Three weeks into the NFL season is the perfect time for the media to start changing gears.  The pre-packaged opinions they force fed us in the preseason and through the first two weeks are starting to fall apart and, as a result, they’re busy cranking out new ones based the way the games have shaken out thus far.  The prime targets for these sweeping generalizations are the most recognizable of our helmeted warriors – the quarterbacks.  

Going into the season, the media brought to the forefront numerous QB related storylines – Steve McNair’s triumphant return to greatness and Daunte Culpepper’s miraculous comeback from knee surgery to name a few.  

Most knowledgeable fans were able to separate the real analysis from uneducated hype, but that won’t stop our friends in the MSM from producing more of the latter.  

To give you a preview of what’s to come, we’ll go ahead and predict exactly what you’ll see from your favorite internet and newspaper scribes and the television talking heads.  Expect to be inundated with the following quarterback-related storylines in the next few weeks…

-Eli Manning is an unflappable, comeback specialist (conveniently ignoring his horrific first half performances)

-Steve McNair was overrated to start the season (conveniently ignoring that the only people overrating him were the media)

- Jake Plummer has no reason to look over his shoulder (meaning the attempts at fueling a QB controversy have failed to this point)

- Daunte Culpepper and Ben Roethlisberger came back too early  (maybe their comebacks weren’t so inspiring)

- Brett Favre is still a god amongst men (well, nothing really changed on this one)

- Mike Vick doesn’t need to throw to be successful (now running quarterbacks apparently can succeed in the NFL after we’ve been told for three years that they can’t)

Keep your eyes peeled, if you haven’t seen or heard them yet, you will soon.  

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
“When they try to finesse you, they allow penetration.” – John Madden on the Patriots

Get your mind out of the gutter, Madden.
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“Chris Simms is polite, accommodating, works hard and plays hard. He puts in the work. So when he got off to a slow start this year, it was a bit of a shock.” – Pete Prisco, sportsline.com

It was a shock…to Prisco. The only shock was how head over heels the national pundits were about a quarterback who, going into this year, had 12 career interceptions to 11 touchdowns.  But hey, he sure is polite. 
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“When you look at evil, it’s the (Bears’) defense” – Sterling Sharpe
 
You think it was a coincidence Dr. Loomis hunted down evil in Haddonfield, Illinois?  Not too far from old Soldier Field. 
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“That doesn’t do much, but Michael Vick shows you he has touch.” – Joe Theismann, on an incompletion to Alge Crumpler
 
Vick’s newfound “touch” must have averted him on the other 19 incompletions on the day. 
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“When (Reggie Bush) cuts, his legs don’t go away from him, they stay under him.” – Joe Theismann

Theismann was shocked even more by his observation when Tony Kornheiser pointed out Reggie was participating in an activity humans refer to as “running”.
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“The field has taken away the speed of the Atlanta Falcons.” – Joe Theismann
 
Yet somehow, the Saints had no problems adjusting in their first game on the field rushing for a combined 146 yards.  For the record, Theismann talked up the “field problems” 7 times (that we documented).

I was a Football Player, hence I’m an “expert”
Meet former Cowboys tight end and current msnbc.com “expert” Jay Novacek.  Jay likes to state things in his weekly pick ‘em column that are factually baseless, or make you wonder if he has ever watched a football game he wasn’t playing in.
 
Speak, you silly tight end…
“The Redskins defense is terrific, and it will be even better if the offense can be more consistent.”
 
At the time this was printed – with two weeks of football to analyze - the Redskins ranked 23rd overall in total defense and had allowed 316 yards per game while producing one turnover.  “Terrific” isn’t the word we would have used.  We would have gone with “mediocre”, “inconsistent” or maybe even “Novacek-like.”
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“Lately Houston hasn’t shown the same fire – this team used to be the type that would scare the opposition, but they don’t this season.”

Those expansion teams with a career 18 and 49 record have a history of striking fear in the opposition.
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”St. Louis should be able run the ball much, much better than it has so far with Steven Jackson”
 
Not sure how “much, much” better Novacek wanted Steven Jackson to run in the first two weeks, considering he covered 224 yards on 44 carries for a tidy 5.09 yards per carry.  On Sunday, Jackson ran for an impressive 2.6 yards per carry, meaning that Novacek not only gets credited with crappy analysis but also a crappy prediction as well.  
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”The Giants also proved they have a great defense, shutting down the Eagles in the second half.”
 
Let’s do this again – after two weeks – the Giants defense had allowed 389 yards per game and given up 50 points.  To make matters worse, they got trounced in Seattle this week giving up 333 yards and 6 touchdowns.  Right on the money Novacek. 
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Of course, Novacek wasn’t the only former player or coach (or both) spouting off clearly ridiculous predictions…

“You gotta watch out today, it could be two in a row for the Jags; two shutouts.” – Mike Ditka, ESPN previewing the Colts – Jags matchup.

