that needs to be said, here. JD Drew was like a bad case of herpes. Lingering, unsatisfactory and increasingly annoying.
For every scrappy ballplayer that St. Louis embraced over the last ten years, there was another apathetic JD Drew injury. Most Cardinals fans didn’t care if he moved to another team, collected five MVP trophies and was voted President of the United States. They just wanted him gone. Thankfully, that day came in 2003, when he was shipped to Atlanta in a package that included Adam Wainwright.
4.) Jason Marquis
Jason Marquis’ tenure in St. Louis was a lot like JD Drew’s. Except, it’s wrongful to compare Marquis to herpes because herpes comes and goes. Unlike Drew, Marquis never got hurt. He was just consistently atrocious.
A collective sigh of relief came in 2007, when Marquis signed with the Cubs. He was despised in Chicago immediately for taking #21, the number worn by Sammy Sosa. Loathing Jason Marquis is the one thing that the disparate Chicago and St. Louis fan bases have agreed upon in the past 20 years.
Yet, somehow a loyal fan remains in St. Louis. Actually, that might be Jason Marquis.
3.) Mark Mulder
We’ve poked fun at the infamous Mark Mulder jersey on display at Lambert Airport ad nauseam. You see, it’s funny because no Cardinals fan in their right mind would actively purchase a Mark Mulder jersey. After all, he collected over $25 million from the Cardinals, despite an average of five wins per season and a 5.50 ERA over four years in St. Louis.
On top of that, the Cardinals traded away Dan Haren and Daric Barton to get him.
But this didn’t stop one fan at Spring Training in 2011 from sporting his threads. Extremely odd.
2.) Tino Martinez
Perhaps Tino Martinez’s suckitude was a product of his environment. After all, he existed between Mark McGwire and Albert Pujols. And Pujols’ dynasty at 1B began when the Cardinals traded Tino Martinez to the Tampa (Bay) (Devil) Rays for some guy named “Evan Rust”.
Martinez was iconified in New York after several clutch performances in the World Series, but his underachievement and $7,000,000 per season contract were not appreciated in the Gateway City.
Perhaps it’s fate that rain follows around this dedicated Martinez diehard.
1.) Garry Templeton
Every man, woman, child and animal in St. Louis loves Whitey Herzog. It’s a fact. The only two things across history to engage in conflict with Whitey are battery-powered hair clippers and Garry Templeton. For that reason, he tops our list.
After giving the middle finger to the St. Louis fan base, who loves just about everyone (except those located on this list, of course), Templeton was traded for eventual Hall of Famer, Ozzie Smith. The trade did nothing but decrement Templeton’s status in St. Louis, as if it could digress any lower.
To accentuate matters, the Cardinals won the ’82 World Series, one year after riding themselves of Templeton. Yet, somehow the clown above finds value in honoring his tenure with the Cardinals. Extremely baffling.