Hulk Hogan to Star in Another Shitty Movie

Posted by Patrick Imig, March 18, 2008

Get your tickets early for this one, folks: the Hulkster is starring in Stereo Vision's soon-to-be-produced "Kung Fu U 3D".

"I'm very happy to report that Hulk Hogan has agreed to star in our martial arts comedy, Kung Fu U 3D. Along with his enormous worldwide following of Hulkamaniacs, he has the hottest reality show on television right now with American Gladiators, and we're thrilled to have him bringing all of that energy and enthusiasm to our Kung Fu U 3D project. Stereo Vision's Chairman, Doug Schwartz, has worked with Hulk Hogan on several feature films in the past including Assault on Devils Island, Shadow Warriors, and their big hit together, Thunder in Paradise." Jack Honour, Stereo Vision CEO

Hold up; let's backtrack. Thunder in Paradise was a "big hit"? I could swear it was cancelled after one year and then re-run on TNT. I could also swear they drove around in a high tech boat named "Thunder". And lest I forget the awesomenosity, originality and downright hilariaism of Suburban Commando, Mr. Nanny, Santa w/ Muscles, and 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain. All full length feature films and all embarrassingly awful. Also, Hogan has very little to do with the success of American Gladiators and more to do with being the host who spews cheesy horrible jokes that make viewers want to poke their eyeballs out (at least, that's what someone told me).

It should be noted that the Chairman of Stereo Vision, Doug Schwartz, is the creator of Baywatch, and Thunder in Paradise, so clearly he knows good acting when he sees it. He summarizes Kung Fu U 3D thusly:

"Kung Fu U 3D is the story of a bunch of nerds and misfits that are sent away by their wealthy parents to the Brentwood Academy, (a.k.a. Kung Fu U) to learn the finer arts of self defense. It's a heart warming romp where the somewhat weathered warriors come to the rescue for the kids, and in turn, the kids rescue the warriors' souls from what had been their eternal apathy. It's a feel-good story that reminds us that we're all the same, no matter what our age, and that we should all stick together. We plan to release Kung Fu U 3D by Spring of '09."

Hold up; let's backtrack. It's a "heartwarming romp"? What the hell kind of Hogan film is this? Sure, he's probably whoring out for money more than normal with that nasty divorce on his hands, but society does not yearn for a heartwarming romp with the Hulkster and a bunch of nerds and misfits.

Soooo Whatcha Gonna Do, Brothers!?!?!? When the the largest arms in the world grab all the prepubescent nerds and have a sex romp IN FRONT OF YOU!!!

Read More: WWE/Wrestling

Johnny LaRue, March 20, 2008 05:03 AM

YES! Unfortunately, the Canadian Copyright apparently ran out on that...surely, there HAVE to be some cameo appearances by Levy and Joe Flaherty (hopefully sporting the excellent Fu Manchu mustache he had in the "original").

Ric Flair, March 18, 2008 08:03 PM

Wasn't Kung Fu U the name of the flick Eugene Levy showed during the brilliant John Candy vehicle Going Berserk?

JJDJ, March 18, 2008 04:03 PM

Hogan claims that he missed his agents call about the grill and Foreman snagged it before he could. So instead they came out with his very own blender called the "Thunderizer". I have been searching ebay for years looking for one. No luck. That and a piece of the Agro-Crag from Guts. Now that is good as gold!

Jake Bullet, March 18, 2008 11:03 AM

A teenee weiner...and another.

sebben, March 18, 2008 09:03 AM

I watched No Holds Barred back in college when it was on WGN one night. I hadn't seen it since it came out 10 years earlier. My roommate and I pretty muched laughed hysterically throughout the whole film. So, I'd say that I enjoyed it for different reasons when I saw it in college.

Mr. Irrelevant , March 18, 2008 08:03 AM

I heard about that Grill stuff too. He has to be lying because didnt he make his own "ultimate grill" that didn't sell anything.

Patrick, March 18, 2008 07:03 AM

Hulk claims that the George Foreman Grill was originally intended to be the Hulk Hogan Grill, but he turned it down. I have a hard time believing that. Also, I left No Holds Barred out of the piece because I too enjoyed that one - though I'm sure if I watched it post-1st grade, I'd probably think differently.

Mr, Irrelevant, March 18, 2008 07:03 AM

Hey the Hulkster's 3 ninja's movie was awesome wasn't that the one where he wore a hair piece. No Holds Barred was awesome too I havent seen since I was 5 years old and dont remember most if not all of it, but any movie with the Hulkster facing off against Debo " Tiny "Zeus" Lister" has to be a great movie.

bk, March 18, 2008 07:03 AM

The man has his own grill, namely because "the Hulk can't live off paninis alone."

Linda Hogan, March 18, 2008 06:03 AM

Cha-Ching!!