"I'm Sean Salisbury and I lost 25 pounds on the Monday Football Column. I also need work. Bad. Like, real bad. IF YOU THINK I HAVE JOB SECURITY, THEN YOU ARE A BONEHEAD!"

Cheating Patriots incredulous over clean cheapshot on Brady

The world hasn't come crumbling down yet, and I for one am shocked. Tom Brady is "reportedly" out for the season. Sure, as of this typing the MRI hasn't taken place and the "sources" giving the insider information have remained anonymous, but that doesn't matter. Whatever the case, this plays into the hands of Bill Belichick perfectly. If he really wants to be the world's premiere sports heel, he'll announce at a press conference that Brady is done, only never take him off the roster and make opposing teams think there might be a chance he'll line up on Sunday. Or Bill and Thomas Edward Brady could fake the whole thing as a way to screw with Mangini and the Jets this Sunday. That coupled with Belichick's shagging of Mangini's mother would cement permanent #1 heel status for the hooded one.

Even though the NFL said Bernard Pollard's hit on Brady was legal, the Patriots are crying foul. Ironic the team would lash out at a cheapshot (that wasn't even cheap) when their starting safety has been the king of cheapshots since coming into the league in 1994. Even more ironic: Belichick told the team in the locker room that teams have to rebound after losing a star player and cited Kurt Warner and the '99 Rams as an example. You know, the '99 Rams who started Kurt Warner because Rodney Harrison ko'd Trent Green in preseason.

Lions fire Mike Martz after defense gives up 318 yards rushing

The Mike Smith era in Atlanta got off to a good start thanks to Matt Ryan channeling his inner-Michael Bishop by completing a 62 yard touchdown strike on his first career pass attempt (Bishop accomplished the feat in 2000). Former LaDainian Tomlinson backup Michael Turner rushed for 220 yards and two touchdowns and had a third score called back because of penalty. Atlanta averaged 8.3 yards per play, aided by two scores of 60+ yards.

After a 4-0 preseason, Detroit lost the opener and is now 31-82 in the regular season since 2001. I think the Lions will be okay, though. That Rod Marinelli is a defensive-minded coach and has great discipline. If his rookie Kevin Smith can win the Super Bowl for the Lions as he suggested three weeks ago, everything will be good in Detroit.

To put the exclamation point on the "new era" in Atlanta the team will hold an organization sponsored cat-fighting ring at Roddy White's house on Tuesday rather than practice. Good for them. While many find it disgusting and vile, a minor portion of society enjoys pussy-on-pussy action.

What? Don't look at me like that. I don't condone, nor have I ever taken part in such activity. Never will, either.

Price of oil continues plummet after Favre victory

Brett Favre played flawless football in his Jets debut, completing 15/22 for 194 yards and two touchdowns, the second of which was a lollipop prayer on 4th and 13 that landed in Chansi Stuckey's arms. This begs the question: would Chad Pennington be able to throw a floater that high and far? Pennington definitely showed off his lack of arm strength when he failed to throw the ball out of the end zone with :05 seconds remaining and into the outstretched hands of  Darrelle Revis to seal it for the Jets.

As for the Favre touchdown to Stuckey, Dolphins fullback Boomer Grigby said "He's a miracle worker. He threw that thing in the air and God said, 'Brett Favre will have a touchdown pass.' And he did. That's Brett Favre being Brett Favre." So a guy not affiliated with Brett Favre's team who goes by the name "Boomer" believes there is something holy about Our Favre? And it just so happens he plays for a team run by the guy Chris Berman worked with in-studio last year?

Boomer sucks.

The Visualization Process of Ricky Williams

Jim Nantz and Phil Simms mentioned that Ricky Williams spends the night before a game visualizing making a "big catch". This came up after Williams caught a pass for a first down during Miami's final drive in their near-comeback victory. You might think getting high would help facilitate the imagination process, but I take Ricky for his word when he says he's clean.

No. No I don't at all -- especially when he stares at the picture below to begin the visualization process. Apparently Greg Camarillo convinced him it's actually a Magic Eye.



