Dear A.C. Slater,

at Bayside, you were the one man to give Zack Morris a run for his money as the king of the castle.  What you lacked in smarts and cunning, you made up for with brute strength and athletic achievement.  You took the wrestling and football teams by storm while Zack was relegated to running for the track team and hanging out with an elderly Indian chief. 

And even though you scored the lowest SAT scores out of the Gang, you were still smart enough to evade most of Zack’s schemes.  All told, you probably should have been the star at Bayside.  You had the body, the athletic accolades and a prize winning jheri-curl mullet combination rivaled by nobody in principal Dick Belding’s school. 

Even so, I’ve concluded you're a sissified pansy.  It has nothing to do with Mario Lopez’s acting career - though any time one hosts ESPN Hollywood, enforces the law as a bike-riding cop on Pacific Blue and plays Greg Louganis in a made for TV movie, it’s bound to count as a black mark.  Your pansiness has everything to do with your inconsistencies.  Looking back, I think you'll agree with me that you were all style and no substance.

The evidence (in no particular order)…

Full Name: Albert Clifford Slater
If my name was Albert Clifford, I’d do everything in my power to legally change it.  It doesn’t matter if your dad is a strict military officer – no self respecting person allows themselves to be recognized at Albert Clifford.  The only cool Clifford in the history of mankind is a big red dog.  Cliff?  Sure.  Al?  Okay.  Albert Clifford?  No way Jose.  Grow some pears and tell Major Slater you’re changing your name.

Needed a funeral to say good bye to your pet lizard Artie
Seriously?  A pet lizard was your best friend and you’re rendered depressed when he dies?  When most kids were playing with their hamsters and guinea pigs in the late 80s and early 90s, you were petting your lizard (not figuratively).  I got news for you, Slater; you can find a lizard at any body of water or bed of shrubbery in the neighborhood.  At the very least, you could have chosen a box turtle and it would have survived the entire series.        

Temporarily quitting wrestling so you can bake cakes
Do I even need to go further?

Z Cavaricci jeans are not a fashion plate, A.C.
Your jeans made Zack Morris’ cell phone and white Converse high tops look awesome by comparison.  And every time you’re wearing them, you seem to be sporting a pastel wife-beater.  You made pink tanktops and Z Cavaricci jeans acceptable in high schools across America when you could have been wearing Jams.  Hell, even the sweat-shorts would have looked better.  I don’t know if disaster jeans were commonplace at American military bases across the world, but if they were, you could have embraced the warm weather of California and opted for shorts.

How much you lifting there, Nancy?
For a ‘muscle-bound jock’, you never show too much strength.  Even in the opening credits when you’re doing standard dumbbell curls, you’ve got what looks to be no more than 20 pounds.  Where's the gun show? Definitely not in the locker room.

Kissing Screech Isn’t Cool
At the senior year masquerade ball, you got duped by Tori into thinking she was dressed as Gumby.  After a nice slow dance, you (in your astronaut costume) and Gumby made out, only to realize Gumby was in fact Screech.  I can’t decide which of you secretly liked it more.  Then a year later in college, you tried to appease your girlfriend Alex by dressing as Peter Pan after she decided to go as Tinker Bell.  You could have dressed as Captain Hook or Mr. Smee, but you chose to dress in green tights.  You liked wearing tights, didn’t you A.C.?

Wearing Red tights for Casey Kasem isn’t cool, either
Donning red tights for Dance Party was pretty gay, A.C.  Only Mr. Perfect can get away with that style of clothing, and no way would he wear straight red with glittery silver.  And you got to dance with Kelly Kapowski – someone most men would be willing to dance their life away for - and yet, you still lost.  Not only did you lose, you lost to Screech (sporting the Jams and suspenders, no less) and Lisa, who had a sprained ankle. 

For someone as talented a dancer and as open to wearing red tights, you sure did drop the ball, here, A.C.   

Dressing as a ballerina represents more than just a trend – it’s flaming... er, womanly.
The one time you rip off your clothes for Jesse Spano, you do it to display your full body unitard.  At least this one wasn’t red or pink, but Jesus; don’t claim to be an “all-city” athlete if you’re dancing in tights to win back your girlfriend.  Enjoy skipping that Raiders game. (Clip starts 30 seconds in). 

Upset of the Century
When you spent your summer with Leon Carosi at the Malibu Sands Beach Club, you found yourself competing in the July 4th competition against club members.  Since Lisa Turtle never worked and was rich, she performed against you in the obstacle course – and defeated you soundly.  I’ll defer to JSF colleague Matt Sebek for analysis:

“The loss at Malibu Sands was like Michigan losing to Appalachian State.  Slater’s athletic prowess was hyped for 5 seasons...and he loses to Lisa Turtle on the big stage?  Come on.”

You suck, A.C.

Not Army Tough
Your dad would have disowned you if he knew your team lost to Zack’s team in the ROTC athletic competition.  You had the athletes and jocks while Zack was stuck with Screech, Lisa, Alan the fat kid and Louise.  And yet, somehow, you let your team lose to Preppy.  Some athlete.   

Using Buddy Bands to make Friends
Did you use the Buddy Bands to make friends with your lizard Artie, too?  That would have been a mistake because the chameleon-changed colors would have been offset by the vibrant neon/pastel B. Bands.   

Are those the only dance moves you got?  They seem to be the artillery in your dancing repertoire.  Crappy dancing + Z Cavaricci Jeans + pastel tanktops + Buddy Bands = Bayside’s biggest douche.  I’m disappointed in you, Albert Clifford.  You could have been so much more.