"This column has so much savvy."

1st and 8
(because we’re on the 8 yard line and need to get the freaking ball in the end zone.  Stupid red zone inefficiencies…)
<1> The big story going into the Ravens/Chargers contest was Steve McNair’s ability or lack thereof of adapting to the Baltimore offense . Prior to kickoff, McNair’s inability to completely grasp the system was a hot topic for the coaching staff and the talking heads.  Come game-time, however, McNair bucked all those critics proving he has not only fully comprehended the Baltimore passing scheme, but mastered it.  That 1st half interception to Quentin Jammer that was horribly overthrown was vintage Kyle Boller, and the 5 interceptions and near 75 passer rating on the season smells a lot like Scott Mitchell and Chris Redman.

Kudos to the Baltimore Triforce of Genius: a.k.a., Billick, Fassel and Neuheisel, for making this offensive transition so smooth and seamless.

<2> Speaking of the Ravens, their defense had another solid outing holding San Diego to less than 300 total yards of offense.  The linebacker who gets no credit from the national people, Bart Scott, led the team in tackles (15) and added his first interception of the season.  His brash counterpart Ray Lewis looked great whiffing on Ladainian Tomlinson, and getting completely bull-dozed by Antonio Gates in the first half.  They were some of the best missed tackles you’ve ever seen.  Although, to be fair, Lewis did have 10 solo tackles helping to strangle Marty Schottenheimer, who is now just 4 choke losses behind last year’s total of 5.

<3> With Sunday’s win over the Bengals, the Patriots extended their streak of 53 straight games without consecutive losses.  More importantly, they took a hold of the AFC East in a week where Bill Belichick traded verbal trash talk with Chad Johnson.  He also sent some mail to the Johnson household on Friday.  In it, the coach correctly prophesied about Sunday’s outcome, including the game statistics.  Here’s one of the letters Bill sent to Chad…

Chad, after Sunday’s game, you’ll have just 201 yards receiving on the season.  That’s only 12 more yards than your counterpart T.J. Houshmandzedah.  He’s only played in 2 games this year, you know.  It kind of shows that your mouth is more productive than your play on the field.  Also, here’s a riddle for you: roses are red, violets are blue, you’re averaging just 50 yards receiving per game this year.

Bitch.

<4> Fun fact about one of the Week 4 bye teams, the Pittsburgh Steelers: in the first 10 years under Bill Cowher, the Steelers finished outside the top 10 in points allowed just two times.  Both of those seasons occurred during the Jim Haslett era (as defensive coordinator, ‘97-‘99).  Haslett’s Rams defense in 2006 has given up 78 points in four games good for 15th in the league.  Considering Jim will likely get a job as head coach somewhere after his third season, you can predict with certainty a Super Bowl championship for the Rams for the 2015 season based on previous history.  Sean Salisbury has already predicted it will be a “three or four point game” with the Rams winning.  So it must be true… book it.

Oh, and one more fun fact about another Week 4 bye team, the New York Giants: Jeremy Shockey is a certifiable douchebag, and should be tied to a tree and beaten with a wooden spoon.

<5> The Sunday night main event between the Bears and Seahawks had a distinct Brett Favre flavor in that both starting quarterbacks have historically been linked to the Gunslinger.  On one side, you had Matt Hasselbeck, who was Favre’s understudy in Green Bay and was often compared to him early in his Seattle days.  The other side of the coin featured Rex Grossman, who by all accounts has no relationship with/to Favre other than some people say he has some “Brett Favre in him”.  That’s interesting because Hasselbeck hasn’t really had much “Favre” the past three seasons, symbolic of his maturity and discipline on the field averaging just 13 interceptions per season, one would assume.  But in 2006, Hasselbeck’s Favre has seemingly returned, tossing a league leading 7 interceptions in 4 games.  I’d be remiss to fail to mention that this column has some Favre in it as well (and I’m sorry about that).

<6> Prior to Sunday’s beating in Chicago, Tom Brady sent a detailed scouting report for Deion Branch to the previously mentioned Matt Hasselbeck.  In it, Brady described some of the “intangible” qualities to look for on the field with Branch – things like communicating without speaking etc.  Brady also described Branch’s physical skills in detail, adding “His conditioning is second to none.  He is five feet, ten inches of muscle and he’ll explode off the line of scrimmage.  Man, his body is freaking hot!   For a 193 pounder, he sure does pack a lot of clout in that chiseled body of his.  I really miss Deion.  Tell him I love him, mm’kay?”

