Every Tailgate has a pecking order. At some point during the pre-game festivities, the grill is broken out, the bratwursts are piled on and by the time they're nice and juicy you've got several meatheads lined up with buns in hand waiting impatiently. But only one person can be in the prestigious position to accept the first one off the grill.

There's something to be said about that. Even if that person only gets to bite into his milliseconds before everyone else, those are some damn satisfying milliseconds.

To open up the Morning Tailgate every day on JSF, we will award our honorary First Bratwurst to whoever in the sports world deserves it....

The best part of watching Gary Sheffield get beat up is...watching Gary Sheffield get beat up. The guy has been amongst the biggest jerk-offs in Major League Baseball since he came into the league in 1988, then known mostly as the nephew of Doc Gooden.

Last Friday in Cleveland, he got drilled with a Fausto Carmona fastball, took exception and eventually got his nose bloodied in the fight he instigated. Naturally, Mr. Sheffield had his badass facade on afterwards...

"I saw the tape. I know who they are. And I guarantee you, they'll have to deal with me...If you take a cheap shot at me, I'll never forget it. I won't forget it until the day I die."

Chilling. Sort of like The Terminator only instead of man-hunting robot, it's coming from a 40-year old malcontent who is hitting .223.

Because he took full advantage of his opportunity to punch Gary Sheffield in the face - like so many baseball fans have dreamed of - we hand the First Bratwurst for September 23rd to Indians pitcher Fausto Carmona.

We have mustard if you'd like, Fausto.



The 23rd Day of September

1943, 1958 - Marty Schottenheimer and Marvin Lewis were born. Ironically, the guy currently out of football has a better chance of coaching in the NFL next season - and the one currently in football has a better chance at visiting a former player in prison, according to 64% of our Mustache Nation poll.

1988 - Jose Canseco became baseball's first 40-40 man. It's unbelievable to think he was once the most highly coveted baseball card in neighborhoods across the country. Now he's a societal nutjob who wears panties on reality television programs.

2007 - the Bills were 0-3, having scored 24 points in three games compared to 2008's uber-fun 3-0 with 78 points. Almost as fun as having a player named "Roscoe".

2011 - EMTs responded to a complaint in Bristol, CT after Steve Phillips reported a 12 hour erection, which paramedics attributed to the celebration of Joba Chamberlain's 26th birthday.



Buck Showalter - Former Yankees manager, thinking of Chuck Knoblauch in compression shorts





The parenthesis is the definitive sign that a snappy headline has gone too far. It serves as
headliner code that this play on words is so ridiculous that you probably won't understand what the hell they're trying to say without a little wink. Of course, we're not sure which is worse - the horrible headline or the use of the word "dude" in the paragraph below it. We haven't seen as desperate an attempt to be hip since the last Pringles ad campaign.





Hey everyone -

Remember me? I'm that dipshit, tank of a human-being that flaunts and flails his sweaty pits all over the end zone at Qwest Field in Seattle. My defining moment in history is endless amounts of television coverage due to my insanely unique and creative "Sea-Fence" sign - which I hold up at any point during the game. What does "Sea Fence" mean? Well, it's a combination of....well, I mean, you've seen the "D-Fence" signs, right? It's like that, only better...because we're in Seattle. Whatever, man. Take a look at these receiver gloves !!!! Bring it !!!



A Memo From Sea Fence, LLC



Fan of the Week - 'Tis the season. Saturday college madness. Week Three NFL action. A Brett Favre game on Monday night. All recipes for fun hunting success. It's going to come down to the wire today. Who will prevail? Check back later.

Week 2 Denouement - A round up of all things NFL, written by Patrick Imig.  He thinks he's really cool because he uses the word "denouement" in a column title.  He thinks it'll get him laid.  We're here to tell him; it won't.

JSF's Crystal Ball - In case you miss "Pardon the Interruption" this afternoon and aren't able to hear Mr. Kornheiser's take on the Jets/Chargers Monday Night game, we'll go ahead and tell you what happens ahead of schedule. Phrases such as "he was trying too hard", "interceptions come when you're pressing", "well, someone needs to make plays", and "that's just Brett trying to take over a game" will be stated. Oh, and something about learning a new playbook.