Dear ESPN, 

I know we’ve had our differences but I’m asking for temporary dispensation.  Last week, I CHOSE to leave the company that employed me for 12 years because my brand transcends all other sports and entertainment landscapes.   However, after learning the news that Brett Favre is retiring, I want another crack at it and I’m willing to give you a second chance.  

I’m asking for the opportunity to sign a 2-day contract so as to appear on NFL Live and SportsCenter to pontificate my unconditional love and gratitude for Brett Favre.  Nobody at the company knows Brett like I do.  I know his wife, Deanna, and his kids – I love ‘em like they’re my own!  I will say this: Brett Favre KNOWS HOW TO RAISE CHILDREN!  

For those of us who know Brett, the way he went about his business… this isn’t just a good quarterback, but the all time best player at his position! Yeah, you’ve got your Montanas and Bradys and Bart Starr who, I think, is still the most gifted quarterback in Packers’ history, but Brett Favre is the most popular player in the league and he deserves the proper send off from the “WorldWide Leader in Sports!”



So bring back the Human Ratings Spike to proclaim the goodness that is #4!  You think Floyd Reese and that nimrod Bayless can effectively surmise the greatest career of all time?  UH UH!  

PLEASE!

Salisbury is willing to donate his services.  Make it happen!

Salisbury, #12.

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth
"(Alge Crumpler) has 63 touchdown catches over seven seasons, all with the Falcons, who cut him last month." - Jim Wyatt, Tennessean

That would average out to 9 TDs per season - Crumpler has never totaled more than 8 touchdowns in a season.  Safe to say his 35 career touchdowns don't equal out to 63.
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"When ESPN's Baseball Tonight returns March 18, so will analyst Fernando Vina, despite being named in the Mitchell Report and, subsequently, admitting to taking human growth hormone." - Michael Heistand, USA Today

We’re just as surprised as Heistand that Vina returned, but having used HGH as a player isn’t the reason; saying nothing, nervously rambling and talking out of his hiney are our main reasons.
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“(Ric Flair is) an icon in this business.  Nowadays the word icon is thrown around like an egg-white omelet is thrown around. But he definitely is an icon.” - The Rock

Sure we get what the Rock means, but it’s way funnier when we picture him heaving egg white omelets all over the set of his next movie.  

ABC Employs Jeff Van Gundy’s Ipod for NBA Telecasts
The combination of songs used to get in and out of commercial breaks during an NBA game never cease to amaze us.  This past Sunday was no exception as the Lakers hosted the Mavericks in what turned into an overtime Lakers victory.  Not including the pregame and overtime festivities, the following songs made an appearance: 

"Livin on a Prayer" - Bon Jovi

"California Dreamin'" - The Mamas and the Papas

"Start Me Up" - The Rolling Stones

A song we couldn't identify by an artist we couldn't identify

A folk song we couldn't identify by a folk artist we couldn't identify

"Hotel California" - The Eagles

"Thriller" - Michael Jackson

"Low Rider" - War

"I Love L.A." - Randy Newman (yes, we had to look up the singer, but a damn good song thanks to The Naked Gun)

Needless to say, Bon Jovi has much more work to do.

It's the First Saturday in March, and that Means...
The first day of March is always a momentous day in the world of sports.  Not only is the worst period on the sports calendar symbolically “over”, but NFL Free agency is in full bloom, NCAA basketball picks up the intensity and Spring Training games commence.  That’s why even we were caught off guard when we hit the main page of the WorldWide Leader Saturday afternoon and saw this…



A feature story on the future of Notre Dame football.  Quite obsessive even by ESPN’s standards, considering the Irish lost 10 9 games last season.  But who wants to talk about Spring Training, college basketball and NFL Free agency when they can stare at a leprechaun?

The end of another Media Circus era
We figured that once Brett Favre retired (that is, if he’s retired and we have serious doubts about whether this is for real), the media would go nuts.  But even after documenting – in exhaustive fashion – the media’s love for Brett Favre over the past five years, we had no idea what we were in for.  

Before we dive in, let's listen to Deanna Favre recite the "Our Favre" poem, which made its debut this past fall on Monday Night Football. 

**Listen to the "Our Favre" poem**

And for shits and grins, let's listen to the voice message Favre left on Chris Mortensen's cell phone. 

