As the 2006 college football season reaches its final stages over the next week, we'll have plenty to debate. Ohio State and Florida. Florida or Michigan. Kirk Herbstreit and his sexual preference. Yes siree, there's alot of variables to consider when it comes time for the annual overhype of BSC week.

One thing we can count on: thousands upon thousands of America's future acting like complete mongoloids. It doesn't matter if you're the student counsel president, the flip-cup champion, or the resident geek on campus...when you have a chance for some facetime on national television...you LOVE your team. Sure, you couldn't name your starting quarterback or the name of your school's conference...but who cares, honestly? Getting on national TV kicks ass, right?

Our savvy squad of fan hunters have compiled a list of usual suspects that you can keep your eye on over the upcoming week's festivities.

1.- Retardedly-obvious sign guy

• Probable suspect: Freshman class president
• Team knowledge grade: B+ (well versed in player names and jersey numbers so he can intelligently carry on football conversations with anyone. Just a huge tool.)
• He knows he's smart, everyone in his classes know he's smart, and by golly, his Mom thinks he's a freakin' genius. And, as the recently-appointed freshman class representative, it's up to him to show his peers a little school spirit. Ever since the announcement of ESPN's College Gameday broadcast on campus, he's been sleeping out in the quad - staking his claim for front row. He comes bearing Shaprie markers, posterboard, and plenty witty phrases that include the letters "E", "S", "P", and "N".
  

2.- Front row fan girl

• Probable suspect: "That slutty sorority" Recruitment Chair
• Team knowledge grade: C (Knowledge of football rules: F, Knowledge of team's boxer-or-briefs ratio: A)
• Front row fan girl has been crimping her hair since she woke up this morning hungover. She looks damn good. Fortunately for her, she doesn't have to get out to the stadium early for tickets, or a spot in the student section - she bagged both defensive ends last Friday night at a formal, and has primo seats right behind the end zone. She's very cautious about her stadium-accompanies...only extending invites the equally-slutty-but-not-as-good-looking sorority sisters, so as to enhance her television face time likelihood. This could be her big shot. She will most definitely be wearing a cut-off t-shirt with ripped jean shorts. It's going to be a cold one, but it's business as usual for the front row fan girl.
  

3.- Ridiculous Drunken Costume Guy

• Probable suspect: Frat house President.
  
• Team knowledge grade: D (Whenever a player comes into his house, he offers them a complimentary beer bong. I guess that counts for something.)
• By game time, he'll be 4 Jagger-Bombs and 15 beers deep. Ask him again at half-time, and he'll be "10 Jagger-Bombs and 22 beers deep"...even though the stadium doesn't sell alcohol inside the gates. Ridiculous Drunken Costume Guy has one priority: to make a complete and utter ass out of himself. To accomplish this challenging feat, Ridiculous Drunken Costume Guy runs by the local Goodwills and practically-abandoned Halloween warehouses for anything and everything he can squeeze his fat ass into.
  

4.- Creepy "isn't he a little old, and weird, for the student section" guy.

• Probable suspect: College alumni still living in small college town 5 or more years since graduation.
• Team knowledge grade: D- (Only knows the Quarterback's last name so he always has a "Hey, how about ??" icebreaker at the bar.)
• He doesn't have tickets. He doesn't know anyone going to the game. That's okay - he doesn't have anything else to do...might as well try to pull some young college tail. After all, 8 years ago, he was beatin' the college chickens off with a stick. He usually waits until the third-quarter, and prays for a blowout so the stadium officials take down the turnstiles so open admission is allowed. From there, he'll head straight to the student section, and keep his ears peeled for any indication of the "after game hotspot".
  

• Probable suspect: Our fan hunters haven't nailed down a direct link to any specific group of college students. Results still pending.
• Team knowledge grade: F
• For whatever reason, universities decided to add a secondary mascot to its roster of pep a few years ago - and they're usually way creepier than the normal team mascot seen floating around the stadium. No one really knows why, after all, most schools already have a run of the mill dressed-in-some-sort-of-weird-cotton-animal-suit man. Now, schools pull any ole dude from the student section, dress him up in a Halloween costume, and give him a full scholarship. This phenom can usually be spotted at universities that have a Native American heritage. Apparently, these colleges thought it would smooth over their intrigue with the NCAA if they inserted a white kid dressed as an Indian, slapped him on a horse, and trotted him around the endzone in between quarters.