We always like when famous people are those that we relate to. We like hearing about guys boozing and stumbling out of bars, or listening to them discussing their favorite games on the Wii, or what their opinion is on random topics (unless it is Curt Schilling). One could even make the argument that what won the last three presidential elections for the winners were that they were people that regular people wanted to hang out with. More specifically with athletes, we like when their bodies look like ours—bad.

This week’s Top 7 explores the worst bodies in sports, and if you notice the entries on the list, they pretty much are universally beloved players in their respective sports. We can relate to them. It gives us hope that maybe we still have a shot at the pros…that and developing a knuckleball at age 36. Thanks to Austin Windey for suggesting this week’s topic.

7. Fernando Valenzuela

It has been too long since there has been a “attach some or all of a guy’s name”-Mania in baseball. 2001 gave us Ichiro-Mania. Someone must come along next year and give us a Mania. Fernando-Mania may have been the biggest Mania of them all. We have also had plenty of duds—Irabu-Mania didn’t work out so well (though it made for some good Seinfeld jokes), and Fukodome-Mania pretty much fizzled out. Nomo-Mania led to the legendary Harry Caray quote, “Look at all the orientals at the park today.” Fernando Valenzuela had a striking resemblance to a toad.



6. CC Sabathia

From a general baseball standpoint (and not as a non-Brewer NL Central team fan), it’s a shame that the Yankees are going to pay him $600 billion and that he is going to leave Milwaukee. Milwaukee was a perfect place for him. He fit in well with the atmosphere there. You could just imagine him if he were not playing, being one of the thousands of people in the Miller Park lot on a random Tuesday evening tailgating pre-game, scarfing down brat after brat in between best-of-seven games of taps. If you have never been to a Brewers home game, it is something that must be done. No matter the day or the time of year, there will be people tailgating.



5. John Kruk

Kruk’s appearances on the David Letterman show in the early to mid 90s were some of the best athlete talk show appearances of all-time. The question is…what happened? Where is that type of self-deprecating deadpan humor on Baseball Tonight? Blame it on ESPN yet again to take a funny personality, throw a suit on it, and force it to discuss why the Yankees can win 130 games in a season, and thereby ruin a potential Barkley of baseball commentary.



4. Kirby Puckett

Puckett is a position player’s Sabathia. Even though he looked like that he would barely be able to get around the bases, Puckett somehow did everything that a guy with A-Rod’s body could do. He stole bases, manned center field, and finished in the top seven in MVP seven times. [Editor's note: Kirby was the baseball hero of childhood era Josh Bacott. He has attempted to follow in the same physical-shape path.]



3. Mick Foley

Even though Vince McMahon liked to put gigantic fat men into top spots in the WWF/E, very rarely would they get to the very top as champion. Foley was different. He looked nothing like any champion before him, and when you saw him for the first time, you thought, “is this serious?” It was only after watching him in action after awhile that you come to appreciate one of the most entertaining wrestlers of all-time. His interviews and books are just as entertaining. Who could possibly not love Mankind/Dude Love/Cactus Jack?



2. Oliver Miller

In sports like baseball or golf or, depending on the position, football, it’s understandable how one can get a bad-looking body. But basketball? It’s a wonder of the universe how Miller was able to perform in NBA games. Neil deGrasse Tyson should investigate it on Nova Science Now.



1. John Daly

No one is ever really clear on what the term “man’s man” really means, but John Daly is it. Take your average college drunk and ask them what they would be like if they were famous, and they would be John Daly. There really isn’t anything else to change, he is actually a living creation of it. The created version of the true man’s man would pass out outside of a Hooter’s. The created version of the true man’s man would take random pictures with topless girls and get topless himself. If someone created John Daly as a fictional character, it would not be believable. And he also has a very bad body, and is probably quite proud of it. If Artie Lange were an athlete, he would be the exact same way.



The Top 7 is written by Jason Major. He eats an extra order of bacon every morning just give himself a shot at professional athletics. Email him at jason@joesportsfan.com.