In the modern sports world, talk of curses bounce around in the minds of despondent, eternally demoralized fans and out of touch media members looking for the next good story.  Ask most anyone in Chicago and they’ll mention a goat or Steve Bartman or Mike Harkey’s eye brows as a reason for the Cubs’ 100 years of ineptitude.  But do curses really exist?  And if so, when did they start?

Evidence seems to suggest the “Madden Curse” is real.  I accept the fact that Daunte Culpepper, Marshall Faulk, Michael Vick, Ray Lewis, Donovan McNabb and Shaun Alexander all fell victim to serious injury and subpar performances during the years they appeared on the game’s cover.  With Brett Favre on the cover of Madden '09, he'll probably fall into a coma while watching the History Channel with Peter King by mid-November.  Risky business, I say.

I guess what I’m saying is that if the Madden Curse is real, the routes of it and its handicapped sister, the SI Cover Jinx, can be traced back to the days of the Great Depression.  Today we meet the patriarch of the Madden Curse and SI Cover Jinx: the TIME Magazine curse.

Read on and see for yourself…

October 14th, 1929 – William Wrigley, Jr.

Then owner of the Chicago Cubs, Wrigley, Jr. was the first baseball executive to appear on the cover of TIME.  Not coincidentally, he died 2 and-a-half years later -- and the Cubs haven’t won a championship since.  Though medical examiners first attributed the cause of death to a huge mass of chewing gum stuck to Wrigley’s liver, it was later concluded they had no idea.  I'm fairly certain he was cursed.  Likewise, the cause of the Cubs’ championship drought has been credited to everything from Steve Bartman to a goat, when in reality, the drought is due to two things: a) supreme suckitude and b) TIME Magazine.

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October 5th 1936 - Lou Gehrig, Carl Hubbell

In the fall of ’36, Gehrig completed a .354, 49HR, 154 RBI season.  He celebrated by gracing the cover along with pitcher Carl Hubbell, fresh off a 1936 NL MVP award.  After the magazine hit the stands, the lives of both men took a turn for the worse.  Hubbell’s 16 consecutive game winning streak carried over the following year and reached 24 straight wins, but during his 9th start of the 1937 season, the streak ended (Hubbell also failed to win the MVP in ’37 proving the Curse pretty much raped him of all his ability).

For Gehrig, his statistics would fall off drastically following the magazine feature.  In ’37, he hit 3 one-hundredths of a point lower at .351 (!!GASP!!), then fell off to .295 in 1938 and retired 8 games into the 1939 season after a horrid .143 start.  Five years after donning the cover, the Iron Horse died after he was diagnosed with a rare disorder which caused baseball players to average 204 hits, 37HR, and 149RBI per season. 

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September 22, 1947 – Jackie Robinson


Five months after breaking the color barrier, Jackie Robinson was voted 2nd most popular person in the country behind Bing Crosby.  In addition, he earned a TIME cover cameo.  The curse would strike soon, though, as Robinson’s lore and legacy would be forever weakened.  Over the next 10 years, Major League Baseball added 12 Negroes to various rosters, garnering Robinson “just one of the guys” status. 

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October 4, 1948 – Joe DiMaggio


Five and-a-half years after the Yankee Clipper’s cover shot, he married the nation’s favorite open-legged blond, Marilyn Monroe.  Two hundred seventy-four days later, Joe and the All-American whore divorced and DiMaggio noticed large, red sores all over his rosin bag.  Despite multiple treatments, the virus proved to be chronic and haunted him until he died in 1999.  Once you have it, the virus never leaves your system - at least that's what the Valtrex people tell me.

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June 15th, 1953 – Mickey Mantle

The TIME Curse didn’t strike Mickey right away.  It was more of a slow, deliberate ailment.  Thirty years after the fact, Mantle was suspended by Major League Baseball for working as a greeter and community representative for Claridge Resort and Casino in Atlantic City.  Even though he would be reinstated 2 years later, Mantle was sent to Betty Ford’s house where she mercilessly beat him until he stopped drinking.  After years of physical abuse, Mickey needed a new liver and got one, but he eventually succumbed to cancer and Betty’s robust beatings in 1995.

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May 28th, 1956 – Robin Roberts

Long before Mike Penner broke the penis barrier at the LA Times and became Christine Daniels, Robin Roberts made history.  After gracing TIME and capping a career which earned him 7 All Star appearances and six 20+ win seasons, he traded races and sexes and became the cornerstone of ESPN in the 1990s.  She then took over as co-anchor for ABC’s Good Morning America in 2005 (and still doesn’t show any signs of being 81 years old, I might add).

