When ESPN announced in October that they had ponied up several million to obtain the services of Rick Reilly, we paid tribute by highlighting one of Reilly’s most impressive accomplishments while at Sports Illustrated – racking up seven similes/metaphors in one single column about Tim Wakefield’s knuckleball.

Now that he’s over at ESPN, we wanted to check in on his progress. Seven columns in and we’re only counting nine total similes and metaphors…

the game made him meaner than a dyspeptic rattler

is like rooting for the salmon to eat the bear

That's more one-sided than a Venezuelan election.

But it's like watching a thresher go through wheat.

start going through cash like Jack Black through the Keebler factory

They burn money like the Pentagon

Those are the kinds of guys who will suck up your dough like a street-sweeper

Where do you start in a place that has more history than Barbara Walters' closet?

He is more fun than a Dubai expense account

That’s only 1.28 per column. Not worth $2 million annually if you ask us. So if the rhetorical tropes have gone by the wayside, what exactly is ESPN getting for their money?

Poems.

Hey, Simmons got a cartoon, why shouldn’t Reilly get to recite golf poetry on TV? ESPN sure treats its columnists well.

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth

"Ronnie Wiseman is an American Idol. He's handsome and charming." - Billiards 9 Ball Championship color analyst

For the record, Ronnie Wiseman looks like this, and our un-named analyst is a man (not that there's anything wrong with that).
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"His cue is slashed to the side." - Billiards color guy

Nobody likes it when their cue is slashed.
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"Dwight Freeney (is) the most game-planned defensive player in the National Football League."- Mark Schlereth

It's always a joy to welcome the Big Savvy, Mark Schlereth, back into the Media Circus - especially when he continues to create new categories for superlatives.
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“Everyone has to make a living man."- John Madden, on Frank Caliendo's Madden impression

In an ironic twist, Madden offered the same answer when asked what he thought of announcers with different colored eye brows than their hair who make sounds and noises and rarely speak in coherent sentences.

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"If there's one reason Tampa Bay is where they are it's because James Shields has allowed it and also the bullpen." - Eduardo Perez, Baseball Tonight

And if there's one reason we've chosen to pick on Eduardo Perez it's because he sits next to John Kruk and because he can't count.

Official Sponsors for Billiards Tournament Officially Out of Control

In another sign that advertising has a firm grasp of the sports landscape, the "2008 GenerationPool.com 9-Ball Championship" - which sounds an awful lot like an inferior college bowl game - aired on ESPN this past weekend, and with that showcased an array of sponsors that would make an NFL or MLB radio broadcast jealous. In no particular order, the tournament featured:

• Official table Sponsor: Olhausen billiard Mfg., Inc.


• Official cue Sponsor: Sterling-Fury Cues


• Official cloth Sponsor: Sterling-Milliken Super Pro


• Official Furniture Sponsor: Mikhail Darafeev


• Official ball Sponsor: Aramith


• Closed Captioning Sponsor: PoolDawg.com


• Rotational Signage Sponsor: American Poolplayers Association


• Rotational Signage Sponsor: CueSight.com


• Hall of Fame Reception Sponsor: Sterling Gaming


• VIP Reception Sponsor: Sterling-Fury Cues

Lest we forget the title sponsor, GenerationPool.com, and DELTA-13, the official sponsor of the GenerationPool.com 9-Ball Championship rack. If only we could get a sponsor pinned down for Janet Lee's rack...



Her pool rack, perverts.

Media Rant - Media Plays Dance, Dance Revolution while Watching Dirty Dancing

If nothing else, the mainstream sports media is enjoyable because of its shear predictability. Case in point the Dolphins trade of Jason Taylor to the Redskins, and the subsequent barrage of obvious one liners pertaining to Taylor's foray this past off-season on Dancing With the Stars.

In no more than five minutes, the Media Circus team discovered the following anecdotes from our online media friends:

"The dumbstruck Redskins didn't just need Taylor, they suddenly had to have the world's most famous dancing Dolphin since Flipper." - Don Banks, SI

"The 'Skins needed Jason Taylor. But if 2008 is his last dance, Alex Marvez says they'll regret dealing for the disgruntled Dolphin."- Foxsports.com

"Simply stated, at least Taylor has hope for a Super Bowl appearance as his NFL career winds down. That beats the alternative — staying with the Dolphins for his last NFL dance."- Alex Marvez

"Jason Taylor is on the verge of dancing on over to the Washington Redskins."- Jay Glazer

"It's not abnormal to see Washington Capitals forward Alex Ovechkin cheering Gilbert and gang along or to see your new fellow teammates at a Caps game or two. Join in; it's not the dance floor, but the fans will love you for it."- Drew Costley, ESPN Mag

"Stay away from politics—life's confusing enough and you don't need any talking head analyzing how many dance steps you made with your right foot instead of your left."- Costley, ESPN Mag

"Jason Taylor can dance, but he apparently couldn't talk Andre Carter out of No. 99. So rather than have a dance-off for the right to No. 99, the six-time Pro Bowl defensive end, acquired on Sunday from Miami, will be wearing No. 55 for the Redskins."- Corey Masisak, Washington Post

"Jason Taylor Dancing With New Team." - Access Hollywood

Whether he's dancing with a new team, participating in a dance-off, or playing in the last dance of his career, it's safe to say Taylor will be missed by the mainstream media. We suppose Emmitt Smith will need to get arrested in a drug bust so he can dance his way to prison.

If that doesn't happen, it's more than okay to supply a joke about Johnny Castle. Man that guy could really move.

Bob Carpenter Memorial Snappy Line

If there's one thing that Bob Carpenter loves, it's good neighbors. The world would be a better place if everyone threw out a 'howdy' and offered their neighbor a cool glass of lemonade when they saw them. So needless to say, Carpenter has always been fond of the famous State Farm jingle about being a good neighbor. Mix it with a snappy line and now we're talking...

"Like a good neighbor, Hank Blalock is there."- Stan Verett

Have cyber glass of lemonade and two thumbs up on the Bobber, Stan.

The Media Circus is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig. They swear this stuff is real. E-mail them at info@joesportsfan.com