Ladies and Gentlemen, it is now time for the Sweet 16 edition of the Monday Madness Column, starring…

David Lighty as Scoop Jackson 
David averages 3.7 points per game, and has started just 7 of 37 games this season.  He attributes the lack of playing time to his head coach, Thad Matta, being a staunch racist.  He also thinks this webpage is racist due to the white background.

Dane Bradshaw as Pat Summitt
Having started all 35 Volunteer games, Bradshaw managed a meager 5.5 points per game, shot a dismal 34% from the field, and made just 55% of his free throw attempts.  This coupled with his looks has given the green light to college basketball fans to guess Dane has a cha-cha/bachina.  He has considerably less hair under his arms than Summitt, or so we've not been told.

Tim Floyd as Harrison Ford
As documented last week, Floyd has led the Trojans basketball program to an amazing turnaround.  He also wants you to know, with much authority in his voice, that he “DIDN’T KILL MY WIFE” and would like to kindly ask you to “GET OFF MY PLANE”.  He does this in a manner that sound as if he is vomiting his words.

[GET OFF MY PLANE!!!]

Ernie Kent as Anthony from Designing Women
Ernie has coached the Ducks for ten seasons, having led them to the Regional Finals twice now.  He is under the impression that Delta Burke is sexy and for that, should be sentenced to 25 years in a state prison.  He also has an insatiable appetite for Pop Secret popcorn.

Billy Donovan as Timothy Bryce
Donovan has the Gators in the Final Four for the third time under his watch.  He credits his slimer persona to Timothy Bryce, the coworker of Patrick Bateman in the film American Psycho.  As life often imitates art, Donovan shares his Psycho similarities with the faux Bateman of the college basketball world, Quin Snyder. 

Donovan also recently added a new business card to his portfolio and, oh my God, there’s even a watermark.

Kansas Jayhawks as Duke Bluedevils
Doing their part to successfully waste a season, the Jayhawks looked to old reliable, the mismanagement of the game by the referees in their Sweet 16 win over SIU.  A botched goaltending call, a missed shot clock violation, and 21 personal fouls ensured the Jayhawks would take the contest, which was served up heartily on a platter by officials Tony Greene, Doug Shows, and Raymond Perone.

Joakim Noah as Burning Hemorrhoids Sufferer

The Sweet Sixteen
*** Adam Morrison needs a swift and severe beating.  A year ago, he gave us the lasting (and his last) image where he fussed and cried like a disappointed child who had his GI Joe confiscated by his parents (Cobra Commander… kick-ass).   For whatever reason, the Trojans thought it was so totally cool, and couldn’t hold their composure, so they did what any good Adam Morrison fan would do: acted like a whiny little son of a batch of cookies.  Taj Gibson was sopping wet and even the head coach got a little fussy when he threw a tantrum and tossed his index cards and game notes on to the court, earning himself a technical foul.      

It’s why I contend college basketball players are pansies and consequently, should be taken to a remote island and tortured with ice picks.  Okay, I don’t really contend that, but seeing Gibson cry created Adam Morrison flashbacks in my mind and made me wish I had an ice pick nearby, so I could stab my eyeballs out.

*** So much for that elusive intangible known as senior experience.  Thursday night showcased some bonehead moves by two premiere senior players.  In San Jose, SIU guard Jamaal Tatum missed an easy lay-in which would have trimmed 3 point deficit to 1 for the Salukis’ final possession.   Across the country in San Antonio, son of Acie Law III, grandson of Acie Law II and great grandson of Acie Law I, Acie Law IV, missed a key layup inside one minute in a game where the Aggies lost by 1.

At least in Tatum’s case, it wasn’t a guarantee his team would have won had he not botched the lay-in, and that in and of itself shows great leadership.  Junior forward Randall Falker tried to emulate his leader when he gave a pass away in the last 10 seconds of the game, proving he has a ways to go before he can carry the weight of senior leadership.  The giveaway was clearly a junior move, but at least Falker has another season to prove himself.  Instead of giving away the ball next year, he can be like Tatum and give away points.

