June 16, 2009 marks the 50th birthday of the one and only Ultimate Warrior. And so today, I ask that you step back and celebrate the man who legally changed his name to Warrior, and all of his exploits in and out of the ring.

In late 1987, Jim Hellwig signed with the World Wrestling Federation and became The Ultimate Warrior.  He was an instant fan favorite.  His physique, face-paint, and intensity were original and the fact that he gyrated and yelled while making no sense made him that much more appealing.



Within two years, the Warrior had become the top draw of the company as Hulk Hogan began making atrociously entertaining movies in the dumpsters of Hollywood.  Warrior held the Intercontinental title twice (defeating the Honkey Tonk Man in 32 seconds and regaining the strap from Rick Rude in the summer of ’89) and took his momentum to the spring of 1990 for the fondly remembered clash with Hulk Hogan at WrestleMania VI.

Hogan “passed the torch” to the Warrior that night, and helped lay the foundation for the new era in professional wrestling.  For whatever reason, the new era experiment failed and the WWF jobbed the Warrior out of the title 8 months later to Iraqi sympathizer and real life G.I. Joe, Sgt. Slaughter (don’t ask).

After falling in a contract dispute with one Vincent Kennedy McMahon, the Warrior left the WWF in August of 1991, only to return the following April for what would turn out to be another disaster.  Warrior and McMahon failed to see eye to eye yet again and steroid allegations began creeping in to McMahon’s wrestling world.  By November of ’92 the Warrior was gone from the WWF and running his own typewriter company in Oblivion (I made that part up).

That’s where things get interesting.

Warrior Warrior
In 1993, Jim Hellwig did what any right-thinking professional wrestler coping with the anger of being disrespected and underpaid would do: he legally changed his name to that of his character.  Yes folks, the government federally mandated that we recognize Jim Hellwig as “Warrior Warrior” from that point forward.  He wasn’t even Jim Warrior, he was Warrior Warrior.

Alright then.

Doing his part to keep ownership of his wrestling character and any related merchandise, Warrior spent the next few years attempting to start his own television station titled “The Ultimate Grilled Cheese Channel”.  His goal was to run 24 hour programming centered on the many ways to make Grilled Cheese sandwiches.  Okay, I made that last part up, but I have no clue what he did for the next two years.

I do know that in 1996, Warrior made another ‘comeback’ in the WWF, and once again left prematurely after failing to show up for events he was advertised for.  Warrior claimed he was mourning the death of his father, but Vince McMahon said that was crap because Warrior hadn’t seen his dad in over 10 years. Whatever. PishPosh.

In retrospect, perhaps the Warrior’s second “comeback” was a PR move to start selling his line of comic books titled “WARRIOR” (note the creativity). Oddly enough, the comic book had very few characters other than Warrior and more text than action.

And what kind of text does Warrior preach, says you?

Well, the theme of his comics and personal Web site promote the “belief in self” referred to as “Destrucity”.  Yes, I know it’s not a word, but that’s what he preaches.

Warrior, enlighten us as to the true meaning of “Destrucity”.

"Tri-fold in its definition, therefore meaning...
1. The name of the Galax in WARRIOR wherein the "Terrain of Testament" lies.
2. The Living of one's life in the Way of a Warrior according to a Warrior's 8 Disciplines: Physical, Beliefs, Moment of Mastery, Attitude, Commitment, Association, Integrity, and Wisdom.
3. The creating of a truce between one's Destiny and one's Reality. Promising to stay true to what one is destined to be, yet accepting what is the now... one's reality."

When did Darren Daulton have time to become a wrestler?

Other than that silly question, I’m really at a loss for words.  That being the case, allow me to introduce you to the most ‘famous’ Warrior comic issue - one which will ruin your eyes and all future Christmas holidays.

The "Santa Rape"
In one of the last issues of the Warrior comic… aw screw it… let’s just let Wikipedia fill you in.

"The plot of the comic is hard to decipher, as it contains no dialogue, monologue, or text boxes. Inexplicably, Warrior attacks the North Pole, usurps Santa Claus' authority over the elves, and in the final frame, a sweaty Warrior forces Santa into bondage gear and poses beside him. The apparent sexual undertones, lack of an actual plot, and non-sequitur nature (nothing from the previous issue served to segue into the Santa attack issue) gained the comic cult popularity, especially on the internet. Though nothing sexually explicit is depicted in the comic, some fans have come to describe it as the "santa rape" issue; more commonly, it is referred to as "the one where Warrior puts Santa in bondage".

Look, I know Wikipedia isn’t always the most reliable source of information (see: Zoeller, Fuzzy), but I’ve got pictures to prove it.  Thanks to the fine folks at www.wrestlecrap.com, for the pictures (or no thanks, depending on your perception).



DAD, IS THAT YOU?  ANGEL GABRIEL?



I HATE CHRISTMAS.  I'M GOING TO DESTROY IT.  YOU THINK THAT GRINCH IS TOUGH?  WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHAT I GOT IN STORE FOR THAT JOLLY FATSO!



YEAH!!!  BONDAGE, BABY!  NOTHING BUT SANTA IN BONDAGE.



UMMM...

Holy good Lord.

In a twist of irony, Warrior Warrior would make headlines a few years later, for publicly speaking out against the homosexual lifestyle.

”Queering Don’t Make the World Work.”
After officially retiring from wrestling in 1999, Warrior began a new career as a conservative speaker.  In April of 2005, Warrior spoke at the University of Connecticut and proclaimed that “Queering don’t make the world work,” his explanation that the world would end if everyone was a homosexual.



So to recap, a  former wrestler turned conservative speaker, who legally changed his name to “Warrior Warrior” and speaks out against homosexual lifestyles, also enjoys forcing Santa into bondage.

And hugging other men.



Remember Warrior, queering don’t make the world work.

Bonus - The Ultimate Warrior Wrestles Phil Collins!

I swear!