Top 7 Headquarters has a mandatory policy of at least one wrestling-related list per quarter, and we are simply reaching the quota.   The wrestling theme song is a work of art.  In music, you have your classics: “Mmm Bop,” “See You Again,” and “Whoomp!  There it is” come to mind immediately.  You are already probably humming your favorite wrestling tune simply in anticipation of this upcoming list.  The WWF theme song soundtrack that was released in 2002 is the third-best selling soundtrack of all-time, trailing only “Dirty Dancing” and “The Bodyguard.”  OK, that may not be true, but it definitely should be.  Onto the list of the Top 7 best wrestling theme songs, and since it’s a festive week, each will feature the Christmas song that it most relates to.

7. The Undertaker

Who doesn’t get hyped by hearing the bongs of the Undertaker’s music?  Its partner in Christmas songs would have to be that dark, depressing song with the last line “…the snow turned into…rain.”  Every time you hear it this time of year you wonder why in the world it’s considered a Christmas song, and why in the world people would want to hear it.

6. Billy Gunn

Only wrestling could provide an outlet for a song that contains the opening lyric “I’m an ass man…yeah I’m an ass man” to be played in front of 20,000 people on a continual basis, with no one ever batting an eye.  Also, his “Four Words: Check Out My Ass” shirt is highly underrated.  For suggestive, bizarre Christmas songs, you would have to go with “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” especially since some versions include Santa tickling Mommy.  If you consider songs about men’s asses morbid, there is nothing more so than “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.”  Let’s joke about grandma being annihilated by a giant moose.

5. Stone Cold

The sound of shattering glass will forever be linked to Steve Austin.  Since his era was the first where someone’s theme music played even when the wrestler came out unannounced, it is also synonymous with crowds going completely insane.  When Hogan’s music played, there was at least prior knowledge that he was about to enter the arena.  With Stone Cold, it could be completely unannounced, glass shatters, crowd goes apecrap.    “Up on the House Top” also features a sound effect---“click click click, down through the chimney with good Saint Nick.”  Santa Claus has more nicknames than a member of Wu-Tang.

4. Macho Man

How many high school graduates between the years 1987 and 1996 mentioned during their graduation that they were coming out to Macho Man’s theme song?  For the good of society, I am hoping that the percentage is at least 58%.  I’m also hoping that the people who actually thought that the graduation was using Macho’s theme song was around 25%.  Seems like a good number.  Nowadays, graduates should come out to one of the phenomenal tracks on Macho’s album “Be a Man.”  The Christmas song most similar to Savage’s theme song is probably the Charlie Brown “Christmas Time is Here”—both were played at large school gatherings.

3. HHH

Entire wrestling introductions would have to be a separate category, and HHH’s may well finish first with the “spit the water” trick, though Mr. Perfect’s “spit the gum” trick would be close, especially since Albert Pujols now does something similar with his bat and his gum.  Both of HHH’s theme songs have been outstanding, pretty hard hitting, so the Christmas song most like them would have to be “Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto” from the Death Row Christmas album.

2. Ric Flair

Much like Macho, Flair took a very famous song and made a large percentage of the population have it forever linked to him.  For this, its Christmas pairing would have to be Jingle Bells, as it is probably the most famous Christmas song that there is, though it’s debatable.

1. Hulk Hogan

Some have mentioned making “Real American” the national anthem of the United States.  These people are not only correct, but they are geniuses.  Playing this before a sporting event would create the most intense games ever played because the participants would be so hyped.  The best Christmas song ever is “All I Want For Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey.  There are definitely similarities between her and Hulk Hogan.

Kind of Related: this is awesome. So is this.