If a baseball player can hit the ball 450 feet, it doesn’t matter what he looks like, how he interacts with the media or how polished the rest of his game is, he’s probably going to find work somewhere in the Major Leagues. 

Things like power, speed and defensive prowess are easy to spot whether you’re a fan or professional scout.  It’s the so-called “intangibles” in baseball that are notoriously hard to quantify.

St. Louis Cardinals shortstop David Eckstein has become the poster child for those “intangibles”.  He’s demonstrated over his career that he has legitimate baseball tools, but when describing him, fans and media choose to ignore those in favor of the angle that is more compatible with a dramatic storyline – they simply label him as scrappy. 

That label has become so powerful within the baseball vernacular that players upon whom it has been bestowed need not worry about performance on the field. Inclusion into this elite group ensures their legacy regardless of whether they’ve just won the World Series MVP or just been optioned for another tour of the Minor Leagues.  If you’re scrappy, 450 foot homeruns aren’t necessary. 

That’s not to say there aren’t quality players that are tabbed as being scrappy, but once they’ve achieved the honor, actual production on the field is just icing on the gritty, hard-nosed cake. 

So how does a player earn the distinction?  Some of it has to do with nature, but there are certainly ways to strengthen ones case. 

Tip #1 - Be Under 6’0”
C’mon, if you’re over 6’0” you’ve basically had the world handed to you on a silver platter.  You could get on all the roller coasters at Six Flags, reach all the crap on the top shelf at the grocery store and probably never had to slow dance with a chick that towers over you. 

What does the short baseball player get – a smaller strike zone?  Sweet.  That’s really going to help when a 250 lb. monster is steamrolling towards you hoping to break up a double play.

So if you’re over 72 inches it doesn’t matter if you play good fundamental baseball, don’t expect any favors. 

Tip #2 - Never Ever Jog
Here’s a quick test for young players to gauge whether they have what it takes to be considered scrappy – if you’re at the plate and the pitch drills you in the temple briefly knocking you unconscious, what do you do when you wake up? 

Do you lie on the ground and wait for the trainer to make sure your brain isn’t hemorrhaging?  Do you take a minute to gather yourself and determine whether or not you’re in a hospital room? 

No and no.  You get up and sprint to first base like the cops are chasing you.  Full speed is the only acceptable way to travel.  Walking and jogging are signs of weakness. 

Get hit by a pitch, sprint to the first.  Catch the third out on a pop fly, sprint to the dugout.  Making yourself a bowl of Crunchberries, sprint to the kitchen.  No exceptions.

Tip #3 - Dive Whenever Possible
Just remember, you’re never too far away from a ball to dive for it.  If it’s ripped to the gap and you have no chance in hell of hauling it in, it’s better to give the impression that you were so darn gritty that you thought you could get to it even if it meant a mouthful of grass than to simply pick it up and throw it to the infield.  Bonus points if you come up bloody.

You don’t think Darin Erstad got to be as scrappy as he is because he was afraid of diving do you?  Well, he was a punter at Nebraska, so maybe it’s not fair to use him as a comparison since that earns him extra grittiness points, but he’s still to be viewed as a role model.  This is a guy who had an OPS of .605 last year yet still managed to score a million dollar contract from the White Sox.  Approximately one dollar for every gram of scrap he has coursing through is veins.

Tip #4 - Get Dirty
Scrapemetricians have determined through numerous studies that the amount of dirt and pine tar on a player’s helmet and jersey is directly proportional to his level of scrapitude. 

We hear announcers all throughout the land praise players who are “not afraid to get dirty”.  Why? Because players who are afraid to get dirty are pansies (everyone is looking at you, JD). 

Look at Craig Biggio.  He’s been an above average player for his entire career and five years after he retires, he’ll waltz into the Hall of Fame and do so with loads of gunk on his helmet. 

Dirt=heart

Tip #5 - Have a Quirky First Name
Look at the impressive roster of “gamers” with odd first names that have played on the St. Louis Cardinals in the past years – Bo Hart, Stubby Clapp, Skip Schumaker, Rex Hudler, Joe McEwing.  Okay, maybe Joe isn’t that quirky of a first name, but trust me, that McEwing kid had loads of guts. 

The bottom line is that having an abnormal first name can take a below average player whose career is a few strikeouts away from being back in AAA and make him a standing ovation waiting to happen.  When Skip Schumaker made his major league debut, the crowd at Busch Stadium gave him a standing ovation before and after he struck out on three pitches. 

I have to believe that, if his name is Ron Schumaker, he gets one standing O tops.

Tip #6 - Have a Fidgety-Batting Stance
The more you look like you have to urinate while standing at the plate, the better.  Dance around, shake the bat, tap your toes, all of it just demonstrates that you have nervous energy to burn. 

The scrapper is supposed to be the guy who will single handedly drag all 50,000 people out of the stadium if there is a blazing fire, so he can’t appear aloof at the dish. 

The fact that you can’t stand still while waiting for the pitch won’t be seen as annoying, it will be viewed as an endearing quirk.

Tip #7 - Be White
No matter how much progress the world makes in race relations, I’m afraid that scrappiness will never be color-blind.  If you’re player of African American, Latin, Korean, Japanese or any other descent you can’t be part of this group.  It’s a sad fact and I hate to be the one to break it to you, but when the baseball world hands out Scrappy badges, for some reason, only white guys are included. 

Let this be a lesson to all of you kids out there on the playgrounds who think your dream of becoming a big leaguer is too far fetched – as long as you’re white, short, love diving for balls in the mud and flat out refuse to jog to first base you still have a chance.

Having people call you “Scooter” can’t hurt either.    

JSF Weekly is written by Scooter Bacott.  He's disappointed that the name Josh didn't get him anywhere.  E-mail him at josh@joesportsfan.com