In case you haven’t been paying attention to the rampant stretches of white columns that have been terrorizing New York landmarks in the commercials airing on Fox, next week happens to be the MLB All Star Game which is being played for the final time at the current version of Yankee Stadium.   

The last time the All Star Game was hosted by the Yankees was 31 years ago in 1977, years before it “counted”.  Lots has changed for the mid-summer classic since those days.  In 2008 we have the whole “winner takes home field” scenario, the phenomenon that is Internet voting, the phenomenon that is Japanese people taking full advantage of Internet voting and two days before the game we get to see a softball exhibition that features baseball legends, celebrities and occasionally Kevin James.  We have an underwear company as the title sponsor, a four-hour Homerun Derby and of course we have the Best Damn Red Carpet Special which features the coveted record for longest red carpet in the history of man. 

With all that, you have to assume Bud Selig is beaming with pride at what he’s created. 
 
But does all the fluff make for a more enjoyable game?  You can dress it up as much as you’d like, but ultimately the quality of the game itself is going to depend on the quality of the players playing.  With that in mind, how would the 2008 All Star Lineup stack up against its 1977 counterpart?

With roughly 73 players on each roster, for brevity’s sake our comparison was kept to starting lineups only.  And trust us, that was not a decision made lightly since a couple of fellas by the name of Goose Gossage and Dennis Eckersley were on the bench in ’77.  We don’t bypass easy mustache jokes often. 

First Base
Steve Garvey, Rod Carew vs. Lance Berkman, Kevin Youkilis
In 1977 Rod Carew finished the season batting .388, hit a career high 14 homeruns, won the MVP and presumably did it all while occasionally sporting an Olivia Newton John headband.  Opposite him was Steve Garvey, he of the multiple paternity suits and celebrity bill-fishing tournaments that featured the sheriff from Murder She Wrote.

The 2008 lineup brings us a man who calls himself The Big Puma hitting .344 with 22 bombs as we approach the break (Lance Berkman) and Kevin Youkilis, the Greek God of Goatees That Look Like They Could Be Used As Belt Sanders.  Berkman’s comparables on baseball-reference.com at this point in his career include Albert Pujols and Hack Wilson. Youkilis’ comparables include someone named Wayne Nordhagen.

Verdict: 2008 – Because if Steve Garvey were to host a celebrity Puma hunting tournament, he’d get mauled.

Second Base
Joe Morgan, Willie Randolph vs. Chase Utley, Dustin Pedroia
Both the old-timers have their own set of issues in 2008, as Randolph just got canned from his job with the Mets two years removed from an NLCS appearance and Morgan has become best known for being a stubborn, stats-hating announcer who really doesn’t watch much baseball despite it being his job.  As players, neither had any problems as Morgan won two MVP’s in leading the Big Red Machine and Randolph, while not quite the equivalent of his counterpart, appeared in five All Star Games, four of those coming as a Yankee. 

If any modern day player could warrant comparisons to Joe Morgan, it might be Chase Utley. Both have a unique combo of power, average and quality defense from a premium position. If only Chase could start spouting off idiotic commentary and motivate someone to start a site called firechaseutley.com we might not be able to tell them apart (besides Utley’s precious locks).  Pedroia is only in his second season so there’s no real way to predict if he’ll surpass Randolph in his career, so we’ll call that matchup a push. 

Verdict: 2008 – Maybe we just can’t get past Joe Morgan: Professional Announcer.

Third Base
Ron Cey, George Brett vs. Chipper Jones, Alex Rodriguez
Let’s do this one by nicknames: 

Ron Cey = The Penguin
George Brett = Mullet
Larry Jones = Chipper
Alex Rodriguez = A-Rod

So you’ve got The Penguin and Mullet (seriously, apparently George Brett was known as “Mullet” early in his career; the guy was so far ahead of his time) versus Chipper and A-Rod.  The MLB Nickname Selection Committee was clearly much more creative in the 70’s. 

Verdict: 1977 – Because Chipper sounds like the type of named that should have been retired after being mocked in 5th grade gym class.

