On a recent episode of HBO Real Sports, Bryant Gumbel did a feature story on the rapidly expanding issue of binge drinking at NFL games.    

Now as a proud resident of St. Louis, home to the largest brewery in the world, I certainly can’t hate on anyone for enjoying a few beverages before, during or after the game (JSF always preaches responsible drinking of course), but as the Real Sports piece highlights, there’s probably a loose set of rules most people should abide by, chief amongst them “avoid getting to the point where I have to walk through a puddle of my own vomit to get to the gates before the game”.   After watching some of the meatheads featured in the piece, you have to admit that it has a tendency to go a little overboard. 

We all know that professional sports leagues are wrapped up with beer companies like Peter King in Brett Favre bed sheets, so no one is breaking any ground here, but just how entrenched are beer and alcohol into the NFL culture?

There’s one place that provides all the answers, a place that Bryant Gumbel foolishly ignored – eBay.  If anything will give you a taste of how reliant the two cultures are on one another, it’s the largest shopping mall in the world. 

Say you’re a passionate Patriots fan surfing the world of internet auctions to find that perfect gift to buy yourself in celebration of the 18-0 run to the Super Bowl (and we don’t pick on Patriots fans for any reason; judging from the Real Sports piece it’s Redskins fans that everyone should be deathly afraid of).  What kind of trinkets will you run across that might serve as subtle reminders to take one last trip to the six person beer bong before watching the game? 

It starts out innocent enough, when amidst the hundreds of Brady jerseys and commemorative pins for sale you see a simple tool of the drunken NFL fan – the beer mug.   Whether you want to go cutting edge and chug out of a fresh-out-of-the-box Patriots Super Bowl ’08 Mug or you want to go more old school and tip back the classic Mt. Rushmore-style chiseled stein, you’re in luck.  Take your pick.

    

Even if you’re draining them too fast to bother pouring them into a mug, one thing you still have to consider is how to keep your brew donkeys cold, right?  Koozies are your friend.  No matter if you’re drinking a refined Sam Adams ale or crushing cans of Natural Light, you’re assured of it staying as chilly as Peyton Manning when he catches a glimpse of Rodney Harrison. 

   

And there’s a reason they call those “cold ones”.  That reason is because you stuffed 18 of them into your snazzy new Pats cooler complete with NFL logo zippers.  If ever there is a justification for a man to carry around man purse, this is it. 



If you happen to be drinking at your home bar during the game – and that would probably be a service to all – impress your boys by topping the beer tap with a half naked broad in a Pats jersey.  The only thing better would be if this were Brady with the cropped shirt and the come-hither look.  That handsome bastard. 



Once you’ve got your pre-game sixer down, you should be lubed up enough to break out your fan attire for the day.  No self-respecting drunken hooligan football fan would enter a stadium or watch a game without wearing some form of apparel to show his/her support.   For those who claim this next item isn’t alcohol related, we challenge you to show us someone wearing one who isn’t completely bombed.  Won’t happen. 



Overlooking the viewing area are two glowing symbols of beer’s prominent place in the culture – a neon sign featuring the Patriots logo hand-in-hand with the King of Beers and a poster of your personal hero, Tedy Bruschi.  That’s right, even the players are named brewsky.  

 

And then when the day has come to an end and another victory has been celebrated, you can make sure that your loyalty extends to the area where you plan on bedding down for the night. 



The more we think about it, we’re starting to question – is it the NFL that has been completely invaded by the beer industry, or the other way around?

JSF Weekly is written by Josh Bacott.  The only agenda he had in writing this column was trying to find a way to post a Captain America Patriots mask.  E-mail him at josh@joesportsfan.com