"This is a football column that has tremendous upside." 

<1> Everyone is saying the Raiders had a great draft and I couldn’t agree more.  First off, they took the safe route by drafting the best quarterback in the draft, JaMarcus Russell.  He should thrive for the Raiders next season, even if the offensive line self destructs like it did for Andrew Walter and Aaron Brooks.  I think that’s because the experts say Russell can throw the ball 60 yards on his knees, which will definitely come in handy since he’ll be scrambling for his life and barely escaping, or just getting knocked to the ground. 

Either way, Russell should have no problems adapting to the Raiders offensive philosophy. 

<2> Though it wasn’t a complete shock, the Lions opened the door for criticism by selecting another wide receiver in the first round.  Though, to be fair to Calvin Johnson, he already has a leg up on former busts Charles Rogers and Mike Williams merely because he hasn’t missed an NFL start yet.  Much like his predecessor JaMarcus Russell, Calvin Johnson shouldn’t have any problems adjusting to the NFL game.  I think Mel Kiper put it best when he mentioned that one of Johnson’s greatest skills was his ability to adjust to poorly thrown balls.   That skill will come in handy when Jon Kitna consistently overthrows him.  Also, I think the NFL informant was on to something he/she leaked that Calvin Johnson admitted using the ganj.

<4>

<8> I’m all for nostalgia being used to evoke emotion and spark interest in a depleted fan base, but the Falcons have taken it too far.  With 8th overall pick, they drafted Jamaal Anderson and the geniuses in Atlanta have decided to put him at defensive end.  [Sarcasm] Um, seriously?  The guy blew out both his legs and had to retire six years ago, and now they want him to stop the run and rush the passer?  No wonder their defense has sucked the past two seasons.  At least it’ll put asses in the seats for a few games anyway.  [Sarcasm/]

<9> After the Dolphins threw the first shocker (hey-ohh) by drafting Ted Ginn, Jr., the NFL moved Brady Quinn into a private suite to avoid media attention - and avoid the presumption by fans at home that he wears lipstick.  As JSF colleague Matt Sebek pointed out to me, it was similar to the President being summoned to a private bunker in a time of danger: 

"COME ON!  WE MUST GO!"

"CAN I AT LEAST BRING MY SANDWICH?"

"NO!  WE HAVEN'T ANY TIME!"

<10> Once again, the Texans have let their players and fans down.  With the 10th overall pick, the team gambled (sans Charley Casserlie, mind you) on a 19 year old to come in and play defensive tackle.  It’s absolutely asinine and incomprehensible Gary Kubiak and his cohorts failed to draft Reggie Bush for the second consecutive year. 

In all fairness to them, Ahman Green will be an adequate runner so long as he stays healthy, But Reggie Bush could have revamped the morale of a fan base that is hopelessly restless.  And frankly, who could blame them for being hopeless or restless?

<13> With the drafting of Adam Carriker, the Rams garnered some comparisons from the pundits and talking heads that the pick was similar to the team’s selection of Grant Wistrom in 1999.  Citing the same college and same position, Carriker/Wistrom was an easy and all too obvious analogy, though I wish somebody on the tube what have said the obviousestestest: that Carriker and Wistrom are similar because they both have beige skin. 

Just a bunch of beige honkeys playing defense is all they are.  Yep; a couple of beige honkeys hanging out.

<17> “Jarvis: this is Mike Shanahan… I’m tan, thanks for asking… Listen, I need to ask you a few questions before we make our decision.  First, have you ever, or would you ever consider playing defensive line for the Cleveland Browns? ... You would? … Great!  Okay; and second, do you have any aspirations to be a 1,200 yard rusher?”

<22> Much like he did in Baltimore, Phil Savage drafted for the Browns based on his gut instinct.  Saturday he took Joe Thomas when most thought Brady Quinn was the perfect fit.  Then he traded with the Cowboys at slot 22 to go after the quarterback everyone was talking about (at least, everyone who sucks on television anyway).  It was kind of like when Savage drafted Jonathan Ogden for the Ravens in that it was a questionable move that turned to gold.  Hopefully for Thomas’ sake, he’ll have a similar career.

On the Quinn comparison front, the Ravens could have traded up in the ’03 draft, but they stayed put with the hopes that Boller would slip past everyone in front of them.  Four years later, Brady Quinn slips past 21 picks and Savage and the Browns get their man. 

Basically what it means is that Brady Quinn will suck for eternity.

<23> Dwayne Bowe has some rather dangerous shoes to fill.  Not only does he have to play wide receiver for a lethargic passing attack in Kansas City, but his coach is one of the most vanilla-conservative coaches in all of football.  Those two problems aside, Bowe has an incentive to fail to produce.  You see, the last Chiefs wide receiver to lead the team in receptions was Andre Rison in 1997.  That’s no joke; Kimble Anders, Tony Gonzalez and Priest Holmes have held that title since then.  The Chiefs just flat out don’t like their wide receivers to grab a lot of passes. 

Just look at what Carl Peterson and the KC brass did to Andre Rison when he led the team in receptions: they burned his friggin’ house down.  Either Bowe needs to flounder in his role as Chiefs receiver, or he needs to invest in a double wide in a trailer park swarming with Camaros and mustached-women. 

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Mobile JSF Interception
As the suspense mounted over the plight of Brady Quinn, the Mobile JSF Team intercepted (cuz’ it’s a football column!) a phone conversation between Quinn’s Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis and his soon to be coach Romeo Crennel. 

I’m telling you, Brady is going to be a hell of a quarterback in the NFL. 

I don’t know Charlie.  I mean, if everyone else keeps passing on him, there has to be something to that, you know?

Don’t pay attention to what anyone else does.  Listen to your heart!

Um, but Charlie, my heart says no.

Well then listen to me, damnit!

But I thought you just said I shouldn’t pay attention to what anyone does… and listen to my heart?

No; no I didn’t say that.  I said, um, uh, I said ‘Pay attention to that Toaster buzz… and eat a Pop Tart’.

I don’t know, Charlie. I just don’t know.   We have to give up next year’s 1st round pick to get him – and that’s going to be a valuable pick because we fully intend to continue sucking.

Think of it this way: if you guys stink up Cleveland again, you’ll probably be fired so that pick will have zero effect on you.  If you guys play well, you’ll retain your job and the Cowboys will have a late 1st round pick and it will all have been worth it.

Well, maybe; maybe you’re on to something.

 I am a genius after all.    Come on, Romeo, do it!

Hmmmm…. … …

His uncle invented the chocolate éclair.

Really?

Think about that for a second.  You could line something up every day where you drop down to the nude and saturate your beautiful body in doughnut custard.  You’ll be like Scrooge McDuck swimming in his money bin – only you’ll be rubbing cream all over your nipples. 

That’s a good point.  Thanks Charlie.
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The Monday Football Column is written by Pat Imig.  He’s never eating custard doughnuts again.  Email him at patrick@joesportsfan.com

-- The Monday Football Column 2006 Year in Review