Shortstop
Dave Concepcion, Rick Burleson vs. Hanley Ramirez, Derek Jeter
In 1977, Rick Burleson was a starter on the All Star team after posting a .298 average, 2 homeruns and 28 RBI, and that was the good half. He inexplicably made a repeat appearance in the All Star Game the next year in a season which he wound up hitting .245/.295/.339 with 5 homeruns and 49 RBI.  In ’77 and ’78 he  finished 22nd and 36th in MVP voting respectively, proving once and for all that it’s really sort of pointless to count all the way to 36th place in MVP voting.  But damned if this guy wasn’t camera friendly. 

Of course, rugged handsomeness aside, all this means that Dave Concepcion is pretty much on his own in taking on rising star Hanley Ramirez and New York legend Derek Jeter.  Those two have both the hype and the performance covered.  Sorry, Dave, you lose.

Verdict: 2008 – But we think that Burleson could give Jeter a run for his money in groupies if he were in his prime today. 

Catcher
Johnny Bench, Carlton Fisk vs. Geovany Soto, Joe Mauer
Soto is quickly establishing himself as close to a lock for the NL Rookie of the Year and Mauer has a batting title and vintage “Brandon Walsh from 90210” sideburns to his credit, but c’mon they’re up against Carlton Fish and Johnny freaking Bench, two of the greatest catchers to play the game.  Maybe in ten years this will be closer, youngsters. 

Verdict: 1977 - And just so you know, Mauer, you aren’t the first catcher to strap on some sideburns.

NL Outfield
George Foster, Dave Parker, Greg Luzinski, vs. Alfonso Soriano, Kosuke Fukudome, Ryan Braun
Screw baseball, the combination of George Foster, Dave Parker and Greg Luzinski could beat the ever-living shit out of the entire 2008 roster without so much as putting a scratch on Foster’s tinted pimp shades.  And they might be motivated to do so when they saw that Japanese voters somehow got Kosuke Fukudome voted in as a starter. 

Verdict 1977 – Greg Luzinski scares me.

AL Outfield
Carl Yastrzemski, Reggie Jackson, Richie Zisk vs. Manny Ramirez, Ichiro Suzuki, Josh Hamilton
Let’s assume that the two legends of the Red Sox franchise – Manny and Yaz – pretty much cancel each other out.  One is a Hall of Famer, the other is going to be, both are beloved in Boston, one was the last player to win a Triple Crown, the other looks like he hasn’t washed his hair in ten years, blah, blah. 

That leaves us with Reggie Jackson and someone named Richie Zisk for the old timers, and Ichiro and Josh Hamilton for the newbies.  In Hamilton, the game has its feel-good story - a former phenom-turned-crackhead-turned phenom again who leads the Majors in RBI at the break.  In Jackson, you have a phenom-turned-combatant with Billy Martin-turned-potential assassin of the Queen of England.  Both have overcome their share of problems en route to their success. 

I would go over why Ichiro Suzuki is superior to Richie Zisk, but frankly I have no idea who Richie Zisk is. 

Verdict: 1977 – Crack is one thing, being robotically programmed to kill the Queen of England is another. 
 
As for the pitchers, it’s not official who will be named starters for the 2008 game, but it is probably a safe bet that both leagues won’t be sending future Hall of Famers to the mound.   That was the case in 1977 when Jim Palmer started for the AL and Don Sutton started for the NL.  Yeah, that’s right, a man who wasn't afraid to be photographed wearing nothing but a glove and a g-string went up against one of the best white jheri curls the league has ever seen.  Advantage 1977. 

Overall
Even in spite of Bud Selig’s laundry list of intended improvements to the All Star Game, according to our very pragmatic viewpoint, it still appears as if the 2008 game will have slightly less star power than last one to hit Yankee Stadium.  It’s tough to duplicate a game that featured nine eventual Hall of Famers in the starting lineups alone.  With eight more on the benches, the grand total of players who ultimately got plaques in Cooperstown on hand at the 1977 All Star Game was 17. 

Not even the world’s longest red carpet can make up for that gap in talent.