Working out at a public facility can be a daunting task.  The side effects of exercising next to meatheads you don't know, employees who appear to be more out of shape than you, and relieving yourself in a locker room of nude strangers is never a good time.  It isn't enough that you've gotten your ass to the gym, now you've got to deal with all of the crap that comes with it. 

Through careful observation, I've come up with 13 rules for all of us to follow to make our future visits to the workout facilities a smoother, more enjoyable experience.  It's not rocket science people. 

Stage I: Pre-Workout

1. Quick and Quiet at the Counter
Note to all card-scanners behind the counter: I'm not your friend, so please just swipe my card and send me on my way.  And none of this buddy/buddy name-calling.  No "hey boss", "chief", "dog" and don't even ask how I'm doing today.  If you must, say hello and act like you expect nothing in return (I will say hello in appreciation for your friendliness).  I'm not here to converse, I'm here to work out and leave in as short a time possible.  The least I expect in return is to stay out of my way, unless your help is called upon of course. 

1B. Dude, Just Swipe Me Already
I just walked into the lobby and guess what?  You still haven't scanned my card.  I realize you're trying to fill out the paperwork for Linda over there, but it takes all of five seconds to grab my card and place it under a scanner.  And there is no need to check my photo identification.  I'm here four to five days a week and you've seen me enough to know I'm a member.  Besides, you just called me "Boss" and I could swear that meant we were boys.

2. Less is More in the Locker Room
As much as I expect out of the employees behind the counter, I expect the same from everyone in the locker room.  Unless you're one of my friends outside of the workout experience, there is no need to talk to me. 

3. If Your Locker Resembles a GNC Store, You Shouldn't Talk to Me Anyway
I'm all for "optimizing your workouts", and I've even dabbled in protein shakes and supplements in the past, but please, just keep all that to yourself.  If you must bring your personal mixer into the locker room, don't make a scene out of it.  Yeah, I see that your ripped, buddy.  No need to explain to all of us ignorant fools how we could be more like you.  If we wanted as much, we'd stare into the mirror and start talking to ourselves.

You're going to Vegas for a 4 day vacation you say?  And you're gonna munch on protein bars as your daily meals.  Wow.  That's super.  

And please stop spreading out your medicine cabinet across the bench.  I'd prefer to sit on it rather than question why you have a tube of anti-fungal cream.  One other thing: you smell.  Bad.

4. No Effort Shall Be Required in Your Workout Appearance
Dude, there is no reason to fix your frosted tips prior to the workout (just as there is no reason to frost your tips).  And what's with the color coordinated spandex?  The biker shorts are bad enough, but the color coordinated socks and shoes put the apparel over the top.  Did you stuff a sock down there or are you just trying to show off?  I got news for you, color coordinated spandex and exaggerated junk hasn't been cool since Mr. Perfect won the Intercontinental Title.  You don't really have a set of shoes for each pair of biker shorts and shirts, do you? 

Stage II: The Workout

5. Contrary to Popular Belief, Delilah Doesn't Make Me Want to Rip the Weights
You're in a public workout facility and you forgot your Ipod at home.  Damn.  Now you're stuck listening to the Painted Ts and Rihanna over the facility's loud speakers.

"Excuse me, are you the manager?  Yes?  Could you do me a favor and refrain from playing songs that make me feel embarrassed to be alive?"   

6. No Grunting, Please
On those rare occasions when my ears are subjected to the public speakers, the act of grunting can overshadow even the worst of songs.  Come on, man.  This isn't your basement, it's a public place where all of us have to listen to you sound like a drugged baboon.   

7. Congratulations, You Just Pressed 450 lbs.  You Also Suck Out Loud
Few things in life are more impressive than watching a grown man add 45 lb rack after 45 lb rack to the leg-press machine, followed by said grown man hunkering down to press for one repetition.  In fact, repetition might be the wrong word, because it implies "repeating".  Really impressive there, jerky.  You just spent five minutes setting up the machine and 10 seconds pressing one time with your legs.  Bravo. 

Ironically, your upper body is jacked and your legs look like twigs.  Maybe a lighter weight-load and more reps and you'd have a better proportioned body.  With all the time you seemingly spend here, it might be beneficial. 

8. Towels Are Great For Wiping.  I Promise
It's one thing to forget a towel every now and then.  I've been guilty of it before and will probably be guilty of it again in the future.  No problems.  Everyone is allowed to screw up.  But if there's one thing that can replace a workout with fear of a staph infection, it's lying on a bench displaying a silhouette of your sweat.  Don't let it happen again.  And if you're the one who never brings a towel, you can look forward to a vulgar note on the windshield of your car in the parking lot.

9. Take Your Conversation to the Starbucks Up the Street
Don't take this personally, but if you're talking with someone longer than five minutes, get the hell out of here.  Aside from the fact that I can't fathom how much you truly enjoy being here to mingle with everyone, you're clogging up the machines.  Then you have the audacity to tell me you still have "two more sets" when I ask if I can cut in.  Last I checked, chatting like school girls doesn't do much to spawn muscle growth.

10. Don't Ask Me if I Just Saw That Chick Over There
Listen pal, I've got two functioning eyes, and I also fancy myself a heterosexual male.  No need to interrupt my break between sets asking if I just saw her walk by.  Trust me: the corners of my eyes have great visual perception.  In fact, my brain is being infected with porn spam after seeing her.  Keep it to yourself. 

For the record, there is no reason to continue eying me, either.  I don't know you; you don't know me.  We just happen to workout at the same place at roughly the same time throughout the week.  Don't act like I should say hi to you. 

Stage III: Post-Workout

11. Don't Cut Corners
This might seem like a minor quibble, but it can go a long way in showing respect for yourself and those around you: when walking in and out of the locker room, be conscious of the fact that you're not the only one there.  Refrain from speed-walking around sharp corners in the entrance of the locker room, because you might otherwise crash into someone.  No one wants that. 

12. Don't Flex in the Mirror
Flexing in the mirror during a workout sucks, and so does its sister, flexing in the mirror in the locker room.  For the same reason (and then some) you don't grunt while lifting, you need not flex in the mirror.  I don't give a shit you look juiced, leave the mirrors and the rest of us alone.  And what's with your buddy over your shoulder affirming you?  Is he your managing mouthpiece or are you two really close friends? 

13. Nudity Might Be Natural But It's Not a Badge of Honor
Somewhere along the way, the generational gap included "walking around naked as if you're fully clothed."  If you're forced to shower after a workout, no worries.  Simply take care of your business and go on your way.  I should point out that taking care of your business shouldn't include fixing your hair, shaving, or brushing your teeth at the sink and mirror with absolutely no clothes on. 

Of the people who do this, 95% of them are baby boomers and beyond.  Look sir, I respect you and your generation and everything they've done for me as an American, but please put some clothes on.  I'm not homophobic, but I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your towel wrapped around your waist or go put on your whitey tighties before tending to your appearance.   

On the list of things I find enjoyable, staring at old, naked wrinkled men ranks between sitting in traffic and smelling vomit.  Do everyone a favor and put some clothes on, you old bastard.