Memo to Socks: You need to attack your owner
If I owned a dog and needed to get out of town, I surely wouldn’t turn to this man to take care of him in my absence.  And if I was a Great Dane, I would do everything in my power to viciously attack him every chance I that I had.

And wouldn’t you know, the man with the black Chia Pet on his head recently had his Great Dane, Socks, seized from his home after neighbors complained about a starving dog living at the Artest mansion.  The animal services crew stopped by on January 30th, and gave Ronald a 10 Day warning to fix the problem.  On Monday, they took Socks away after the dog appeared to be underfed inside his gated living quarters. 

Fortunately for us, Socks is doing better.  He was kind enough to respond to the underwhelming response of support and concern (unlike that dickhead Barbaro), as a select few well-wishers have sent in cards and prayers for Socks’ speedy recovery.  Below is a few excerpts from a statement written by Socks that his publicist, Kim Etheredge released to the media this morning.

I would also like to thank the tens of tens of people who sent in cards and prayers for a healthy recovery.  There was a point where I lost hope.  I could no longer clean myself. I no longer had the urge to sniff my neighbor’s ass.  Even licking myself didn’t entice me.  After a few days with animal services, I came to and enjoyed a healthy supply of Beggin’ Strips and fresh water.  Being properly hydrated is key. 

Regardless of what Kim or anyone on the outside might allude to, this was not a suicide attempt.  That bastard Ron is lazy and never fed me.  He’s lucky he’s on the road all the time, otherwise I’d maul him like a crazed Grizzly. 

To those of you out there who sent in cards, I thank you.  And to those of you in the media who failed to report the incident and update my daily recovery, all I can say is may God have mercy on your soul.  If he doesn’t, I will see you in Hell (we don’t get to go to Heaven, remember).  What do you want from me?  Do I have to win a horse race to win your hearts?

But I do sincerely thank the few of you who are thinking about me.

Sniffs and Scratches,

Socks