Going into the game, the Colts were averaging 421 yards and 34.5 points per game.  Basically what we’re saying is, don’t make a fool out of yourself for attention Ditka, the whole Ricky Williams thing in New Orleans took care of that for you.

So there is someone who likes these guys
Last week, firejoemorgan.com featured a link to an article by Cleveland Plains Dealer columnist Roger Brown, where Brown presented his list of what he believed were baseball’s best analysts.  Clearly Mr. Brown is on drugs.  

Joe Morgan (ESPN): The no-nonsense Morgan remains the gold standard for baseball game analysts - he's insightful, informative and, at times, controversial. 

John Kruk (ESPN): The "Baseball Tonight" studio personality clearly does his homework - he has an impressive ability to dissect each team's strengths and weakness. 

Tim McCarver (Fox): There's no denying McCarver's ability to combine baseball wisdom and wit - even if he's often guilty of talking too much. 

Steve Phillips (ESPN): A former New York Mets general manager, Phillips is blunt and opinionated. 

We would respond, but we’re completely speechless.
 
Media Rant of the Week – The Legend of Bill Maas
The date was Sunday, September 25.  The place: Cardinals Stadium in Phoenix, Arizona.  The football world’s premiere mutant took center stage.  He’s been crafted by Media Circus gods; he’s part Theismann, McGuire, Sharpe, Nantz, Ventre, and even Terry Bradshaw.  When he’s not talking, he’s thinking of his next comedic line - or deciding how to convey the simplest of thoughts to what he perceives as his mentally inferior viewing audience.  He’s Bill Maas.

Sixty minutes of football with Maas is the equivalent of a 15 page Mike Celizic column.  While it might be entertainingly awful for a while, by the end it’s shear torture.  

Now then, let’s revisit Bill Maas at his finest hour this past Sunday.

No shit comments
Hey Bill, what’s your take on this challenge by the Cardinals?
“It’s going to be the official’s call.”
 
How many men are in the box trying to stop Steven Jackson?
”You have six men in the box.  Here’s the box, with one, two, three, four, five, six.”

It’s 3rd and Goal for the Rams; what do you think they will do?
”Well, you’d like to see them punch it in.”

Snappy Lines Galore
William, I’m a complete moron incapable of understanding things.  Explain this “men in the box” scheme again.
”All this talk of men in the box is not about Hannibal Lector’s lunch pale.”

Tell us a funny joke…
”What’s on the Dockett?” 
What?
"Darnell!” 

Woe!  Did you just see that hit on Antrel Rolle?
”He got ‘Rolled’!” 

Gosh, Larry Fitzgerald is awesome.  He must have great hands.
“Fitz got mitts!

Blossoming Comedian
That FOX studio show sure is fun.  They love to talk, don’t they Bill?
“They’ve got more chatter than a dolphin by a fish bucket.”

Man, the emotions are high in this game.  Look at the Rams and Cards jawing at one another!
“I told ya, more chatter than a dolphin next to a fish bucket!”

How do they get the grass to look so good in this stadium?  It is Arizona, after all.
”The only grass that grows in the desert is called fairways!”

That in-game highlight of Mike Patterson running back that fumble for a 98 yard TD seemed like it took forever…
“What did they time that with a sun dial?”

Theismann and McGuire Style Commentary
“Watch (Bertrand Barry) on this play.  Watch this.  Watch him pursue.” 
Well there’s really no other alternative than to watch when you’re showing us a replay of Bertrand Berry.

“(Edgerrin James is) only at 16 carries for 87 yards.”
No William; that was the touchdown drive for the Cardinals at 16 plays for 87 yards.

“Look at him shoot the gap between the tackle Brown and (guard) Timmerman.”
The tackle is Barron, not “Brown”.  You’re starting to piss us off.

”You still have two timeouts!” 
No.  No.  No.  The Rams only have ONE timeout left.

”(Steven Jackson) will flat truck you like an 18 wheeler!  He can truck ya!”
Thanks for repeating yourself, bizarro Theismann.

No Freaking Idea
”That look right there (on Leonard Davis) will curl the spaghetti around a fork without a spoon!”
Ummm….

“Tony Fisher is everything you don’t want and everything the coaches want on gameday!”
Our heads are severely spinning right now.

“O.T.(FOX post-game show): is that ‘out of tuna’?”
That’s it, we’re mailing our Congressman.

A Message from the Snappy Line Founder 
Bob has informed us that Maas’ one-game performance ensures a lifetime entry at the Table of Snappy.  He’s figuring he’ll use Maas as the bouncer at the door.  Super thumbs up w/ wink and gunpoint pose from Robert C.

The Media Circus is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.
They swear all this stuff is real.
Email them @ info@joesportsfan.com