"I think the Monday Football Column is the best football column online because the Monday Football Column knows who it is." - Trent Dilfer

Todd McShay labels orgasm "explosive" after Jacoby Jones touchdown

Nearly halfway through a wild one in Houston, Texans receiver Jacoby Jones returned a punt 70 yards for a touchdown. It had to be a special moment for Scouts Inc. honcho Todd McShay, because McShay knows Jones well. Like, so, so well. McShay knows Jones so well that he was able to accurately predict that Jones would be drafted 73rd overall by the Texans in the 2007 draft. Yes, he didn't get one other pick right in the 2nd and 3rd rounds of his mock draft, but he flat out called Jacoby Jones. That's because they're boys; they're player-media soul mates.

As for the Texans, not only did they get their first win of the season, they also improved to 4-0 all time against the Dolphins. This is a team that has 33 wins in 6+ seasons and four of the wins have come against the only team in history to go undefeated for an entire season. I assume that means Houston will always lose to Tampa Bay, seeing as the '79 version of the Bucs is the "worst" team of all time.

Sure enough, the Texans lost 16-3 to Tampa Bay in 2003. We'll conveniently fail to remember last season's 28-14 victory over the Bucs. Luke McCown started that game anyway, so it shouldn't have counted.

Tony Romo no longer leading the league in smiles

Given that Sunday marked the 10th straight game Terrell Owens failed to tally at least 100 yards receiving, the voices in Tony Romo's head have to be getting more emphatic and increasing in frequency. There's one voice in the in the back corner of his brain screaming "GIMME DA BAWL! GIMME DA BAWL!" immediately followed by "he my quatowback ... sniff*whimper*cry ... that's my quatowback". The voices start out slow but eventually morph into a techno remix freestyle.

While that's playing on one end, the sense of impending doom that resonates from within warns "Don't drop the ball! Don't drop the ball! ... You, you, you dropped the damn ball! I SAID DON'T DROP THE BALL!". Romo was credited with three fumbles Sunday, but he really dropped it five times. One such fumble was saved by the never-ceasing-to-amaze "tuck rule", another was saved by the officials blowing the play dead. He's officially fumbled six times this season and doesn't have one unbroken plate in his kitchen collection. That's actually not on Tony, though, because his girlfriend thinks the plates are "really cool heavy Frisbees".

As an aside, Pete Morrelli should be the referee for every Cowboys game. His skills as a principal really come in handy, and could really have an impact on children like T.O., Adam Jones, Tank Johnson, Patrick Crayton and Jerry Jones. Note: Romo is out 4 weeks with a broken finger. No more smiles.

Report: Wade Phillips has football-playing bastard son



Vikings about as lucky as Brad Childress if he grew hair out of his skullet

For the second week in a row, the lucky Vikings won ugly. They got a lucky chunk of yardage on a ticky-tack pass interference penalty on the final drive to set up Ryan Longwell's game winning field goal. It also marked the second week in a row the Vikings got a lucky gift from the officials. Last Monday night, the lucky Vikings recovered a Reggie Bush fumble when Bush was clearly facemasked. The lucky Vikings also got a lucky gift last week when Adrian Peterson fumbled but "didn't" because the play had already been ruled dead.

And to truly illustrate this lucky theorem, Lions quarterback Dan Orlovsky volunteered two points to Minnesota in the 1st quarter when he ran out of bounds in his own end zone -- unknowingly. If he had done a handspring back flip out of the end zone, I could see why you'd trade two points for it, but to run out of bounds and continue running as if you're wearing a blindfold is stupid -- and lucky for the Vikings. Oh, the Vikings won by two points yesterday.

Some say it's better to be lucky then good, but I say it's better to eat Lucky Charms. They're magically delicious, and a nutritious part of this balanced breakfast.

Holmgren, Payton laugh about starting Charlie Frye



Incredulous Holmgren implores referees to credit Frye interceptions to Packers



Mangini to name fourth son "Drunken Limp Pervert" in honor of famous Jets quarterback

Two days before the Jets disposed of the Bengals like the corpse of a cheap whore, Eric Mangini and his wife named their third son Zack Brett Mangini, with the son's middle name in honor of Brett Favre (he plays for the Jets now). Even better Favre celebrated his 39th birthday the same day Zack was born. Next time someone tells you Brett the Jet was born from a female Mangina, they might be telling the truth.

The corpse of a cheap whore Bengals dropped to 0-6 for the third time this decade. They rushed 21 times for 43 yards, with 23 of the yards via the legs of quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick. The good news in all this mess is that Chad Eight Five (press SAP Button) Ocho Cinco finished with a blistering season high 57 yards on five catches. Everybody, do the River Dance on three! 1 ... 2 ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Goodell fines Georgia Dome crowd for excessive celebration

As a result of their actions during Week 5, Minnesota's Antoine Winfield, Miami's Ronnie Brown, Vernon Carey and Ikechuku Ndukwe (I totally copied and pasted that name), and Philly's DeSean Jackson and Quintin Demps each received $10,000 fines for excessive celebrating.

At this point, Roger Goodell should take his anti-celebration campaign to the rest of mainstream America. If you're in the gallery at the Masters and Tiger Woods sinks a putt, you better not go beyond a few golf claps, lest you want to pay a citizen's fine to the NFL commissioner. And political campaign rallies? Don't get excessive; excessive celebrating is dangerous and may be hazardous to your health.

Grateful Belichick appreciative he's not the ugliest coach in the stadium

Unpaid, Un-real Testimonial for the NFL Car Experience

Dear National Football League,

I recently saw your ad in the paper for the virtual experience in the all new "NFL Car" at IMAX theaters. Since the "Michael Vick Experience" got derailed over a year ago, I haven't been able to truly "live" the NFL -- I figured this could be worthy of my time and hard-earned money.

I think I made the right decision.

The trek started out with some good old fashioned blow, as Matt Jones joined me in the passenger seat and began cutting all the blow with his credit card. Michael Irvin would have been so proud, LOL! We drove to a park and played a sandlot game with some local youths. To our surprise, we were joined by none other than Lawrence Phillips, who dominated for us out of the backfield. After we got pissed at the bratty kids for what we deemed holding, Phillps suggested a wildly original idea to get in our rental car and attempt to run the sons of bitches over. It was freaking great. Such a thrill ride!

Driving onto a dirt and grass field can get the car dirty, though, so we took a trip to Marvin Harrison's car wash where we were bombarded by random gunfire. I honestly thought I was going to die!!! Lo and behold, we survived the wash and left with a sparkling car. As we were pulling out of the lot, Plaxico Burress took a metal bat to the front and back fenders just for good measure. As he put it, "Ain't no way you send a rental car back in good condition!"

We sped away and drove recklessly on Lance Briggs Avenue, until we crashed into tree. We then fled the scene as if nothing happened. Trust me when I say, SOMETHING HAPPENED!!! Even though it was "virtual" reality, I was tempted to call the police to tell them the car was stolen, LOL!

Long story short, I loved the ride. Keep up the good work NFL.

-- A grateful fan

Ps: I know of one other notable football player who could rent the car to us for the updated car experience. He actually used to be a pitchman for a rental car company and then bludgeoned two people! Only thing the ride is missing is double murder, LOL!