Joakim Noah is (not) Full of Surprises

Posted by Patrick Imig, May 27, 2008

Following a season which the Chicago Bulls failed to make the playoffs, finished 16 games under .500 and issued a player-induced suspension of rookie assclown Joakim Noah, the team learned of Noah's run in with Gainesville police Monday morning:

The 6-11 rookie was carrying a clear plastic cup with an "iced amber-colored" drink as he was walking outside on the sidewalk shortly before 2 a.m., according to Officer Summer Hallett, a Gainesville, Fla. Police spokeswoman. Noah put the cup down when he saw officers heading his way, Hallett said.

When it was discovered the beverage was Hennessy cognac, Noah was taken to an area police station, where one cannabis cigarette was discovered inside a cigarette package in Noah's pants. Noah, who Hallett described as "cooperative," was charged with possession of less than 20 grams of cannabis and an open container violation. In addition, Noah was charged with impersonating an American Idol participant.

Okay, so I made that last part up (about being charged, anyway).

Just like Kevin Faulk at a Lil John concert this past February, Noah got in trouble for carefully rolling a blunt and keeping it in his pocket. While he was coherent enough drop his cognac down, he apparently didn't remember keeping a ganja stick in his pocket, which would figure since use of such drugs can hinder your short term memory - or so Kevin Faulk once told me. I think it was Kevin Faulk... I don't really remember. (ba da da ch)

Since Noah's father played tennis and he plays basketball, I contacted the Division of Snappy Headline Writers for some sample headlines that the mainstream media missed out on:

Double fault: Noah arrested for alcohol, marijuana possession

You got served: Noah facing marijuana possession charges

Noah chance of a reprieve: former Gator arrested

Bull-Charged: rookie forward cited on marijuana charges

The marijuana possession isn't exactly surprising, considering Noah plays in the NBA and father Yannick admitted in 1981 that he smoked ganja-green prior to tennis matches. To think that the guy over there smoked pot is truly earth-shattering. For the record, Yannick doesn't understand what "all the fuss is about".

"It's like, from the earth man - 100% natural. Just chill and take a break from all the stress and grind, man. Skip your shower and kick around the hacky sack and we'll listen to some Panic, man".

Read More: NBA

Bucky Covington, May 29, 2008 08:05 AM

I am insulted that you would compare me to that wild-haired porn-stached freak

Nate Newton, May 28, 2008 02:05 AM

Joe Mustache is my dealer.

Patrick , May 27, 2008 12:05 PM

I can speak for the entire crew (sans Joe Mustache) in saying there is no illegal drug use going on (although Sebek inhales hair gel fumes to get high). I did partake in some college activity, however. And Mr. I, you can hear the term "ganja-green" in 97% of all rap songs.

J Noah, May 27, 2008 10:05 AM

I'm disappointed I only made it into one of today's JSF articles.

Mr. Irrelevant, May 27, 2008 08:05 AM

That's bullshit. There is nothing wrong with a little chronic. I am actually happy to hear this as a Bulls fan good to see one of ours getting high. And Patrick I definitly know you smoke. There is not a person alive that calls it ganja-green and doesn't smoke and there definitly arent people as funny as you mofo's that don't smoke. I mean look at Joe Mustache he looks fucking blasted on his pic.

ChrisB, May 27, 2008 07:05 AM

I have said it before and I will say it again. Where was his limo? This dude has tons of cash. Have the limo waiting for you outside then simply get in and tell the driver to take you somewhere. Problem solved. Why even go outside with an open container? He can afford to leave his unfinished drinks inside, right? At least he was walking, not driving.