Needless to say, holiday weeks at the Worldwide Leader in Sports tend to bump the starters to the bench and give the young, up and coming reserves a chance to shine.  Even though The Media Circus doesn’t expect optimum performance from the role players, we were still a bit caught off guard when we stumbled onto a Michael Smith hosted version of Jim Rome is Burning. 

Proving the show is completely scripted and devoid of any original thought from the person talking, Smith’s exercise in Rome Burning was, how should we say this in one word… awkwardly bad (okay; that’s two words).  Here is a paraphrased sampling of Smith opening Monday’s episode.  While reading, envision Michael’s discussion the sports equivalent of Dave Chapelle’s white guy impersonation and the level of awkward and unintentional humor will all make sense:

"WELcome!

What is UP?

We have a terrific show for you today!

But FIRST... …here is what I am BURNING ON!"

An hour following Michael Smith’s performance, Pardon the Interruption took center stage with Kornheiser and Wilbon enjoying some time off.  So who did ESPN replace A-1 and A-1.5 with?  THE Dan LeBatard and J.A. Adande.

Nothing wrong with that, but we’re imagining the conversation to make the scheduling decision something along the lines of, “We need a replacement for Wilbon and Kornheiser.  … NO; that won’t work!!!  We need two people to REPLACE them…I need a black and a white, you idiot!”

Like most American sports fans, we were just disappointed we didn't get to see Woody Paige and Skip Bayless take the helm of PTI.  Give those boys their chance!

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth
"I think he's one of the most exciting players in the game." - Eric Young on Jose Reyes

"Jose Reyes is the most exciting player in the Major Leagues!" - Steve Phillips

It’s about time that the FCC stepped in and made it an official rule that every time someone mentions Jose Reyes, they must use the word “exciting” in some form.  

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“Among 12- to 34-year-old U.S. viewers of the recent NBA Finals, 72% were instant messaging, e-mailing, text messaging or talking on the phone while watching.  A Solutions Research Group survey also found viewers over 35 were three times more likely than younger viewers to not do those things as they watched.” – Michael Hiestand, USA Today

So the 50 year old men watching the NBA Finals at the local VFW weren’t texting each other about it? Allow us to offer up our analysis of this revelation: no shit.
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"What a shot! You could slice that up and make about three (home runs) out of it." – Tim McCarver, via USA Today

We aren’t sure what scares us more: the thought of McCarver mentally dividing up the feet of the home run by 3 (which we’re sure he did for a good amount of time), or the fact that national media beat writer Michael Hiestand thought the quote was so clever that he’d list it in his “Sports on Television” column.
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“You see the disappointment on Dave Duncan’s face, as it’s no longer a save situation for Isringhausen.” – Al Hrabosky after the Cardinals scored two runs to blow a game open in the 8th. 

The saddest thing about this quote is that Hrabosky was right, there was a look of disappointment on Dave Duncan’s face.  For those of you not sure of the significance, we offer our opinion - Major League pitching coaches shouldn’t be visibly bothered when their team blows a game open simply because it means his closer won't get a save. 

Souvenirs from Coney Island
One of the great traditions of the 4th of July holiday is the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest at Coney Island.  Ever since Takeru Kobayashi exploded onto the scene and won the first of his six consecutive titles, the event has gained steam and become a must see TV spectacle.  As much as we like watching grown men cram water-logged hot dog buns into their mouths, part of the appeal has become the unapologetic hyperbole that the announcers bring to the table each year.  Announcers Paul Page and Rick Shea bring the heat each year in the broadcast.  Here is this year’s finest…

“Jaw arthritis is the equivalent of a groin injury in the NFL.” – Paul Page

”(Kobayashi will) be a lunchtime decision.” – Paul Page

“First off Sadarahu Oh is a fraud, okay.  Gedde Watanabe is a true Japanese hero. He’s the guy who played Long Duck Dong in Sixteen Candles.” – Rich Shea

“Is (Kobyashi) really, …pardon this… the under-DOG?” – Paul Page (The Bobber loved this snappy line)

“(Patrick Bertoletti) ate 46 to qualify, that’s two hot dogs for every day Paris Hilton spent in jail and he’s dedicating the contest to Nicky Hilton.” – Rich Shea

“I don’t know if you’ve ever had your wisdom teeth removed, but I’ll tell you, it's a pain like a Peyton Manning cell phone commercial.” – Rich Shea

“If he can hang on, you Google ‘American hero’ tomorrow and you’re gonna get Abe Lincoln, possibly Neil Armstrong, Taylor Hicks and then this man, of course, Joey Chestnut.” – Shea

“For Kobayashi to come out here and eat like this is a singular instance of valor.  It is nothing short of amazing.” – Shea

“This would be the greatest moment in the history of American sports if Chestnut can bring the belt back home to Coney Island.” – Shea

I think we finally found the announcers who could make Arena Football interesting to watch on TV. 