From white male Hall of Fame pitcher to black female sports anchor turned national news co-host, Roberts has been cursed by an all round lack of recognition for his and her tremendous accomplishments.  Fortunately, I respect him and her.

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August 23rd, 1971 – Vida Blue


Having gone 24-8 and striking out 301 batters, Vida captured American League CY Young and MVP honors in 1971.  Unbeknownst to him, TIME unleashed the Cocaine-ian Curse, as Blue pleaded guilty to attempting to buy powder in 1983.  In 1985, he was implicated in the infamous Pittsburgh drug trials (more on that in a bit).  Basically, the people at Time Warner started the string of baseball players sniffing their favorite form of infield chalk in the 80s. 
 

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May 11th, 1981 – Billy Martin


A little over 4 years after Martin’s date with TIME, he brawled with pitcher Ed Whitson and received a broken arm as a token of Ed’s affection.   And a little over 4 years after Whitson beat him senseless, Martin received an awfully mean-spirited Christmas present in the form of a fatal car crash.  Don’t fu*k with TIME, people.

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August 19, 1985 – Pete Rose


Nearly 4 years to the day that Petey appeared on that there cover, he would go on to earn permanent ineligibility from Major League Baseball (August 24, 1989).  Sure he would break Ty Cobb’s all time hits record in between, but everything Pete Rose was forever tarnished thanks to the curse.  And this edition of the curse was just the beginning for Petey.

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September 16, 1985 – Miami Vice

On the inset of the cover of this particular edition, the Pittsburgh drug trials are discussed and everyone from Willie Wilson to Dave Parker to Lonnie Smith and Keith Hernandez are implicated as supreme cocaine users.  Hernandez is even quoted as saying, “I consider cocaine the devil on this earth”, which is a far cry from what he considered to be the devil in 2006: women in the dugout (hoozah!). 

Anyway, I don't know how a Curse is involved in all of this, I just found it ironic that the drug trial stories were told with 2 of the 80s' best crime fighters on the cover.  For the record, Miami Vice would be cancelled 4 years later, so you can blame TIME for that too.

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April 7th 1986 – Doc Gooden

This curse was a bit different than previous ones in that Gooden felt its wrath immediately.  Within the next 3 seasons, he would compile a 0-4 record in postseason play.  Moreover, he missed his team’s championship parade in the fall of 1986 because he was on a massive cocaine binge (seriously).  He would also go on to miss the first two months of the ’87 season because he was in rehab for said cocaine addiction  further illustrating TIME’s penchant for eliminating blacks from Major League Baseball.

Note: if you read the Gooden story, you’ll find that even at age 21, the media is touting him as a potential “Hall of Famer”.  Essentially, you can blame TIME for the modern sports media’s knack for knee-jerk reactions too.  Jesus, just blame TIME for everything.

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July 10, 1989 – Pete Rose

The TIME affliction Rose suffered began to spiral out of control after this cover story.  A year after publication, Petey was convicted of tax evasion and went to prison.  In addition, he received a tombstone piledriver from Kane at every WrestleMania from 1998 through 2000 – and had his face implanted in Rikishi’s Samoan hiney at WrestleMania 2000.  Even worse, Rose would suffer the humiliation of being portrayed by the fake-penis-wearing Tom Sizemore in the EOE made for TV movie Hustle in 2004, proving multiple TIME cover stories can lead to unrelenting physical and mental abuse.
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July 27th 1998 – Mark McGwire, Ken Griffey Jr.
“Hey, Mark.  We’re on the cover of TIME this week.  Did you see that!?!?”

”Yeah I saw it.  That’s pretty, uh, pretty awesome.  Best of luck to you this season.”

”Yeah; same to you man.  One of us will break that record… for sure.”

7 years later

“Hey Mark, what happened in there?  I mean, you really looked bad on the stand.  It’s all over the news that you bombed in front of Congress… ow!”

“I’m not here to talk to you about that.  Did you just scream 'ow'?"

”Yeah… I just blew out my quad while walking upstairs.”

“F**k!  These people won't leave me alone.  I gotta go.”

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November 8th 2004 – Boston Red Sox

They've only won one World Series championship since.  What more do you want?  And that pitcher giving a firm crotch hug to Jason Varitek?  His career went down the toilet.   In fact, he retired before coming back to Oakland this spring.

Quick; someone forward this to Bill Simmons.

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