The Cardinals May Need a Mullet to Excel in the National League
Note to Mike Matheny and his St. Louis Cardinals pitching staff: unlike data about the inherent power of the mustache in baseball and other sports, there is no scientific information regarding the influence of the Mullet in athletic competition.
The Established: Beginning just his fifth season in MLB, Dwarfism sufferer and San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum has embraced a Mississippi Waterfall-style Mullet through most of his career and is already a World Series champion, three-time strikeout leader, square dancing aficionado and four-time all-star with 69 wins under his belt.
The Blossoming: The 2011 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year and last season’s NL leader in saves (46), Canadian-born and Mullet-loving pitcher John Axord of the Milwaukee Brewers is becoming a force to be reckoned with. In 2011 he was second in the NL in games finished (63), pitching in 73.2 IP with 86 strikeouts and 59 hits while going 2–2 with a 1.95 ERA. Perhaps of greatest importance, Axford was also the first Brewers pitcher since Mustached American legend Rollie Fingers to be a league leader in saves.
The Rising: First coming to prominence as a wide receiver on one of many worthless Notre Dame football teams, Chicago Cubs pitcher Jeff Samardzija has slowly proceeded from future star in waiting, to middle reliever, to typical Cubs disappointment, to middle reliever, to good looking Mustached American, to certified burgeoning major league starter after plowing through the Washington Nationals on Sunday — going eight-plus innings, giving up just one run, and striking out eight batters. Indeed, things are looking up for Samardzija and his mammoth Mullet.
Matheny and his Cardinals hurlers should take heed, and consider losing the short locks and embracing the Mullet if the team is to ride the arms of the pitching staff to make up for the loss of Albert Pujols as the Redbirds hope to repeat their World Series championship of 2011.