"I guarantee this column doesn't get linked on NFL.com." - pat imig 

Dear National Football League,

It was good seeing you again yesterday.  That said, um, we need to talk.  This probably isn't the best time but there isn't a best time.  I'm going to say what I say with as much respect possible, but I'm serious right now; you're really starting to piss me off.  Again, I know this isn't the right time because I've got a column to write and I know you don't want to hear it, especially this time of year, but I can't allow the crap to continue.  And that's what it is.  Crap. 

And I can assure you that your piss-inducing antics have nothing to do with my hometown Rams morphing back to their 90s roots of embarrassing, lifeless football on and off the field.  Then again, that hasn't helped matters, either.  I mean, this team is a freaking mess.  I don't think people outside of St. Louis truly understand or appreciate how inept and ineffective the team leadership up top is.  What was recently a maddeningly frustrating team has become comically bad.

Scott Linehan is a cavalier without a horse and weaponry.  On game day when he's gazing into his play chart, he looks like he can't find his car in the mall parking lot.  And it's too bad, because Jim Haslett's defense has played hard all year long.  With a good offense, the Rams D would be in the upper half of the league.  And Jesus, John Shaw is the team president and lives in Los Angeles.  No wonder the team's promotions and advertising department sucks as bad as the on field product: the president is out of state and the team owner may not actually exist.  

Sorry about that digression.  I just had to get a little bit of fan frustration off my chest. 

As I was trying to say earlier, NFL, you're starting to piss me off.  It's like you've started to believe your own hype and think you're so freaking cool.  Frankly, I think you're acting like an idiot and I don’t think it’s cool, cute or funny.  You've gotten too big for your britches, NFL.  You've taken a good thing and used it to inspire an exponential mutation.  You're #1 in sports.  You're the most popular!  !YAY! 

Yeah, we get it, NFL.  Your "I'm the greatest thing in the world" attitude sucks and makes you very unattractive --- and that's not why I always thought you were so cool.  That’s not why I fell for you as a kid when I didn’t even have a hometown team to cheer for.

You used to be THE sporting event of the week in a pool of hundreds of alternatives.  It was because the game was good and the game was the focus and the story week in and week out.  In today’s media driven culture, you've sold yourself out to constant hype and hyperbole. 

For the last time, NFL: WE DON'T GIVE A F*** ABOUT RAY LEWIS!  He's not as good as he once was and on top of that, his antics have become a parody of Ray Lewis antics.  Ray Lewis' "emotion" is as contrived as Brett Favre hoisting Greg Jennings on his shoulders.  “Hey, where’s the camera?  Great.”  He's a freaking caricature.  Last  Monday night, I didn't need to see Ray crying incessantly about Sean Taylor as if he was the only person on the field affected.  Ray didn't even play with Sean Taylor... but Vince Wilfork did and the freaking ESPN production crew never even recognized it.  AND WILFORK WAS PLAYING IN THE GAME! 

Christ I'm sick of Ray Lewis.  And I'm sick of being subjected to the Ravens on national broadcasts.  They suck out loud.  Even in their “prime”, they were never fun to watch because they sucked on offense.  

Again, I'm sorry I’m talking about all this with you now, but I can't freaking take it anymore.

You, NFL, show no respect to the people who put you on your pedestal.  The fans and a quality on-field product are responsible for making the NFL "the most popular sport in the world" and yet, ever since you turned into the 24 hour horn-tooting machine, that aspect, that simple recipe for league prosperity, has seemingly taken a back seat. 

Real quick, show of hands, how many of you NFL teams are actually good, smart football teams? 

Let’s see, one, two, three, four, five….  The Patriots, Colts, Steelers, Cowboys and Packers are better than good.  After that, it’s a crapshoot.  And some how, teams like the 49ers, Rams, Falcons, Bengals, Jets, and Dolphins are professional teams, even though they suck worse than Keith Olbermann.  But at least that's something related to the game and can be remedied with the appropriate leadership.  Your attitude, however, cannot.

You, NFL, show no respect to your former players, either.  Pretty sad that the human beings who paved the way for your success are more or less left for dead on the side of the road.  It's embarrassing that 2007 will end with Mike Ditka still fighting for the health and well being of your foundation, NFL. 

It all stems from your "I'm the greatest thing in the world" attitude.  It sucks.  You would slowly crumble without us and you know it -- and that's what makes your attitude even worse.  You know that fans will always be there and that even if they wanted to turn away in droves, your media prowess would continually cram everything down their throats and suck them back in like a vacuum.  You abuse your privilege with us, and it really is a shame.  Shame on you, NFL.

Aside from your pompous attitude and a lot of crappy teams residing in the league, the excessive media coverage has allowed players the chance to guarantee victories.  QUIT ALREADY, MORONS.  You don't win anything extra by winning a guaranteed game, nor do you lose anything (other than credibility and our attention) by losing a guarantee.  No one gives a shit for a reason. 

And don't act like you have no control over it, NFL.  You like it.  You like whatever will get people talking.  Any contrived story that "adds to the game" is okay in your book.  It's a reason the Ravens are on national broadcasts so many times, because Ray Lewis and his defensive cronies are paper champions:  all they freaking do is talk.  And you know what's funny about that?  No one gives a shit about Ray Lewis, either.  I guess what I'm saying is that Ray Lewis represents everything that is bad about you, NFL. 

Glory hound.  Selfish.  Annoying.  Loud.  Phony. 

And for the love of Allah, could we please get a good studio show?  One that shows highlights?  (Note to those of you in the mainstream media reading this: if I even hear you THINK “they need a Charles Barkley type”, I’ll find you and throw you through a make believe glass window.) 

I can’t sit through ESPN Countdown because it’s two hours of Emmitt Smith and Chris Berman.  NBC’s studio show is horrific, awkward and a good example of trying to get too cute with “cutting edge NFL productions”.  Fox’s studio show is symbolic of the NFL because it’s been “the number one pregame show” for years and continually flaunts this fact, even though the show has dwindled down to 60 minutes of loud, insufferable laughter and Frank Caliendo impressions. 

At least with CBS, James Brown is running point, but the show makes an obvious attempt at forcing Shannon Sharpe into the “starring role”, which sucks worse than the flu - but nearly as bad as small pox.  On the whole, CBS’ studio show is not what a number one pregame show should be.  If you want it to be good, have James Brown and Boomer Esiason on set and no one else.  

Again, I’m sorry if I handled this improperly and let my emotions get the best of me (I was just channeling my inner Ray Lewis, I suppose).  You’re a great sport and you always will be, NFL.  The reason you’ve pissed me off so much is because you're my NFL, and you always will be.  And no matter what, I’ll always be there for you, even if you continue to treat me like a joke.  It's not worth it to me to go on hating the game because you've poisoned it.  Life is too short.  I won’t ever stop caring for you, and I certainly won't harbor all this ill will on gamedays, I just wish you’d be honest and admit some of your faults. 

I won’t hold my breath, though.  You’ll probably keep your tail in between your legs and pretend we never had this talk.  You’ll continue pulling your crap and live in denial.  Whatever.  It’s your life.  You do what makes you happy.

But just think about where I’m coming from.  It’s the least you could do. 

I deserve that.

--PATRICK--

The Monday Football Column is written by Pat Imig.  He's hoping NFL will consider some of his observations.  Email him at patrick@joesportsfan.com