There are minorities, extreme minorities and then there are horse racing fans under the age of 40.

If you walked out onto the street and took a poll of random passerbys, you’d likely find a contingent of WNBA fans before you scored your first horse racing supporter.   And in case you didn’t know, the WNBA is horrible.

As one of the few who proudly claim membership in this increasingly miniscule group, I feel it’s my duty to shine the light on the ponies at least once during the course of the sports calendar.  And what better time than a few days before the running of the biggest race of them all – the Kentucky Derby.



But much like poker talk, horse racing chatter is equal parts befuddling and infuriating if you’re not a fan of the sport.  If a once-a-year type of fan gets inundated with talk of Beyer figures, quarter cracks and superfectas, they mentally tune out quicker than Dolphins fans are tuning out Jason Taylor’s appearance on Dancing with the Stars.  Most people don’t know or have any desire to find out how far a “furlong” is.

So we’ll discard the hard core handicapping talk and instead focus on some suggestions for how the average joe should go about determining what horse to go with and why when they hit the betting windows on Saturday.  If you’re looking for an excuse to bet on any horse in the race look no further:

Bet Visionaire if… you’re the sympathetic type. His trainer is Michael Matz, the same trainer for the almighty Barbaro.  But Barbaro fans remember that if Visionaire wins there’s no need to send him any congratulatory cards because…horses can’t freaking read.

Bet Big Truck if… you want to stick it to those foreign bastards who keep jacking up the oil prices.  Yeah they can keep your F350 Diesel in the garage by charging $85 to fill it up, but they can’t stop you from getting your moneys worth out of this Truck.  Too bad there isn’t a horse named “Fuel Efficient Hybrid” so all the pansies had something to bet on.

Bet on Colonel John if… 1.) you like closers, because Colonel John will be charging towards the leaders at the end 2.) you’re Army strong or 3.) you really enjoy KFC’s new Snackers©.  They’re only $.99 you know.

Bet Z Fortune if…like doing impressions of the midget from Fantasy Island.

Bet Pyro if…you’re an X-Men geek, as apparently there’s a villain by the same name who has the ability to control fire.  Although if you bet on Pyro because of his X-Men connections, that means indirectly you’ll be supporting this guy.  You may just want to tell people you dig playing with matches.

Bet Eight Belles if…you rooted for Kristi Barnes when she took on the boys for the Bayside High wrestling team on Saved By the Bell. Eight Belles is the lone filly making an appearance in the Derby this year, hoping to follow in the footsteps of Rags to Riches, the filly that took on and defeated 2007 Horse of the Year, Curlin in last year’s Belmont Stakes.

Bet Anak Nakal if…honestly, I can’t think of a single interesting reason you’d bet on Anak Nakal aside from the fact that he'll have great odds.

Bet Court Vision if…you’ve always been the type of person who enjoyed watching a dominant point guard spread the ball around instead of a big center throwing down dunks.  That or if you just really love Jay Bilas and his basketball clichés.

Bet Z Humor if…you’re a supporter of egomaniacal owners.  Granted I’ve never met the namesake behind Zayat Stables who owns Z Humor, but they have two horses in the Derby and both have the letter Z in their name (Z Fortune being the other).  Something tells us that Zayat is the kind of guy who pees his initials into the snow whenever he gets the chance just to mark his territory.

Bet Monba if…if you loved baseball teams in the 80’s who took advantage of Astroturf by overloading on pure speed.  Monba recently won the Bluegrass Stakes at Keeneland, which is run on Polytrack, a synthetic alternative to dirt.  Something tells me that the ’85 Cardinals would have dominated on Polytrack.

Bet Smooth Air if…you’re planning on getting high during the Derby and spending an hour talking about how freaking smooth the air is on your face, man.  Then again, if you're high during the Derby something tells me that you probably don't really care who wins.

Bet Adriano if…you were the lone person in the theatre who wasn’t infuriated when Adrian told Rocky that he couldn’t win against Ivan Drago.  Ungrateful leach.

Bet Bob Black Jack if…you’re the type of gambler who freaks out when you see your horse in the lead with a mile to go.  Bob should be close to the front of the pack if not setting the pace through the early going.  If you’re the type of person who gets super giddy when the track announcer says that your horse is winning regardless of whether there is any legitimate chance that they hold that lead, then this might be the one for you.

Bet Denis of Cork if…you love Clay Aiken.  Denis of Cork’s sire was Harlan’s Holiday who was the offspring of a horse named Christmas in Aiken.  And frankly, Christmas and Clay Aiken were made for each other.

Bet Cowboy Cal if…you always had bizarre fantasies of Cal Ripken wearing a ten gallon hat and chaps. Really who didn’t?

Bet Tale of Ekati if…you’re into a horse whose name sounds like it was picked out by a guy who spends hours playing Dungeons and Dragons online.

Bet Cool Coal Man if…you think that gas grills are for lazy people who want their grilled chicken to taste like it was soaked in formaldehyde.  Something tells us that Cool Coal Man likes his meat cooked with Kingsford.

Bet Recapturetheglory if…you truly despise the space bar key on your computer.

Bet Gayego if…you dig this guy.

Bet Big Brown if…you want to pick a winner (albeit won that might not pay very well.)

Twenty reasons to bet on twenty horses.  Big Brown appears to be the most talented of the bunch this year, but also amongst the most inexperienced.  When a horse is angling for position with nineteen others and doing it in front of 150,000 people, weird things tend to happen.

With that many horses and that many variables, grab some high odds and hope for the best.