In today's world of high definition television, instant information from phones or internet and 24 hour sports news, many of the traditions associated with baseball fandom that were present when you first got hooked on the sport are long gone.

Gone is the anticipation of scouring the morning box scores in the newspaper for information, the fascination with the opposite league that we never got to see on TV and the reliance on the media to shape our opinions of the players and coaches.  With replay on the way in a few weeks, the long-standing tradition of umpires blowing homerun calls will go by the wayside too.

But while the world has been flying by, the one area that seems like it's been locked in a museum, virtually unchanged over the decades is the art of broadcasting baseball on the radio. While the obvious common thread on the radio has been the voices that we've heard for years - Vin Scully in LA, Santo in Chicago, Uecker in Milwaukee, Brennaman in Cincy and so on - there is another, less celebrated aspect of most radio broadcasts that has remained consistent over time and added to the charm of following baseball the way our grandfathers did.  We're speaking of course of the absolutely horrible advertisements you hear in between every inning.

It's safe to say that if you're tasked with coming up with a radio spot to be broadcast during a Major League Baseball game, your objective is crystal clear - no matter how ridiculous it sounds, no matter how forced or meaningless it is... you need to make certain that the ad has some corny baseball reference crammed into the copy.

It's not as if the concept of tailoring an advertisement to the program its airing on is groundbreaking or unique to baseball in anyway.  When you watch the SuperBowl, you're going to see commercials that reference football, when you watch Oprah you're going to see commercials referencing cults (at least I assume, I never watch Oprah).

The difference of course is the limitations of radio advertisements.  With radio, ads are fairly one dimensional, meaning the way to relate them to the sport they're being broadcast during is to use one of a handful of time-tested methods. Predictably, we heard samples of each during a three hour Cardinals broadcast earlier this week on KTRS 550 in St. Louis. 

The Simple Cliche
With over a century of baseball cliches and lingo available to sprinkle into the script, you don't have to be a seasoned ad exec to drop a slick one liner that will make sure everyone knows you're hip to the game.  The simple cliche method is a favorite of the local mom and pop advertiser who saved up three months worth of company revenue to pay for one 30 second ad during a game.

On Tuesday night, it was something called the Painters District Council #2 that took full advantage of their slot and pummelled listeners over the head with references to make sure that everyone knew they were cool with this whole "sports" thing.

Because god knows when selecting a painting contractor I'm always going to remember these words "...but chances are you'll end up in last place, so go with the champions, Painters District Council #2."

I have nightmares about finishing last place when it comes to my paint.

The Seamless Transition
See those guys in the corner wearing the suits with the slicked back hair, laughing and twirling the keys to their Mercedes?  Those are the ad executives.  They get a kick out of the unsophisticated baseball advertisers who use simple cliches without any connection to what they're pimping.  It takes years of training, thousands of dollars spent on corporate power lunches and a Bluetooth to be able to take the standard sports catchphrase and apply it seamlessly to a completely unrelated service.

They'd like to see the average schmoe take an ad for an accounting firm and weave it into a complex sports analogy just by opening it up with an attention-grabbing line like "are you seeing the whole field at your business?"  Freaking genius.

What's that?  You're a printing company and you want baseball fans to spend loads of money with you?  How about starting your ad off with this beauty... "Every organization needs a game saver to help their organization win".  And guess who that "game saver" is?  Yep.  The printing company.  Now how about you start printing off some coin to compensate them for that brilliance.

And if you're still not convinced to go with the big boys, how about a recommendation from the company that got this gem..."being a fan means cheering for your team through thick and thin...however if you're holding onto a mutual fund that's underperforming, your loyalty is misplaced."

These unsuspecting listeners probably don't even realize they're hearing a commercial until after the message has already been burned into their brains. Suckers.

The Celebrity Endorsement
If what you're company is looking for is free reign to say whatever idiotic sports-related line that comes to mind, might we suggest talking to your local celebrity spokesman about coming aboard.  For most of the celebrity announcers or former players you hear on the radio during a baseball game, reading ad copy is the pinnacle of "mailing it in".  You could tell them to read the script from a 1984 episode of Trapper John, MD and they'd probably do it without a second of hesitation.  Just make sure their name is spelled correctly on the check.

There isn't any cliche that's too cheesy or nonsensical for a celebrity spokesman, just ask Cardinals announcer Mike Shannon:

"Take it from me, Mike Shannon, your Gateway Honda dealers are a grand slam"

Indeed they are, Mike.

The Total Package
While roughly one out of every three ads during a baseball game are charmingly awful - at least on the St. Louis airwaves - occasionally one rolls up all of the various styles of crappy sports radio advertising and creates a pitch that is so bad, it can't help but stick in your head.  On KTRS 550, it's a spot voiced by play-by-play man John Rooney for a simple product that has absolutely nothing to do with the game of baseball:

"when it comes to fighting germs, you have to play hardball. That's why I use Germ-X, the instant hand sanitizer. I just apply Germ-x to my hands, rub it in for 15 seconds then I'm ready to throw germs out at the plate."

And what's the only way to follow up something so blissfully goofy?

"Germ-X, the preferred hand sanitizer of the St. Louis Cardinals"

Nothing closes the deal like the old "preferred ______ of the St. Louis Cardinals" trick.


Who knows where sports media will take us in the next twenty or thirty years, but so long as baseball is broadcast over the radio we have a feeling that crappy low budget commercials will remain as much a part of the national pastime as peanuts and cracker jacks.

As far as we're concerned, that's a homerun.

That last cheesy line was the preferred cheesy line of the St. Louis Cardinals.