With everyone in sports spending the last week eagerly anticipating the results of their Mitchell Investigation Office Pools, the JSF staff has worked tirelessly to piece together some early results from the report.  After exhaustive research, thousands of interviews, millions of dollars spent, here are some of the preliminary findings of the report

Kevin Mitchell



Tested for obscenely high levels of menthol and eucalyptus oil, two of the primary active ingredients in Vick's Vapo Rub, which Mitchell attributed to his eating of the product for several years. 

Dennis Mitchell



Believed to have ingested small doses of cyanide which were mixed into his toothpaste by Mr. Wilson

Tommy Mitchell Herr 

Oversized perm? 

 

You betcha.  There's a reason for that.

Mitch Webster



Prolific use of Aquanet hair spray containing HGH

Mitch Williams

 

Believed his own sweat was a performance enhancing drug and did not shower for periods of up to three weeks at a time.

Hurricane Mitch



The storm was third major hurricane of the 1998 Atlantic hurricane season, and at the time, the strongest Atlantic hurricane ever observed in the month of October, which led many experts to blame Mitch's use of higher temperatures caused by the human abuse of aerosol sprays which caused violent storms. 

Stump Mitchell



Spent considerable time lying on the AstroTurf at Busch Stadium which was later confirmed to have contained hazardous materials.