I can picture the scene in the locker room now.  The team barber has set up shop to give the players the custom trim their celebrity demands.  For most players, when the barber leans over and asks them how they want their sideburns, the answer is “just the usual”. 

But for a special few, the question takes on a little more meaning.  It allows them to stare down society and scream “just what the hell do you think you’re looking at, bro?”  They respond with one word that sends the normally steady hand of the barber into trembles.  Their response speaks volumes.  How do they want their sideburns? 

Gone. 

The Negative Sideburn is a phenomenon that we first mentioned on JSF over two years ago, long after it had been unleashed on the world.  NegBurns are created when someone has the stones to spit at convention and shave theirs a notch or two above the sideburn equator.

While the standard mulletsapien is the world’s largest purveyor of the species, the professional sports world has pitched in with an expanding array of negativos.  Allow us to be your tour guide through the spectacular world of Sports NegBurns

KC Meathead Negs
When you spend the majority of your time trading haymakers with 300-pound offensive lineman, you can’t be worrying about whether or not your burns are the same length.  That kind of thinking will get you pancaked faster than you can say “sideburns are for pansies”. 

Remember the story of how Ronnie Lott cut off a portion of his pinky so he could get back into a football game?  Well, a legion of Kansas City Chiefs meathead lineman past and present have done the same thing, only they sacrificed something way more valuable than their pinky - they sacrificed their sideburns.  Kansas City is full of meatheaded men who didn’t have any use for hair below the ear line.

Jared Allen is one of those men.  He’s one step shy of clinically insane, and the QB he just assaulted knows it.  Bill Maas was one of those men.  You probably think that when he got arrested earlier this year in the KC airport it was really for carrying a loaded gun like it was reported.  Don’t be so gullible. Let’s just say that for the sake of “national security”, the FBI knows they can’t have too many current or former Chiefs d-lineman running around without sideburns in this country. 

     

Jheri Negs
Most people assume that when a Major League Baseball player commits to a jheri curl, they have no choice but to let it drape over their ears in some capacity.  Guys like Eddie Murray and Gary Carter may not have had the discipline to prevent that from happening, but Pascual Perez sure did.  He may not have known where his next pitch was headed or even where the hell he was 95% of the time but he was always acutely aware of the distance between his last heavily lubricated hair follicle and his ear line. 

Though they are extremely rare, Perez’s existence is scientific proof that Jheri Negs are, in fact, very real.  Not to mention stunning. 



WWF Negs
When a grown man is standing in front of you wearing bumblebee-themed speedos and matching wristbands and all you can pay attention to is the fact that his burns are perfectly in line with the commencement of his permed mullet, then you’re probably face-to-face with WWF Negs.

Say what you will about their sport, but no group was as proficient in piecing together the perfect ensemble of accessories to compliment their lack of sideburnage. 



21st Century Negs
To those who scoff at the sight and write them off as nothing more than a relic in any ever-changing world of hair fashion, bite your tongue.  While it’s true the Wild North American NegBurn is a species that is dangerously close to the endangered list, there are those who are fearlessly leading the breed into a world that is filled with lambchops, pencil-thin chin strap beards and a host of other facial hair abusers. 

Carlos Beltran should be lauded as a hero.  His two inches of cleanly shaved temple shall serve as a shining beacon of hope in a dark, dark world. 



Bleacher Negs
You don’t have to be a millionaire athlete to join in the fun.  This fraternity's credo is that, so long as they’re negative, you should treat your neighbor’s sideburns with the same respect you would want for your own. 

So you don’t have the money to hire Carlos Beltran’s supremely talented stylist?  Drive up to Walgreens, spend $2 on a bag of Wilkinson Swords and go to town.  Spend the rest of the money on a bleacher seat to the game so 35,000 soon-to-be jealous fans can see your creation.  



Genius Negs
It’s been said that the single greatest measure of a man’s intelligence is not an IQ test, rather the length of his sideburn.  Just ask coaching super genius, Charlie Weis. 



Dennis Franchione knows which direction he's going.



JSF Weekly is written by Josh Bacott.  He wrote this entire column wearing bumblebee speedos and matching wristbands.  E-mail him at josh@joesportsfan.com