"This is strange; I'm getting emotional and chilled just thinking about the temporary return of the Monday Football Column.  There is a thrill tingling up my inner thigh" - Floyd Reese 

Michael Vick Terrified to Line Up in the I-Formation
While serving his 23 month sentence in a Leavenworth, Kansas prison, Michael Vick has kept busy by washing pots and pans at the gaudy rate of .12 cents an hour.  He’s also been playing some football – quarterback even. 

"He is staying in shape.  Apparently, there was a prison football team and he played quarterback for both sides.” – Arthur Blank

I have mixed emotions about this, and I think it’s because I’m concerned for Vick’s well being.  Sure, the things Vick has done were horrible and he deserved every bit of his sentence, but playing quarterback for both prison teams is cruel and unfair – to Vick and to his fellow inmates.  Think about it: he’s the first player chosen in the Leavenworth Prison Draft and comes in with much fanfare and high expectations, but he doesn’t live up to them.  All the prison inmates expect him to be this superstar football player, and they soon realize they’ve got a shitty quarterback.  Rufus in cell block D is a much more accurate passer. 

Not only is Vick a huge letdown to his teammates, he’s also a prime target for the dog lovers.  Just like the inmates who wreak havoc on pedophile inmates, so too do the dog-loving football player inmates seek retribution on dog-fighting ringleaders.  Vick would be better served as wide receiver.  He’s certainly not a #1 pick at this state of his sentence. 

 

Jacksonville Chamber of Commerce Projects Record Levels of Handsome through 2013
Late last week, the Jaguars signed head coach Jack Del Rio to a 5 year, $23.5 million contract extension.  Just like his team in 2007, Del Rio was the coach “you don’t want to face” for all NFL owners – and not just because his market value calls for a lot of money.  If you’re an old, wrinkly owner and you come face to face with Del Rio, you’re likely to fall prey to the mesmerizing handsomeness that radiates off his being.   

Brett Favre Pretty Sure About Unsure Retirement Reports
Before the Favre apologists begin hyperventilating and attempt to hack our online headquarters, know that I do realize that Brett called his boy Petey King a few days ago to squash the rumor that he was thinking about un-retiring.  However, it is not a coincidence that Favre has yet to formally file his retirement paperwork with league offices.  It doesn’t mean he’s going to play in 2008, but it does mean that even when he’s “retired”, Brett Favre enjoys some good Brett Favre conversation.  He knows full well that failing to file paperwork will leave the door open in the media’s mind that the Gunslinger might be coming back. 

Get over yourself, Brett.  Kick your feet up and watch the History Channel so Petey can go back to stalking you rather than reporting on you.

Fumes from Gold Teef Making Chad Johnson Loopy
From last week:



And from JSF 2 years ago:

“Chad believes his antics are completely necessary.  ‘I have to do it.  The whole team feeds on me.’  He also says the biggest difference between he and T.O. or Randy Moss is his intelligence, ‘I just don’t handle my business that way.  I’m smart.  I’m not stupid.’  So basically Johnson is Terrell Owens, only he’s ‘smart’ enough to make himself popular and likable.”

Chad Johnson is, was and forever will be a selfish diva only concerned with his own interests.  What was once cute and funny is now unbearable and annoying and has clearly put him on display as another Terrell Owens.  Kind of funny since his teammate TJ Houshmandzadeh has put up better numbers the past 2 seasons. 

Law Enforcement Officials to be Used at Future NFL Combines
Browns cornerback Kenny Wright was apprehended by police last week, after leading them on a quarter mile foot-chase:

Police say they were investigating a disturbance involving Wright in the police department's parking lot when he took off running despite officers' warnings. The former Houston Texans defensive back was caught a short time later in a nearby subdivision. Police also found 1.875 ounces of marijuana in his vehicle.

“The foot chase was about a quarter of a mile," Sgt. Roy Castillo said in a prepared Pearland Police Department statement. "We had people on scene pretty fast, and I believe because of our quick response time and the mental and physical toughness of our officers to catch offenders, we were able to get him in custody quickly and safely.”

See, this is what happens when you sign former Texans to play cornerback – they embarrass the team by getting arrested and by being outrun by police.  This is also why Cleveland gave up the 3rd most passing touchdowns last season. 

Michael Vick’s Sign Off
As part of his correspondence with Falcons owner Arthur Blank, M. Vick has been writing letters to keep in touch with his former boss.  Below is an excerpt from one such letter that doesn’t actually exist.

Mr. Blank,

Things aren’t not bad here because I’m doing the dishes and playing football.  In our first game, I ran for some touchdowns and everyone seemed to have a good time – that is, until I threw an interception in overtime and lost.  It was weird two, because I was all-time quarterback, so the guy I threw two was aksually on my team.  Everywon said I lost the game.  I thawt playing football would be a good release and remind me of the good times at your place, but it turns out I let my teammates down.

My fullback Bubba says I need to watch my back, because he wants to take a hard ride on the “Michael Vick Experience”.  And Leon said that late at night or during shower time, he would sack me really hard.  I miss not having my real offensive line around to protect me.  Same with Marcus and his gun.  Couple of the guys here say they know Marcus pretty well, so that’s cool.  We shared some good stories about Marc.   

The fewd here is pretty bad.  Nuthin’ like the Home Depot picnic lunches we used to share.  Anyways, gotta run (because I surely can’t pass, LOL!).  Talk soon,

Michael.