**Listen to Favre's message to Chris Mortensen**

After following the coverage Tuesday - 12 hours to be exact - it is truly stunning how passionately in love the media is with #4.  Here is a sampling of what we saw/read/heard today…

“How many times have you cried today?” – Adam Schefter, NFL Network
 
For the record, none of us cried the day Brett Favre retired.
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”Brett Favre had more fun playing football than arguably anybody else ever did.” – Trey Wingo
 
Per the NFLPA Fun rankings, that is.  
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”Guys years from now, what would you say (to a kid who never saw Brett Favre play) to explain to him what made Favre so great?” – Trey Wingo
 
”Number one, he transcends generations.  He transcends the game.  I would say he is the most beloved football player of any generation.  To those kids, I would say go back, study your history and look at some film and watch the way this guy played the game with a childlike enthusiasm like there was nothing he couldn’t do.” – Mark Schlereth

**Listen to Schlereth fawn over Favre**
 
”What about you, Floyd?” – Trey Wingo
 
”You know, this is almost emotional for me, I mean, this is strange, but I think when you watch Brett play for all those years, what you thought as a player, ‘I wish I could play like Brett’.  When I was coaching, ‘I wanted to coach players just like Brett’.  When I was a GM, ‘I wanted to sign players just like Brett’.  You watched him year after year go out there and perform against all forms of adversity.  You go through what he went through with his father and with teammates. A special, special guy.” – Floyd Reese

**Listen to Floyd Reese make a fool of himself**
 
”For Mark Schlereth and Floyd Reese, I’m Trey Wingo.  Thank you, Brett, for everything.”
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“Always played hurt, never missed a start.  He was… at least a little bit, Super Man without Kryptonite.” – Jay Crawford

”America came to view (Brett Favre) as a folk hero.  We’re in troubled times in sports.” – Jay Mariotti

And we’re in even bigger trouble now.  Quick; someone find a new folk hero.
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”If (the Packers) had said ‘we’re going to get you help at wide receiver’, we’re going to get another offensive tackle like (Alan) Faneca’, if they had gotten a couple of defensive players… I totally (blame the Packers).” – Woody Paige

Yes, it’s the Packers fault Brett Favre is tired and isn’t willing to handle the pressures that come with attempting to win a Super Bowl.

Wait, it gets even worse
You probably assumed that the award for most emotional and passionate Favre column would come from Peter King.  Pete did his best by regurgitating his “favorite Favre story” but he had some competition this time.  The title of Wright Thompson’s column on ESPN.com says it all  – “Brett, we miss you already”.  



Here are the things Thompson will miss about Favre in order of ridiculousness as judged by us:

5.) “turning Southern traits into something positive…Brett Favre is a farm and I think, deep down, we all miss our agrarian roots” 

We don’t miss our agrarian roots at all.   

4. ) “the television folks calling him a gunslinger” 

Oh they’ll still call him a gunslinger, it will just be in the reference to him they shoe horn into the broadcast every time Aaron Rodgers drops back to pass.

3.) “the picks…he wanted to win so badly he was willing to lose.”

If only all players could be lauded for their loads of mistakes on the field.  We remember when he threw six picks versus the Rams in the 2001 playoffs.  Apparently, he wanted to win reallllyyy badly that day.  

2.) “the pills, the drinking and the stories about rehab…in his imperfections lay his humanity” 

It’s amusing to read lines like this and think about the hundreds of other NFL players who have had issues with drugs, alcohol or other missteps.  It sure seems like none of their imperfections were viewed as simple demonstrations of their humanity.  

1.) “the fart jokes”

Wright Thompson is going to miss fart jokes about Brett Favre.  We seriously have no clue how to respond to this, we just know that Favre’s farts probably smell like fresh baked chocolate chip cookies.  

The Perfect Favre Ending
Let's now send it over to Brett Favre's agent Buss Cook.  Bus, what have you got for us?

"I know he wants to play one more year. I do not know much conversation there was (between Favre and the Packers) and I don't think anyone forced him to make that decision. But I don't know that anyone tried to talk him out of it... I think he wanted to play. I think he's still got it. He knows he's still got it. I think he felt he could play one more year. I don't know if they told him they really wanted him to play. That's just the feeling I got."



The Media Circus is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.  They're announcing their retirement today - but will return next Wednesday ready to go.  Email them at info@joesportsfan.com.