With the 6th Overall Pick, We’ll Take Albert Pujols
A little over two weeks ago, Sports Illustrated got together 14 baseball “experts” - including general managers, scouts and coaches - and asked them to list the top 5 active players they would draft if they were putting together a team from scratch, with money not considered a factor.

The results were a shade surprising to say the least, especially to Cardinals fans.

The voting was tallied in two ways – total votes and total points (5 points for a first place vote, 4 for second and so on; see list to the right).  First on both accounts was Mets shortstop Jose Reyes, an understandable choice given his age and unique collection of skills.  The second choice is where things start falling apart.

Receiving eight votes and 17 points was Red Sox closer, Jonathan Papelbon, followed by Alex Rodriguez, Justin Verlander and Joe Mauer.

Where is Pujols? He finished with 3 votes and 11 points, proving definitively that the general managers, scouts and coaches who were polled are complete morons.  If I’m understanding the system correctly, 14 people were polled and asked to give five – not one, but five – players they would choose to start a team with and Albert Pujols, the guy who has never finished lower than 4th in the MVP voting and just won a Gold Glove at first base, showed up on three ballots.  Eleven people didn’t have him in their top 5?

Call us homers or whatever, but if you build a team around Jonathan Papelbon, a player who appears in 75 innings over the season, and we build a team around Albert Pujols, someone who is on the field for close to every inning over 162 games, I have no problems in predicting that my team will destroy yours...for a long time.

Pujols’ slot wasn’t the only one that was head scratching.  Like Pujols, the man widely regarded as the best pitcher in the game, Johan Santana, appeared on only three ballots… that’s two more than Takashi Saito appeared on.

Actually, after watching some of the contracts that were thrown around this off-season, this whole thing makes perfect sense.

Well At Least He Got a Phone Call
The face of tennis on NBC, Bud Collins, has apparently been fired after 35 years of employment.  We tend to be indifferent to the matter, considering we’re not exactly tennis fans.  However, upon learning Collins was “fired” via his voicemail, we’re beginning to think the executives at NBC Sports might be a little callous and aren’t exactly catering to their fans’ needs, what with Brett Hull’s release a month ago.

However, after it was pointed out to us that Bud Collins was Chris Berman before Chris Berman [USA Today says, his “best-known trait has been creating colorful nicknames for players, such as "Basel Dazzle" (Roger Federer) and "Fraulein Forehand" (Steffi Graf)], we’re thinking we’re going to leave a message of our own on Bud’s voicemail.

Hey, no matter how old he is or unfair his firing was, there is no excuse for trailblazing the path for Boomer.

And then Ricky Horton’s Eyes Turned Bright Red in Anger
Let’s just say that Cardinals announcer and Snappy Line co-creator Ricky Horton was none to pleased with what he perceived as a little showboating when Reds second basemen Brandon Phillips hit a first inning homerun last Sunday. 

“(Brandon Phillips) hits the ball the other way to right field and does a little dance around first base, which would be awful annoying to me.  As he rounds first base, he kind of goes sideways.  I’m sorry he’d have one in the ribs next time if he faced me.  I don’t even throw that hard but I still can’t stand that.  I mean, you just hit a homerun, run around the bases…you’re not that good!”

Frankly we enjoyed the mild mannered Horton getting a little fired up.  Maybe that’s just because we picture him morphing from this:

Into this:

(Great Photoshopping, no?)

Bob Carpenter Memorial Snappy Line
Rule #362 of the Bob Carpenter Snappy Line Handbook: When announcing a game featuring the Milwaukee Brewers, one must force a snappy line based on the connection to the beer-industry and/or brewing process. 

Enter Fox play-by-play man Matt Vasgersian who was right on cue this past Saturday during the Cubs-Brewers broadcast.

“(Prince) Fielder is another one of the home brewed Milwaukee hitters.”

If there’s one thing Bob appreciates, it’s a student of the game.  Two thumbs, Matty. 

The Media Circus is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.  They swear this stuff is real.  Email them at info@joesportsfan.com