Flashback to circa 1990 

I’m not stupid.  I know that I’m not going to be a professional sports star.  I’ll leave that to guys like Darrell Porter, Bob Horner and Danny Ferry, you know, the pure athletes.   

I’ve got what the scouts like to call a “husky” physique and the fact that I have to wear Kurt Rambis sport glasses whenever I take the field isn’t helping my cause either.  I have no intention of becoming a front office type; and I don’t even really want to be a sportswriter.  But just because I’ve lost hope in the conventional professions, don’t think for a minute that I’m not going to make millions off of the sports world. 

I got a rock solid plan to ensure that I become the Gordon Gekko of my generation.  My fortune resides inside the doors of my own personal Wall Street – otherwise known as the Baseball Card shop.

The way I see it, baseball cards are more of a sure thing than Kid N' Play's career.  We haven’t had a crop of future superstars like we have now in a long time.  Twenty years from now, we’ll be thanking God that we had a chance to watch these well-oiled machines in their prime.  The late 80’s will be seen as the golden age of baseball…and because of my ability to sniff out future Hall of Famers, I’ll be reaping the benefits.      

As long as I pay attention to the up arrows in the Beckett Monthly, grab some “Rated Rookies” and hold on to them, people will be banging down my door to get their hands on my collection. 

Take a look at these babies:

1986 Jose Canseco Rated Rookie
That blue “Rated Rookie” might as well just be a bunch of dollar signs.  There is really no reason to believe anything can stop Jose Canseco from being a Hall of Famer.  Maybe even the best player in history.  He definitely has the mustache for it.  The way I see it, this card alone could pay my way through college.  And I’m not talking Flo Valley; a Canseco rookie card is going to set me up in the Ivy League.  As a matter of fact, if I can get my hands on a few more of these puppies, I might just buy the whole Ivy League.

 

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1987 Mike Greenwell
Ted Williams better watch out.  Mike Greenwell is coming for him.  The dude pumps out hits like the Fine Young Cannibals.  There’s no doubt in my mind that Greenwell will be the one to lead the Sox back to the top.  I figure that when all is said and done, Greenwell will probably be amongst the top 5 or 10 best hitters in league history and I’ll have his mint condition 1987 Topps rookie card in my safe, locked up and ready to hit the open market when the time is right. 

How much do Ferrari’s cost?

 

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1987 Ruben Sierra
This guy will probably dominate the league until he’s 40.  I have a feeling that when I go to buy my first mansion, I might be able to put down a pretty hefty down payment by slipping the seller one of these babies.  9,000 square feet always had a nice ring to it.  I think I’ll name the Eastern side of the house the “Sierra Wing”. 

 

 

 

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1990 Todd Zeile
I heard a rumor that Todd Zeile hit an 850 foot homerun in AA ball.  I heard another rumor that his sweat was considered an aphrodisiac in some South American cultures.  Bottom line is that the dude is as much a sure thing as there has ever been in baseball. 

With this card in my pocket, 20 years from now I should be able to watch the game where the Cardinals retire his number from my luxury suite with my two or three supermodel “friends”.

 

 

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1989 Gregg Jefferies
I have this one stashed away in a military grade plastic case that can withstand a direct shot from an M-16 semi automatic assault rifle.  Good thing too, because if I want to retire at the age of 30 as planned, Gregg Jefferies is going to play a big role. 

I mean the guy hit like .450 in his first couple of months in the big leagues.  Three words – can’t miss prospect. Six more words – I’m going to be freaking rich.

 

 

 

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1984 Cory Snyder
I was thinking that I might look good on a yacht. 

Mr. Snyder agrees with me. 

 

 

 

 

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1983 Ron Kittle
I’ve been looking at the stats, and I’m pretty certain that Ron Kittle is going to break Hank Aaron’s homerun record one day.  This guy is a monster – 35 bombs in his rookie year.  By the year 2000, I’m thinking the Federal Reserve will probably take the necessary steps to make Ron Kittle cards recognized as US currency.  His rookie cards might one day replace $100 bills.  I think it would be smart to get on board the Kittle Express Train because it’s headed to Cooperstown…and I’ll be in the driver’s seat.

 

 

 

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1989 Sportflics Complete Set
This year was so stacked with sure things, I just went and bought the whole set.  Only instead of buying just a Topps or Fleer set, I went ahead and grabbed the Sportsflics set.  It’s freaking incredible.  It’s like having three cards in one.  Whoever invented these cards is probably going to win a Nobel Prize within the next year or two. 

Listen to the names of this rookie class – Jerome Walton, Dwight Smith, Derek Lilliquist, Gregg Olson, Craig Worthington, Jim Abbot.  I can’t even begin to fathom how much the Abbot card will be worth.  Think about it - an optical illusion-enhanced rookie card of a one-armed Hall of Fame pitcher could go for millions.  That thing will be like the Hope diamond.  Needless to say, this set has been tucked away in a high security safe deposit box.  I even floated the security guard a Todd Worrell rookie to keep an extra eye on it.  Something tells me it’s going to be safe.

 

That is a serious collection, if I must say so myself.  The way I see it, people who invest their money in anything other than baseball cards are wasting it.  Oh well, their stupidity is my gain.  I’ll keep my eyes out for suckers, prospects and sure things and soon enough I’ll be kicking my feet up on easy street.  Names like Kevin Maas, Ben McDonald, Danny Tartabull, I’ve got their cards in a safe place.  There’s no telling how much I’ll be worth in a few years.  And don’t get me started on basketball cards.  I got a Harold Minor rookie that is ready to explode.

What could happen?  It’s not like these players aren’t going to be stars.

JSF Weekly is written by Josh Bacott.  He's not rich. E-mail him at jsf@joesportsfan.com