Earlier this week, Mike Piazza announced his retirement, much to the chagrin of those who enjoy mocking professional athletes who hold press conferences to announce their heterosexuality. 

Even though he made a living stroking long dingers on the field, we fancy Piazza to be on the straight and narrow - though it doesn't actually matter in the grand scheme.  Upon reflection, I've concluded that Piazza and Buccaneers quarterback Jeff Garcia are long lost brothers. 

Let us count the ways:

• Both men are in their late 30s.  Piazza 39, Garcia 38.


• Both men got their first (major sports) gig with teams on the West Coast, in the Dodgers and 49ers.


• Both men are/were very close to the cornerstones of their teams.  Piazza was drafted simply because he's the pseudo-godson of Tommy Lasorda, and used the relationship to thrive with the Dodgers.  Garcia and his family were friends with Bill Walsh, which ultimately landed Garcia with the 49ers in 1999....


• Both men, while straight, have been investigated and hounded by the gay police throughout their careers.  Piazza had to publicly denounce his perceived gayness, and Garcia has always resembled Boggs from the Shawshank Redemption, a prominent member of the Bull Queers.  In addition, Garcia has the squeaky voice and his good friend Terrell Owens questioned his sexual orientation in a Playboy interview.


• Both are married to Playboy playmates - and I might add, the two females are EXTREMELY talented.  Alicia Rickter and Carmella DeCesare are just two diamonds in the jewelry store front window of life (links midly nsfw).

There's you have it friends.  Piazza and Garcia are the Rod and Richie Belding of the sports world - only nobody else knows it, including them.  Oh and, good bye, Michael Piazza.  Thanks for the memories - like that old ESPN commercial about your mother in Philly.