The Frank Haith Saga: A Jayhawk in Sheep’s Clothing

It took only a few short days for Mizzou fans to start recognizing that the enemy in the Frank Haith investigation looked very familiar.

Over the last 24 hours, what was rumored to be a substantial notice of allegations against Haith during his time at Miami, has been flipped on its head when the NCAA came out and publicly acknowledged how bad they had bungled their investigation of the University of Miami athletic programs.   So badly in fact that they have put the Miami case on hold and are rolling out an investigation of their own NCAA Enforcement Program.

Who was leading said Miami investigation you ask?  We’ll let this little nugget explain…

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Ok sure, the lead investigator was Abigail Grantstein who was also the girl who was fired from her job after her meathead boyfriend started spouting off on an airplane about why Shabazz Muhammed would never play for UCLA (he is, by the way). But why is Abigail an enemy of Mizzou?

One look at her LinkedIn profile and we had our answer…

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Having spent time working in a straight and narrow institution such as the KU athletic department while earning her KU law degree, there is no doubt that Ms. Grantstein had a sinister smile creep across her face when the file labeled “Frank Haith” was dropped on her desk.

The two teams may never play basketball again, but she had the power to kick Mizzou in the junk once more for old times sake and she wasn’t about to let that opportunity go to waste.

Oh sure, we recognize that it’s a substantial leap of faith to presume that an NCAA investigator was petty enough to veer way outside of her procedural limitations all in a desperate effort to throw the book at a man simply because is affiliated with her arch rival. But if the NCAA Enforcement Program has taught us anything over the years, it’s that using scant – and sometimes illegally obtained – evidence to draw wild, sweeping conclusions despite the inability to prove any of it…well, that’s completely acceptable when it comes to college sports.

The only thing that we don’t understand is how she got the job at the NCAA when she showed up to her interview dressed like this.

St. Louis Teams Joining the Twitter #Boobment

With 2013 only one month old, we’ve already seen the first of what promises to be many social media phenomenons go mainstream and sweep across the nation.  Just like Facebook originated on college campuses, so too has what’s now known as the #Boobment on Twitter.

If you are not familiar, the concept isn’t hard to grasp – college women put on their school licensed apparel, take a picture of their strategically-covered-so-as-not-to-be-explicit jugs in said apparel and send it to the associated Twitter account to be posted anonymously.  In other words, it’s the perfect concoction for college sports meatheads fans.

Per the recent Huffington Post article, the #boobment was born during the Mizzou-Kansas basketball classic at Allen Fieldhouse last year when a female fan tweeted a photo of her wearing a Jayhawks shirt prominently featuring her school spirit (read: cleavage) under the hashtag #KUBoobs.  Other female KU fans followed suit and the trend was formalized with the creation of the Twitter account @KUboobs, believed by most to be the George Washington of college boob-centric Twitter feeds.

As one would expect, not long after @KUboobs exploded, Mizzou countered with their own version – @MizzouBoobs1 – and promptly engaged in some competitive banter with their arch rivals.   Hell, even local private Jesuit schools have gotten in on the action.

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As the movement has swelled on college campuses it has now begun to spill over into the professional sports landscape.  Within days after the media exposed this booming trend, pioneer fans of two St. Louis sports franchises set out to strategically attack the ballooning market.

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While the Cardinals remain the undisputed leader in the STL sports hierarchy, their social media boobprint has yet to take hold while their hockey counterpart piggybacked on the NHL season opener to rack up almost a thousand followers before they ever sent out a tweet.   While the photos haven’t started overflowing the inbox for either, the seeds have been planted.

We don’t know how large this trend will grow across the country, but what we do know is that as long as male sports fans remain on Twitter, there will be an audience supporting the #boobment.