<7> Interesting to learn Terrell Owens gave Titans cornerback Pacman Jones his game worn shoes following Sunday’s 45-14 victory.  A sign of benevolence from an ego-maniacal, mentally handicapped hypochondriac to an immature, drug using, reporter abusing A—hole.  And it’s clear as day where this is going: Pac-Man will take T.O.’s shoes and put them in Albert Haynesworth’s locker.  At that point, a forensics team will investigate and determine the footprint on Andre Gurode’s head is similar to shoeprints on the shoes found in Haynesworth’s locker pinning T.O. as the head-stomping culprit. 

Neat!

<8> The theme of Week 4: Revenge.  For Corey Dillon, it was rushing for 67 yards and a TD against the Bengals.  For Jake Delohmme, it was a victory over the team who gave up on him in favor of Aaron Brooks, the Saints.  And Michael Vick got revenge on all those people (all 1 of them) who said he was a great passer, throwing one god awful pass across his body that resulted in an interception.  Not only was it a poor throw, but Vick, the fastest man on the field, gave up on the play, allowing Adrian Wilson to return the INT 99 yards for a touchdown.  (I’d like to point out if I was your stereotypical Internet columnist, I would have made the obvious joke that Vick and Matt Leinart on the same field represents the most STD’s on one field in the history of the NFL.  I would also point out that the reason Vick didn’t run after Adrian Wilson on the interception return is because his gonorrhea flared up and burned all the way down to his ankles.  I guess I am that columnist so, um, yeah.) 

The 2 Minute Run ‘N Shoot No Huddle Drill
Steven Jackson…
should have a hall of fame post-football career in Dancing with the Stars.  The way he skips and hops before reaching the line of scrimmage every rushing attempt is amazing.  So fluid and rhythmic!

Joe Gibbs…
hired an assistant to shake Jack Del Rio’s hand after Sunday’s extra quarter of play.

Donovan McNabb…
shocked everyone by consuming New England clam chowder on the Chunky Soup set without choking one time.  Normally New England suffocates McNabb at crunch time.

Ed Werder…
is reporting Bill Parcells ate Fruity Pebbles this morning (Parcells refrained from describing the meal as yabba-dabba-delicious). 

Ray Lewis…
just did a funky dance after successfully pasting a postage stamp on a piece of mail.

Physical Football

Mobile JSF Interception
After last week’s failed attempt to speak with Kurt Warner, Mobile JSF was able to atone for the ‘tech problems’ and document a conversation between God and the newly crowned Arizona backup after Sunday’s loss to the Falcons.  Enjoy…

Hey God, it’s Kurt.  I don’t know if you’ve heard yet, but I’m no longer the starting quarterback.  I fumbled twice and threw a pick, so Matt’s going to start next week.  Can you help me out?

Kurt, um, I don’t know how to say this without upsetting you, but you’re not that good anymore.  You haven’t been that good since 2001.

Really?

Yes; your concussions are still giving you trouble.  Hell, you haven’t been able to grip a ball since you broke your thumb.  What do you expect?

I mean, I don’t know, I praise you and Jesus so much, I was kind of hoping you would heal me. 

Kurt, you had your moment in the sun.  You put up historic numbers for three years in St. Louis.  I think I’ve given you enough.

Fair enough, but why does Matt get the chance?  He lives in a shelter of sin, always participating in premarital sexual activities while the Bible thumping Jesus loving veteran gets shoved aside.  It’s not my fault Denny Green doesn’t devote any resources to the offensive line.

That’s a good point.  Denny Green is a horrible coach.  He wasted all that offensive talent in Minnesota in ’98 and ’99.  I even gave him in an angel in the form of Randall Cunningham and he still messed it up.  I need to keep that in mind for next week.

Why?  What do you mean?

Well, I freaking bet on Arizona to cover the spread yesterday and got completely screwed.  It’s no big deal.   I can get the money back any time I want.

You mean, you gambled on me?

Yeah… just like Tom Coughlin and Denny Green, I gambled on Kurt Warner, and lost.  I should have listened to Moses.  He warned me.

I, I, I don’t know what to say.  Could you just keep me in mind and maybe give me my starting job again?

Sorry, but I’ve already granted my quarterback miracle for the season.

To who?

Chad Pennington.

Aw, Christ.

The Monday Football Column is written by Pat Imig.
He talked to God a few minutes ago, and God was disappointed he used him for humor.
Email him @ patrick@joesportsfan.com

Past Monday Football Columns
Week 1
Week 2
Week 3