*** A lot of offspring starring in this year’s Sweet 16.  There are the obvious ones, like Acie Law IV (son of Acie Law III), Patrick Ewing, Jr. (son of Patrick Ewing), Joakim Noah (son of Yannick Noah) and John Thompson III (son of John Thompson II).  There are some lower profile players who fit the description of offspring as well, such Mike Conley, Jr. (son of Mike Conley) and Kevin Krueger (son of UNLV coach Lon). 

In addition to that, all of remaining players involved in the Sweet 16 who I have yet to name fit the description of offspring, as they all have biological mothers and fathers.  (And just an FYI, Acie Law IV has no relation whatsoever to AC Slater).

*** The Oregon Ducks have nothing to be ashamed of.  They ran into a team with more depth who just so happens to be the defending national champions.  A Final Four appearance obviously would have been nice, but to no avail, the Ducks will have to watch as PAC 10 rival UCLA tries to take down the Gators. 

I am worried though about Oregon’s economy.  By all accounts, the state was yearning and praying for, at the very least, a Final Four appearance so the University and local retailers could reap the financial rewards of selling “2007 Final Four” merchandise.  The state is already in a state (no pun intended) of financial famine in the retail/clothing/sporting goods department, and this will no doubt have an impact – the “Elite Eight” merchandise just doesn’t have the same twinkle to it.

Although, the Ducks actually got farther than the Elite Eight, as they happened to be one of the final 6 teams remaining in the tournament.  I’m thinking the school should invent their own hip phrase, like “The Salty Six” and sell “Salty 6” shirts, hats and what-have-yous.  The retail/sporting goods/clothing sector of Oregon, and the economy as a whole depend on it, and there is no question in my mind a “Salty 6” collector’s item would be of real value.

Report: Bo Ryan’s Hemorrhoids worse than Joakim Noah’s

*** Time for your obligatory Final Four preview.  In a rematch of the 2006 championship, UCLA goes up against Florida.  Both teams had similar roads to the Final Four, as they each beat a team from Indiana (Indiana, Butler, Purdue), each beat a Big Ten team (Indiana, Purdue), each beat a “State” school in round 1 (Jackson State, Weber State), and each defeated state schools in the Elite Eight (Kansas, Oregon).

In addition, both teams possess a litany of notable alumni.  UCLA can boast Jackie Robinson, Bill Walton (oh throw it down, big fella), Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Reggie Miller.  Outside the field of athletics, Elizabeth Berkley (Jesse Spano), Mayim Bialik (Blossom), and James Dean called UCLA home.  On the Gator side of things, David Eckstein, Erin Andrews, Emmitt Smith, and Rex Grossman excelled in athletics, while Wendy Thomas (daughter of Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy’s (RIP)), Joe Scarborough (MSNBC) and Bob Vila attended the school in Gainesville. 

Normally admission of Rex Grossman to your university takes you down a notch, but when you once schooled the Florida version of Big Country in the form of Andrew DeClerq, you win everything.  The Gators will move on to the championship game Monday night (unless DeClerq isn’t in attendance for the Saturday game, then UCLA will most certainly win). 

*** The other half of the Final Four pits Ohio State and Georgetown, who shared some similar bumps on the road the Final Four.  Each team beat an Atlantic conference-based school in Round 2 (Boston College, Xavier) and each beat an SEC team in Round 3 (Tennessee, Vanderbilt).  As far as notable alumni goes, Georgetown possesses Jack Abramoff (feels real odd typing that name), Bill Clinton, Allen Iverson, Bill Bidwell, and Paul Tagliabue.

Ohio State has some powerful alumni to boot as well, namely, Jesse Owens, Bobby Knight, George Steinbrenner, Paul Brown, and Jack Nicklaus.  And I think the fact that Ohio State also schooled Maurice Clarett gives them a slight dvantage going into Saturday’s game, so look for the Buckeyes to move on to Monday night.

And in an interesting turn of events, the Monday Madness Column has learned of some potentially earth-shattering news: Patrick Ewing, Jr. and Patrick Ewing, Sr. might soon learn who their real father is.  It’s still unconfirmed, but a source close to the MMC has informed us that Patrick Ewing, Sr.’s biological father is Greg Oden.  Again, it has yet to be confirmed, so take it with a grain of salt.

The Monday Madness Column is written by Pat Imig.  He heard Greg Oden was also the father of Jesse Owens.  Email him at patrick@joesportsfan.com

Round 1 & 2 Monday Madness Column