In other words, what the hell is taking you so long, St. Louis Rams…

Cody Ellis’ Real-Life Girlfriend Responsible for Hairdo Featuring Blue Racing Stripe

Last week we reported on Illinois head coach John Groce’s successful hairdo, or lack thereof. In keeping with the same theme, we’d like to spotlight St. Louis University senior forward Cody Ellis, who has the 12-4 Billikens on a streak of his own this season – a blue streak to be exact.

Recently, Ellis appeared on a local television broadcast to show off the new ‘do, which he has been sporting since late last summer.

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Ellis claimed his girlfriend was the one that actually performed the dye job – his real girlfriend, not a fake one that he’s only met online and may or may not have had long meaningful phone conversations with. Or at least, that’s what JSF’s team of private investigators is attempting to determine.

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Reportedly, the blue streak has been well received by SLU students and fans alike, not to mention Amazon downloads of the movie Blue Streak – a 1999 action comedy starring Martin Lawrence – have risen by two percent from their previous high of zero.

However, no mentions have been made of the Mohawk/mullet hybrid on stltoday.com’s SLU Talk message board by djj87, the user responsible for 98% of the posts in that forum.

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By the way, phrase “SLU Talk” is but a spacebar press away from “SLUTalk.” Just thought I’d point that out.

While definitely a bold statement, historically speaking Ellis is not alone in his endeavor. The hair-dying ventures of past St. Louis sports stars have met with mixed success.

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Scott Spiezio colored his soul patch a mighty Cardinal red, and rode its holistic powers to a World Series championship in 2006. But then, he also formed the band Sandfrog. Not to mention the incident in which he got blasted, crashed his car, fled on foot to his friend’s condo, vomited in his friend’s condo, and then beat the ever-living crap out of his friend for having the audacity to object to his condo being vomited in.

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1979 Co-MVP Keith Hernandez has spent the better part of the last decade playing a fake sportscaster. He’s also starred in like, a million Just For Men commercials, as a man obsessed with helping vain older dudes with Peter Pan complexes become better cradle-robbers, not to mention ex-jocks who just can’t seem to bag as many groupies as they once could in their prime. It looks so natural, no one can tell – except for anyone who’s seen you in the past seven years.

The Career of John Groce: A Tale of Triumph and Male-Pattern Baldness

Illinois head coach John Groce spent much of his early coaching career ascending through the collegiate ranks with current Ohio State head coach Thad Matta. As such, viewers who tuned in to Saturday’s intra-conference clash between the Fighting Illini and the Buckeyes were treated to a brief pictorial history of Groce that could have doubled as a testimonial in a Hans Weimann commercial.

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After stints at Taylor University and North Carolina State, Groce joined his good friend Matta for just one brief year at Butler, during the 2000-01 season. Groce still has nice coverage, albeit nothing compared to the helmet of hair on the right.

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A couple of years later, Groce served as an assistant to Matta at Xaiver. At this point in 2003, his boyish appearance still makes him look more like an acolyte than a basketball coach.

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Then in 2005, Groce made the jump to Ohio State. Finally at a big-time program, the enemy’s advancement really starts becoming noticeable. Judging in this picture, it takes the strange form of a reverse Mohawk down the center of his head. Kind of like Manny Fraker from Death Wish 3 – an obscure reference to be sure, but I’m standing by it. If for no other reason than they both do a lot of winning.

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Later in his tenure at Ohio State, the white flag is waived and we see the first appearance of the close-shaven look, otherwise known as the Michael Stipe. However, rather than let this drag him into a downward spiral, an undeterred Groce landed his first head-coaching gig at Ohio University, and after four successful seasons, his own job in the notorious B1G at Illinois.

So it seems that as the hair follicles fell away, the career conversely ascended. With Groce’s Illini off to an unexpected 14-2 start and a No. 12 national ranking, another amazing thing has happened. Twenty year-olds everywhere across the Land of Lincoln can’t wait to look like a middle-aged bald man.

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All in due time. While Groce himself can’t get any balder now, hopefully that doesn’t mean an end to his success. Anyway, it’s a lot better than the alternative.

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