[Note: at the risk of alienating all the non-wrestling-fan readers in the JSF audience, your's truly put together a final Media Circus style column on all the absurdities of the 24 hr cable news shows regarding their coverage of the Benoit family tragedy.  Geraldo Rivera = a circus clown.  But hey, if you're not a wrestling fan or follower of news stories, don't bother clicking, ya know?]

Those were the words of Trey Wingo.  Yes – THAT Trey Wingo, the man who was once the go-to host for NFL Live.  He’s recently been seen covering women’s college basketball and women’s college softball but now the first ever USARPS League Championship (that's United States of America Rock Paper Scissors League Championship for those of you not “in the know”) calls for his leadership.  I’m of the contention Wingo asked for some time off (too much Salisbury) and the powers that be rewarded him with the Rock Paper Scissors tournament.  (EDIT: we've been informed Trey is still the go-to-guy of NFL Live.  Thank you, Jesus.)  (EDIT2: we've also been told his presence on the set of women's college softball was a figment of the author's imagination.  Perhaps I dreamed it, though?  Trey Wingo and Jenny Finch in my dreams?  Ewww, gross.)

But seriously Trey, "sweeping the nation"?  Really?

Wingo was joined by the czar of Rock Paper Scissors, the highly decorated Master Roshambolla.  The last name "Roshambolla" is a witty, clever play on the French heritage of Rock Paper Scissors, "Rochambeau”.  In the ultimate ironic twist, Master Roshambolla has a name which means “the master of rochambeau”.  Who’d have thought it?

The Master made his presence felt immediately, as he called out all the tens of tens of the viewing public in a mold he learned from the nefarious Senor Angry, Sean Salisbury:

”A lot of people used to laugh about it, but there is absolutely nothing FUNNY about the sport of Rock Paper Scissors.  Rock Paper Scissors is a complex game.  The winners must possess skill, strategy, stamina, arms and fists.  Now if you tell me this sport doesn’t require athleticism, I’ll show you a player that’s suffering from shoulder fatigue, wrist cramps, and RPS-Tunnel Syndrome.”

Alright then.  I tend to disagree with Roshambolla, mainly because RPS is no different than the original Tecmo Bowl.  Everyone knows what the plays are, it's just a matter of picking the right one. 

USARPS League Championship Rules
Let’s go now to poker champion and RPS referee Phil Gordon for the rules. 

”Rock beats Scissors.  Scissors beats Paper.  Paper beats Rock."

No shit?

"Paper is ALWAYS horizontal.  Vertical Paper will not be allowed!"

Anybody who throws vertical paper will have their ass kicked by Master Roshambolla.

"Each match consists a best of three set, with the first to 2 sets declared the victor”.

Hey folks, since we're going over the rules, it's time for the USARPS’ answer to Major League Baseball's first pitch: the ceremonial Rock Paper Scissors Throw. 

On 4 everyone… Ro Cham Beau Throw!

Who knew Bull Hurley was a huge Rock Paper Scissors fan?  He looks good with the Jim the Anvil Neidhart Triangle to supplement the goatee (though this guy has much more spontaneous follicle girth).

Speaking of beards and what-have-yous [/segue], one of the 200+ finalists in the USARPS League Championship was none other than Ray "Santa Claws" Scott.  Before gracing us with a performance not for the ages, Scott cleared up some some rumors, stating that he does NOT result to blood doping to stay with the younger players.  He'd also like to stress that RPS players are "pure athletes", so that rumor out there floating around, you know, it's uh, it's just not true.

I don't know about you, but if I saw a man dressed as Santa Clause playing Rock Paper Scissors at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas, I could leave for home a satisfied tourist.  

The Master's Tips - False Tell
Let's now direct our attention to Howie Mandell ... er … Master Roshambolla, who will feed us the low down on “False Tells”. 

"Let your opponent see you deliver paper with a sweeping final approach.  The next time, take the same approach, but throw scissors – this is known as the “Coney Island Paper”.  Also, you can throw scissors from the top of the throw.  The next time, end with paper… That’s a wrap!!”

Who's NOW?  Master Roshambolla is NOW.  He was NOW before being NOW was cool.

Oven Mitts Are Legal
Hey look!  There's Antoine “Shears” Maanum.  Shears plays each Rock Paper Scissors match with oven mitts.  You might not be wondering why, but for brevity’s sake, I’m going to pretend you’re curious and answer your fictional queries.  According to Antoine, his hands are "so hot, they’re radioactive.  I could blow up at any time!  I’m just trying to keep ‘em cool to keep the people safe from my supreme ability!”

Uh huh.

In one of the more compelling matches, Shears battled David "the Brain" Borne (sporting the hair of Jim from The Office).  Borne defeated Maanum after a 3 tie stalemate by sticking to the strategy that got him to the dance: before each throw, he utters a word starting with an R, P, or S to get the opponent thinking about the throw that starts with said letter.  Example: Borne might utter "pretty poontang" and he'll throw Scissors because his gullible counterpart will most definitely so totally throw Paper.  

Not surprisingly, David Borne advanced to the Final Four, somehow managing to overcome the oven mitt.

The Master’s Tips – Roshambolla Trap
“Many beginning RPS players will never repeat the same throw twice.  For instance, if a player has just thrown Rock, you know they’re going to throw Scissors or Paper.  If you throw scissors, you will always at least get a tie.” 

Think about that next time you're at a cocktail party. 

As for Master Roshambolla, he's got an element of creepy about him often found in those public service videos many of us were subjected to in grade school.  You know, the ones that stressed just saying no to drugs and alcohol.  There was always one omniscient, omnipresent being whom the troubled children would turn to for advice.  Master Roshambolla is that being.  How else would he win every RPS match?

Souvenirs From the RPS Championship
Much like Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest 3 days before it, the RPS League Championship was filled with unabashed hyperbole from the broadcast team.  Here's a sampling:

"He comes back with a strong Rock to tie up the first set." – Trey Wingo

"If you still think RPS is a game of luck, stop kidding yourself!  Borne won that with pure mental acumen." – Master

"Her Rock smashes his Scissors!" – Wingo

"Jamie (Langridge) is a bit of an unknown, but in Odessa, Texas, RPS is second only to high school football." – Master

"RPS-trogen was on full display as Michelle "the Wrecker" Dreckman moved into the Super Sixteen." – Wingo

"Women throw 31% more scissors than men." - Master

"She's been ripping through dudes all day long." – Wingo

"These are the moments when sports legends are made." – Master

Your Undisputed USA Rock Paper Scissors Champion Is...
In the finals of the USARPS League Championship, Jamie "Landshark" Langridge defeated David "the Brain" Borne with a Paper over Rock throw.  If I had to pick a person to win a national Rock Paper Scissors tournament, I'd probably pick someone who looks similar to this guy…

The Master's Final Tip - Finishing Moves
“I pioneered the use of the “no-look-Rock”.  Basically, it tells your opponent that you do not need to see them in order to beat them!  You can also use the Palm-up-Paper which we call “offering up a subpoena”.  Finally, you can go out like a hustler, winning a match with scissors tilted at a cocky 45 degree angle.  This tells your opponent, “peace out, baby!”

I really want to kick the living crap out Master Roshambolla. 

Recent Rock Paper Scissors Columns
Uh, there aren't any.  Okay then:

Recent Imig Entries
The Media Has No Clue
In Defense of Pro Wrestling
The Monday Football Column - NBC Preview
The Time Curse
Interview with Bernie Miklasz

The Rock Paper Scissors Championship was written by Pat Imig.  He can't believe he only made fun of Trey Wingo for 3 paragraphs.  Email him at patrick@joesportsfan.com