Just recently I actually walked into a baseball card shop for the first time in probably fifteen years and started snooping around.  Not because I was gauging the market for my pristine Todd Zeile “Future Star” card – that’s still safely under lock and key - but rather to see if this place could contribute to my growing collection of Worthless Cards. 

I don’t think I was the typical client, as my conversation with the owner seemed a bit unconventional:

Me: “Those boxes back there that say Topps 1985, are those just random common cards?”
Him: “Oh no, you can find some really good cards in there”
Me: “No, you don’t understand, I’m not looking for good cards.  I’m looking for ones that have no value whatsoever.”
Him: “So... you want cards that aren’t worth anything?”
Me: “How about I just browse around a little”

With or without a helpful hand from the owner, I managed to pick up a few stacks of random 80’s cards that provided me exactly what I was looking for – amusement.

So in honor of the slowest sports time of the year and my first trip to a baseball card shop in over a decade, today marks the inaugural Joe SportsFan Worthless Card Award Show….

The Award for “Most likely to physically attack you if you say one more freaking word about his unibrow” goes to….

The Award for “Guy who was most adamant that Topps use a photo of him in a less compromising position” goes to…

The Award for “Guy who most looks way too much like an extra from the dance club scenes in Scarface” goes to….

The Award for “Largest mustache as measured by shear weight” goes to…

The Award for “Most likely to have this card framed on his desk at home as a reminder that he actually played in the Majors” goes to….

The Award for “Card that resulted in the banning of the artist from ever drawing caricatures of minority baseball players again” goes to…

The Award for “Most frightening resemblance to Rocky Dennis from Mask” goes to…

The Award for “Most reckless use of the term ‘Rated Rookie’” goes to…

The Award for “Most closely resembling a pre-op tranny who penciled in a mustache to look more manly” goes to…

The Award for “Guy who is most likely to shoot your dog and eat it for dinner...without cooking it” goes to…

The Award for “George Mitchell would like to see you immediately” goes to…

JSF Weekly is written by Josh Bacott.  If he had a baseball card, this is what it would look like.  E-mail him at josh@joesportsfan.com

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