Reebok vows to start selling Chad Uno jerseys

Unfortunately for all seven of you Chad Ocho Cinco fans, you will have to buy a "Chad Johnson" jersey if you want to show your official team apparel support for the man. Shockingly, it's not because Reebok thinks Chad is a huge johnson, but I like to think it's part of the equation.

Although the NFL recognized the name change, the release says “certain issues remain [with the NFL] to be resolved before Ocho Cinco will be permitted to wear his new surname on his jersey.’”

“He will wear the name Johnson on his jersey today and will be referred to as Chad Johnson on the official play-by-play sheet,” the statement said. “Further questions should be directed to the league office.”

Interestingly, Johnson doesn't seem to realize that "Ocho Cinco" doesn't spell out "eighty-five" in espanol. That would be "Ochenta y Cinco", moron sandwich. While Chad's jerseys are "vintage Chad Johnson", his play on the field certainly is not. Sunday he hauled in one reception for 22 yards as part of the Bengals 9th road loss in 11 tries. Carson Palmer finished Sunday with his lowest career passer rating, a sultry 32.5. Marvin Lewis should lay down a challenge with Scott Linehan to see who can get fired first this year.

Greatest Show on Turf explodes for three points in retro-2007 show

The Eagles out-gained the Rams 522-166. Donovan McNabb threw to seven different receivers and finished with 361 yards passing. The Rams did beat the Eagles in penalties by a 9-4 tally, which is something to build on heading into Week 2 at home against the sack-happy Giants. Plus, Orlando Pace, Drew Bennett and Leonard Little all left the game at various points due to injury. ENCORE!!! IT'S AN ENCORE I SAY! (!!!)

Since starting 4-1 in his first year as head coach, the Rams are 7-21 under Scott Linehan. Of the four wins to start the season in '06, two of them were set to be losses but Kurt Warner and Brett Favre fumbled away their team's chance at victory late in the game. It's possible the team could have started 2-3 rendering an overall mark of 9-24 as opposed to that scalding hot 11-22 in 2+ seasons of Scooter. 

Lucky for Linehan,  Andy Reid wasn't hungry on Sunday. 



Statistic that might only interest this guy

The NFC West was outscored 72-49 on Sunday and HALF the division played against each other. The Rams and Seahawks lost by a combined 72-13 and the Cardinals scraped by San Francisco 23-13. If the NFL represented the cast of Family Guy, the NFC West would play the role of Meg Griffin.

Steve Smith fails to record catch in surprise win over Chargers

For a man who presumably runs around in like his jock is on fire after successfully pasting a stamp on an addressed envelope, Jake Delhomme exceeded previous celebrations with what he called the "Jim Valvano" celebration on Sunday. After hitting Dante Rosario for the winning score with no time remaining, Delhomme ran around like Valvano after NC State's win over Houston in 1983 (duh).

Maybe there is something to this whole Wolfpack/Panthers parallel seeing as both teams play in North Carolina. Come to think of it, San Diego and Houston were both favored to win by a sizable margin in their games, and both lost by two. Also, both teams' head coaches have the face of an 86 year old, it's just that Norv Turner is 30 years younger than Guy Lewis.

Lovie Smith becomes first black coach to defeat first black coach to win Super Bowl

The biggest surprise of the day was the Bears domination of the Colts at Lucas Oil Stadium Sunday night. Matt Forte rushed for over 100 yards and a score in his rookie debut (next week will be his Week 2 debut). His quarterback Kyle Orton played mistake free and led me to a conclusion: he's greasy looking. On top of that, his last name is Orton and he looks a little like X-Pac with a helmet on. Good God, Bears quarterbacks suck.

I really enjoyed the way the Sunday night game was promoted, though: "a rematch of Super Bowl XLI". I'm really looking forward to a rematch of Super Bowl X, XIII and XXX in Week 14 when the Cowboys and Steelers play. Both teams will be seeking to avenge their championship losses. Neil O'Donnell better not throw the game again, either.

The Monday Football Column is written by Patrick Imig. He's honored to be the first white man to write about the first black coach defeating the first black coach to win the Super Bowl. Email him at patrick@joesportsfan.com